My sister sat at the front of our Celebrate Recovery group last week, teaching. She asked a question: “What fear keeps you from taking the next step?”
My mind didn’t actually go quite where she was asking. It went to the past. With blinding clarity, I suddenly remembered an answer I’d penned to one of the first questions in my recovery journey. The workbook had asked what it was we were feeling/scared of as we began the first chapter:
I am feeling scared. Mainly scared of the change that will be required. Letting people in; putting myself in situations outside of my comfort zone… are all totally terrifying to me. I realize that says I’m doing it on my own – not depending on God, but thinking change is something I have to do. Fix-it mentality strikes again.
Part of me wants to be healthier. But part of me likes where I am and is scared of the change needed to do even simple things… like helping clean up after a church dinner. I don’t want to be where people see my uncertainty… see my inadequacy. I know from reading The Wounded Heart that the path to growth and healing is one of becoming assertive and loving boldly. But that scares me.
I’m also scared of not being able to let my emotions out. I still feel like I have no real emotions tied to my abuse. Do I really have any? Can I get at them?
There is a sense of hope – becoming the person God intended me to be. I’d like to be confident, assertive, loving boldly. But… I can’t imagine actually being that. So I guess what I see is me acting it, because I should. Yep, there we go – Jenn is once more driven by the “should.” I will act like who I’m “supposed to be.”
So… no wonder I’m afraid of change! I’m not afraid of being a different person… I’m afraid of having to act like a different person… when inside I’m still the chicken that I am. Still the insecure little girl who doesn’t have a clue what she’s doing….
(excerpts edited from TWH workbook CH1 Q7 journaling)
When I wrote that, I couldn’t begin to imagine being different… being the person whom I’d been told God had created me to be. I couldn’t imagine anything really feeling different inside. The only outcome I could see, then, was me acting in the manner I knew I was supposed to act… despite how I felt. Pull yourself up by the bootstraps; suck it up, buttercup… because… Here. We. Go.
I wasn’t afraid of being a different person. I was afraid of having to act like a different person…. That’s what I was supposed to do, right? Push through and overcome the feelings of inadequacy and fear inside me?
In a way, that’s true. If we wait for fear to subside, we’ll never take a step forward. And without that step forward, there is no change.
But in so many other ways… it wasn’t true.
It was… what I couldn’t imagine....
You see, as I sat reflecting on the fear I'd held at the beginning of my journey, I realized... I’m changing. It’s been slow-going – that original journal entry was nearly 6 years ago! And I’m not exactly sure how or when it happened. But somewhere along the line, (fairly recently, I think)… something has changed.
My actions aren’t coming as much from a place of “should” and initiated with dread. They are coming more from a place of joy and initiated with hope. I’m not taking a deep breath and doing something that seems terrifying but necessary (as it seemed to me when I wrote that journal entry). Instead, I’m stepping out in excitement and celebrating the change when I manage to “do something different.”
Something fundamental has shifted. I think it’s hope. I think it’s feeling different. And I think it’s being able to imagine something even more different yet to come. It’s moved from “I need to/should” to “I get to/can.” I’ve tasted enough to make me hungry. Seen enough to make me believe… to imagine… to dream.
Am I “there” yet? No.
I still avoided helping out with something just last week because I didn’t want to risk the clueless little girl being seen. Instead, I disappeared and went to take care of something I did feel confident on (notably something I work on alone).
And the thought of forging a friendship (or admitting I need one) still scares me.
But just a couple of days ago I initiated a conversation with my husband that I would have avoided not that long ago. After I had gotten snippy with him, I went to him and admitted I had handled it poorly. I admitted I was feeling hurt about something else (and was open with him about what). And I admitted I used contempt to push him away and shield myself. I admitted wrong (oh, how I hate to be wrong). I admitted hurt (opening up that soft underbelly and being vulnerable). And I admitted need (more vulnerability). And it felt… GOOD! Not scary. Not weak. Not me having to “act” like a different person. But me… taking joy in becoming that person… the person God made me to be.
There have been other changes, too… I’m beginning to feel, recognize, and identify my emotions (instead of stuffing them so deeply even I don’t know they are there). I’m beginning to recognize and voice my own needs (again, instead of burying them so deeply even I don’t know what they are!). I’m finding my voice. And there’s something inside… something I can’t even put words to yet…. Something that’s more whole, I guess? Not exactly confidence… yet. Somewhere between confidence and shalom, maybe? I can’t name it… but I can feel it… a shift. The changes yet to come don’t seem as scary and impossible anymore.
It’s been slow. It’s been subtle. And I still can’t tell you when or how… but I do know He’s making all things new. I am different. Inside. Not just acting differently – doing what I’m supposed to do. But being different. Healing. Becoming. And… able to imagine something even more different… and more exciting… yet to come.
Look, I am about to do something new; even now it is coming. Do you not see it?
Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19 (HCSB)
Indeed, I will make a way in the wilderness, rivers in the desert.
Isaiah 43:19 (HCSB)
Then the One seated on the throne said, "Look! I am making everything new."
He also said, "Write, because these words are faithful and true."
Revelation 21:5 (HCSB)
He also said, "Write, because these words are faithful and true."
Revelation 21:5 (HCSB)
-jenn
