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Thursday, October 4, 2018

Abuse... Accusations... and Adonai


I’ve avoided saying anything on this. I don’t like conflict. I don’t like being in the middle. And I have friends on both sides. But I’m hurting myself with my silence. Literally. I woke up yesterday with my lips clenched between my teeth so tightly I could taste the blood. My unconscious evidently echoing my attempt to clamp my mouth shut…. So… here goes….

I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

I was abused on two separate occasions when I was probably 6 or 7. I don’t actually remember the date or even how old I was. Many years later, when I first disclosed the abuse, we narrowed it down based on where the abuser lived at the time and the knowledge that it happened before my mom gave me “the talk.” So… I don’t remember the date or even how old I was. That’s not uncommon.

I remember some things with a high degree of detail – I remember exactly what he said to get me to do what he wanted (he’d seen something in a magazine he wanted to try). I remember my confusion at why he would want to do what he was doing. I remember being asked to perform oral sex on him and refusing (that was too “gross.” All I knew about that body part was that boys peed with it!). And yet I don’t remember how my clothes were removed (did I do it? Did he?). I don’t remember what I was wearing (was it pants or a dress? Was my top unclothed or was it just from the waist down?). I don’t remember what happened after he was done. I don’t remember getting up and getting dressed (was he still there?). I don’t remember leaving the basement (did we leave together or one at a time?). I don’t remember returning to the family upstairs or how I interacted with anyone afterward. I don’t remember… a lot. So… while I remember the events in some pretty clear detail, I don’t remember what happened before or after. That’s not uncommon. It’s how the brain works under trauma.

I didn’t tell anyone about it until I was nearly 19. Early on it was “our secret.” Later, after I realized what “we” had really done, I was afraid of someone finding out what “I” had done. That wasn’t something “good” girls did before marriage! It wasn’t until years later I fully realized it was something he had done to me… not something I was responsible for. So… I waited more than a decade before telling anyone about it. That’s not uncommon. Some for the same reason as I; some because they fear retribution; some because they fear not being believed.

I realize that if I were to try to press charges now… or even back when I first disclosed… there would be no credible corroborating evidence. There almost was… my younger sister started down the stairs to that basement while I was lying unclothed on the floor. My abuser yelled out to her to go back upstairs. She remembers it – entirely independently of my memory – and remembers feeling scared and like something “really bad” was happening in that basement. It’s a moment engrained in her memory as well as mine. But she didn’t actually witness it. And a decade later there wouldn’t have been any sort of DNA or any other corroborating evidence. So… I have no evidence. Again, that’s not uncommon.

So… I can see the fallacy and weakness in arguments some of the Kavanaugh defenders hold up. I really can. And I want to point out those things. Those arguments are damaging to those who have been abused and to how we approach those who have been abused. A delay in disclosure and what would seem like significant missing details are normal! We cannot hold those things up on their own as evidence to discredit the accuser or judge the allegations as false.

After my abuser's funeral, I finally disclosed for the first time to my future husband. And… after that… rather reluctantly to my parents. I’m not sure why I was still so reluctant. I actually wouldn’t have disclosed to them then if I’d had any choice. But... I was lucky… I was believed. Unfortunately, my participation in various support groups has shown me that belief is all too often not the case. Skepticism and disbelief are not uncommon… and are frequently even more damaging than the abuse itself.

And yet….

And yet we are a nation whose legal system has been founded on due process and the belief that a person is innocent until proven guilty. The burden of proof lies with the accuser, not the accused. And in aggravated criminal cases it must be proven beyond a reasonable doubt. The reason for this should be clear: if not for due process and the burden of proof, anyone – at any time – could be accused of something of which they are innocent. A person could face imprisonment or death by a simple accusation.

We look back on the Salem Witch Hunts as a dark time in our history. Innocent people were burned at the stake due to mob behavior, vigilante justice, and a lack of due process. False accusations with no burden of proof. If you didn’t like someone, just accuse them of being a witch and problem solved. If someone were to defend the accused, well, then, that person must be guilty too.

Today, I see people rising up and condemning without due process in all sorts of situations and my heart sinks. We see something on the news or on social media and with mob-like vengeance we shake our fingers in condemnation and call for what we believe to be justice… Without ever really allowing for due process to know what justice really is.

I wonder if our great-grandchildren will look back on this moment as an equally dark time in our nation’s history. As of this moment, there is no preponderance of evidence against Judge Kavanaugh. In fact, those very witnesses which Dr. Ford herself has named have refuted, not corroborated, her story. And yet we are ready to destroy a man we do not know. He stands lashed to that stake with the flames licking at his feet. And the mob gathers. If you don’t like someone, accuse them of sexual abuse and… yeah…. And if someone were to defend him well, then… yeah….

That’s why our legal system is based on the precept that a person is innocent until proven guilty. It’s too easy to lob an accusation at someone and destroy a life. There are those who argue that this is not a criminal case. True. But, honestly, a prosecutor wouldn’t touch it – there is no supporting evidence; no way to prosecute. Yet in a very real and crushing way, he has been declared guilty – his life forever changed. Not because there is any credible proof, but because a woman said so.

It sounds a little like Joseph. Tossed in jail because a woman said so. Actually, Potiphar’s wife even had a little more proof – she had a torn garment belonging to the accused. We sometimes question how Potiphar could believe Joseph would be guilty of such a crime – this man he completely trusted, who had lived an exemplary life in charge of his entire household. But isn’t that where we are today? Are we no better than Potiphar? Are we willing to destroy a man’s life because a woman said so? A woman without even a torn garment?

As a child who was abused, and as an adult who has many friends who have suffered abuse and then not been believed, I want to be able to always believe a child… always believe a woman… or a man… who claims abuse. But through my study and my work to heal I’ve learned a lot about how memory works. It’s not static. It evolves and changes with the story we tell ourselves. I actually have two different memories of how the stairs to that basement looked – one was straight and one was more of an “L” shape. I know memory is not infallible. There is a story in our family that has been told enough times that my husband swears he was there to see it. I know we were in a car on our way back from college and only heard about it. Memory is not infallible. And, furthermore, as a Christ-follower, I know we’re all messed up. We all lie at one time or another, for one reason or another. We live in a broken world with broken people.

And… as a believer… living in a broken world… I am given similar instruction to what the jurors in our legal system are given.

In Deuteronomy, Moses outlines to the Israelites the biblical qualifications given by Yahweh for bringing an accusation against someone:

“One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established.” (Deut. 19:15, NKJV)

There it is… to bring an accusation we need at least two, preferably three, witnesses. Let me clarify that witnesses don’t necessarily need to be human. In our day and age a “witness” could be DNA, a fingerprint, a recording, a weapon… something that corroborates the accusation. The point is we are not to bring an accusation without any evidence. God is saying, long before the U.S. government, “Innocent until proven guilty.”

I admit… that can be a little hard to swallow when we can point to cases like mine where the accused would walk away due to lack of evidence… lack of witnesses. But the truth is, in a broken world, we either require evidence (witnesses) in order to have some sort of civility and in the process allow the possibility of injustice at times, or we require no witnesses at all and allow the possibility of injustice every... single... time. We either require evidence, or we allow a witch hunt. God sees the danger and He outlines His plan to protect the innocent in a fallen world: Two or three witnesses provide corroboration… which leads to credibility… which leads to clarity.

And it’s not just Old Testament that requires more than an unsubstantiated accusation. Jesus himself requires it. He actually quotes the Deut. 19:15 passage in his instruction:

“If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he does not listen to you, take one or two more with you, so that BY THE MOUTH OF TWO OR THREE WITNESSES EVERY FACT MAY BE CONFIRMED.” (Matt. 18:15-16, NASB)

And in 1 Timothy 5:19, Paul reiterates the same principle:

“Do not receive an accusation against an elder except on the basis of two or three witnesses.”

When God says something three times we need to sit up and listen. He’s serious. He does not want us to miss this. And if we look at the rest of the passage in Deuteronomy we see just how serious He is. First, He gives instruction on what to do if someone does bring an accusation without a witness. Then He tells us what should happen if the accuser is found to be false:

“If a false witness rises against any man to testify against him of wrongdoing, then both men in the controversy shall stand before the Lord, before the priests and the judges who serve in those days. And the judges shall make careful inquiry, and indeed, if the witness is a false witness, who has testified falsely against his brother, then you shall do to him as he thought to have done to his brother; so you shall put away the evil from among you. And those who remain shall hear and fear, and hereafter they shall not again commit such evil among you. Your eye shall not pity: life shall be for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot.” (Deut. 19:16-21, NKJV)

God takes false accusations seriously! The accuser is to be dealt the same punishment the accused would have if found guilty. Note, though, that God puts limits on it. The same, not more. Life for life; eye for eye… we can’t go life for eye. He is a just God.

Still, even with limits, the punishment may seem harsh. Why does God insist on such strict measures? Because God knows the human heart. If the accuser is allowed to bring unsubstantiated accusations and faces no consequences then false accusations will run rampant. The accused may be unfairly judged and have his reputation ruined or receive unearned punishment. And if not, well… no harm, no foul, right? Move on and try again another day. The accuser has no incentive not to try again. In fact, it’s just the opposite.

If we allow someone to be found guilty (either legally or public opinion) without corroborating evidence (witnesses) then false accusation will be rewarded and not punished. People will be motivated to use it, not deterred by any (non)consequences. It will become an everyday weapon. We’ll set a new precedent while abandoning both God’s law and the time-tested ways of justice. Every single one of us will be guilty until proven innocent.

I am not saying Dr. Ford has brought false accusation. She could be telling the whole truth. She could be telling truth as she remembers it (keeping in mind that memory is fluid and fallible). What I am saying is she has not brought forth anything to back up her accusation. And, in fact, her witnesses have refuted it and her own testimony gives us reason to question her honesty. (E.G. she claims she didn’t want to testify because she’s afraid of flying and yet we find that she flies for fun, family and business).

What I am saying is that even if she is telling the entire truth, we set a dangerous precedent if we derail Judge Kavanaugh’s life without some sort of supporting, credible evidence. If we let that happen, all that is needed to ruin someone is an accusation. No evidence. Guilty until proven innocent.

And, finally, one more thought. If the accusation she brought were undeniable, unrefuted fact (which it is not)… Does a sin 36 years ago, as awful as it is, disqualify a person who has lived an exemplary life since then from becoming a Supreme Court Justice? Please know, I am NOT saying boys will be boys and we should turn our eyes away. Boys need to be taught better and disciplined severely for that type of behavior!

But if you are quick to say something 36 years ago does disqualify him from service today – despite his apparently exemplary life since then and even now – I’d ask you to consider Moses. Before he was a lawgiver… before he sat and made decisions on the disagreements of the Israelites (he did act as judge for his people!)… before that… he was a murderer. It was witnessed. He never served time. He must have been terrified to go to Pharaoh knowing what was in his past! But 40 years (and God) had changed him. He went from lawbreaker and murderer to lawgiver and trusted judge. I’d ask you to consider David, Israel’s greatest king… also a murderer and an adulterer. I’d ask you to consider Paul the apostle, who was Saul the persecutor and murderer. God seems to forgive and use. We tend to accuse and abuse. And, finally, I’d ask you to consider Joseph, a convicted attempted rapist who became the second in command for all of Egypt. Yes, he was wrongly accused. But Pharaoh had no way of knowing that.

I want to make clear that my heart breaks for victims of sexual abuse. My heart is torn into shreds by the stories of those who weren’t and aren’t believed. I see them on my support groups with heartbreaking frequency. I’ve met several of them. Listened to many more. I know they are out there. But I couldn’t, even given that, toss aside the time-tested ways of justice and the mandates of God’s law in order to condemn a man whom the evidence has shown to be an honest, God-fearing, woman-cheering, man.

I have to ask... which is the more grievous error: to set free a guilty man, or to condemn an innocent one?

Based on Deuteronomy 19, I’d have to say God would answer the latter.


-jenn