Finding... My Something to Say

Finding What's Within... by Writing it Out

About Me:

I'm just a wife and a mom to three kids, still struggling to figure out what I want to be when I grow up... and what it is I have to say. I've always "thought" best on paper. This blog comes out of that. If you want more of the story that started the blog, you can read my first post, Something to Say.

As time has gone on, I've figured out that I might have a few things to say. I'm still unsure of myself, still growing... and still pretty unsure why anyone would actually listen to me (and yet somehow disappointed when they don't). But since this blog started I've grown a little and discovered that sometimes it just helps to know that you're not alone; that someone else has the same struggles and questions. That said, please comment on posts that inspire you; make you nod and say "me too!"; or even just plain make you mad. Sometimes it feels like I'm talking to an empty room, but I really do want this to be a place of encouragement and discussion!  

Some of the areas I feel compelled to open a door to:  

• I am a survivor of  childhood sexual abuse.  Only in the last two years have I begun to realize how it impacted me and all my relationships.  Up until then, I honestly thought it didn't affect me at all. It's something I hid from everyone -- including my parents -- for a very long time. I've come to understand, though, that sharing our stories helps others who may feel alone. Survivors of CSA often feel very alone. Given that at LEAST 1/4 girls and 1/6 boys is sexually abused by the time they are 18, we are NOT alone. It's time to speak up and dispel that myth... and to help others feel more free to step into the light of freedom. I started counseling for it in 2013. I'm not healed, but I am better. Sharing my story has freed me from some of the shame.  I hope it can help to free others.
• I love my husband. But sometimes I don't love him well. And sometimes it goes the other way. Because that's just the way life is. There have been times when things were tough, but we've gotten through them (with a little help from a christian psychologist at times). I want to give hope to others who might be struggling... and I want to be a voice that stands up and says 'It's okay. We all struggle. And there's NOTHING wrong with getting help!"
• One of my children was diagnosed with a mild form of bipolar just before her senior year of high school. This is yet another area where people often feel alone. It's so easy to blame ourselves for our children's behaviors (and sometimes so easy to blame other parents for their child's behaviors!). I've learned that even a perfect parent (if there were such a thing) can have problems.  I mean, really, just look how God's kids turned out! Talk about a perfect parent with problem children....
• I actually sometimes struggle with a mild mood disorder... Most of the time I try to hide it...  look "normal" on the outside. I'm discovering, though, that there's more benefit in being real. So I'm trying to be real; trying to be a light.

How it Actually Started (the somewhat short version):

In 2009, I bought the CD "Something to Say" by Matthew West after I heard "The Motions" on the radio. "The Motions" challenged me... pushed me... and resonated:

This might hurt, it's not safe
But I know that I've gotta make a change
I don't care if I break
At least I'll be feeling something

It's a song that still resonates today.  I still work to "feel something" sometimes.  But the title track, "Something to Say" also resonated:

You got something to say
If you’re livin’, if you’re breathin’
You got something to say
And you know if your heart is beatin’
You got something to say
And no one can say it like you do
God is love and love speaks through you
You got it, you got it
You got something to say

As the song started tugging on me, I wrote on my Facebook status:

Jenn is wondering... if she's got something to say... why doesn't she have the faintest clue what it is?

And so this blog was born....  trying to find what's within by writing it out... and sharing the journey with anyone willing to listen.  Because... as the song said:

Listen up, I got a question here
Would anybody miss you if you disappeared?
Well your life is the song that you sing
And the whole wide world is listening
Well the answer to the question is
You were created, your life is a gift and
The lights are shining on you today, ‘cause
You got something to say

-jenn