I thought I got it. I mean, I wrote it, right? But oh don't you love it when your own words come back at you....
Not long after I wrote those words I discovered that a friend whom I had stood by in times of struggle had been facing those same struggles again... but this time without telling me. Alone, without support, struggling had turned to falling. As I looked at the surrounding devastation, I could only wonder why my friend hadn't confided in me. Why go it alone when help and support were available? I would have supported... loved... helped in any way possible. I had proven all that before, so why wasn't I trusted this time? Why didn't my friend come to me? Why didn't my friend trust me enough to believe I would be there to help and not condemn? The lack of confidence and trust stung. It even triggered some anger within me. Just what did I have to do to prove I would be there for my friend? And then... it hit me: Psalm 50.
When I try to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and handle life on my own... I'm doing the same thing to God that my friend did to me. I'm shutting Him out when He's proven over and over again that He's there for me. And as much as it stung to discover my friend's choice to go it alone... how much more must my tendency to go it alone break my Father's heart? Ouch.
A few days later, though, I discovered God wasn't quite through using my own blog against me.... LOL.
Truth is... I hide. And... I try to handle life on my own. Not just with God. I can do it with those around me as well. It doesn't even have to be "big" stuff. For example:
When my husband has to work late and I find myself jealous for his time, I tend to try to handle it on my own. I talk myself out of the hurt, telling myself that he's being a good provider (he is!); that he has no choice (he doesn't); that I should be glad he has a job (I am). I tell myself that it's not fair of me to feel the way I do, and he doesn't need any more stress, so I need to "handle" it on my own (by pretending everything is fine and swallowing the hurt). But, as my psychologist pointed out to me this week with something else, hiding isn't really handling. So... (thinking on my own now)... what if... instead of "handling" it on my own... I admitted to my husband how much I missed him? Not accusing; not angry; just simply admitting that I am struggling? What would that say to him? Wow. I usually look at it from my own perspective of "I know I shouldn't be feeling this way. My feelings are just wrong." and so I try to talk myself out of it... keep it hidden. Let me just admit right here and now that I hate to be wrong in any way, especially in front of people -- thus my tendency to hide and handle it on my own. Looking at it from my husband's perspective, though... if I stopped hiding... if I were open with him about my struggle... It would not only communicate the desire I have for him (which has to feel good to any guy!)... but it would also show that I trust him with my feelings even when I know they aren't fair. I trust him enough to share the "ugly" parts of me... to let him in to the areas where I know I'm wrong. I trust him enough to let him help me. And when I let my husband in to be the knight-in-shining-armor that every guy longs to be... that has to feel a lot like praise. And when I don't? Sigh....
Those same feelings/questions I felt as I discovered my friend's silent struggle? I send to my husband and my God every time I'm not honest about what I'm feeling or what I'm struggling with. That's why a cry for help completes the banquet of praise... that's why my God (and my husband) long for me to quit hiding; to quit trying to handle it on my own; and to just trust them enough to let them in to help. That's why... every time I don't... I break my Father's heart.
Guess I've got some work to do....
-jenn
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