Marriage: Give and... Take?

Have you ever sat in a church pew just sure that the person beside you really needed to hear the message being given? You just knew that the words were meant not for you, but for that other person, right? I had that experience recently. Not in church, but sitting in our psychologist's office. He'd listened to us discussing a tough topic for awhile and then mentioned that a lot of people believe a good marriage is one with give and take. He asked us to re-frame that just a bit... with give and receive. I nodded my head in understanding and agreement as he spoke. He then asked us what we thought about that concept and I volunteered that it fit right in with what my parents always taught me – marriage isn't 50/50 it's 100/100. He nodded yes, but added a "but" that should've told me I wasn't entirely tracking. He reiterated that he wanted us to think about that concept of give and receive – rather than give and take – in the context of the topic we'd just been discussing. Uh huh. I got it. My husband needed to focus less on taking and more on giving, being happy with what he was receiving, right? I didn't actually voice that out loud, of course... but anybody could see who that statement was meant for, right?

Okay. Maybe not.

Later that evening my husband offered me a gift involving his time and attention – emphasizing that he wanted nothing in return. I should have been thrilled – he was listening; he got it. He was giving, not taking. I was surprised to realize, though, that I was conflicted. Briefly, I considered the possibility that he was doing this "just because" he was supposed to, not because it was his idea or that he really wanted to. I knew that wasn't fair, though... and even if he was doing it just because of our counseling session, he was still offering in an effort to show love, care, and support. I needed to accept it for the gift it was. Closely following that thought, though, was the realization that even though he had stressed he wanted nothing in return, I wasn't comfortable with that. I knew I'd end up feeling guilty for taking without giving. And I'd feel obligated to reciprocate. I'd "owe" him. As I considered that thought and what to do with it, the next thought surprised me: I realized – quite suddenly – that I never receive from my husband without feeling like I need to give something in return.

As I thought about that, I remembered times when I've given to him and wanted nothing in return. And I asked him what he thought at those times. His answer? "I feel loved." But for me to consider receiving? Just receiving? I feel the "should's" and "ought to's" weigh on me with the strong undertones of "you owe him." It hit me with blinding clarity – I hadn't learned to receive! I thought about how awkward I feel if someone gives me a Christmas gift and I have nothing to give in return. I even thought about my daughter's neighbor bringing food over for her the night we moved her in... and how I taught my daughter that you never return a container empty. And I realized... I don't think we're taught how to receive well. Not a gift. Not even a compliment.

It's taken me years to learn to appear to receive a compliment. I used to always deflect. I've finally learned to smile and say "Thank you," but if I'm honest even with that I have to admit that I'm still deflecting inside. I don't really know how to receive a compliment well. And I don't know how to receive a gift well. I feel obligated to return the favor. And that... that makes it... not a gift. That takes the joy away from the giver.

Webster defines the word gift as "Something voluntarily transferred by one person to another without compensation." Did you catch that? "... without compensation." We can't repay a gift. Any attempt to do so, by definition, changes it from a gift. Instead, it becomes an obligation – and something the giver never intended.

I'd like to think I'm good at giving. I enjoy meeting a friend for lunch and treating her. I squirm inside, though, when she only allows me to do so with the promise that "next time it's on me." That's not my intent. I mean for it to be a gift, a blessing. That response moves it from being a gift to a debt; from being a blessing to an obligation. But I'm realizing that I do the same thing. It's hard for me to accept a gift and offer nothing in return. I want to pay it back. I don't like to be on the side of receiving. Whether it's a compliment, a gift, or help – I'd rather give than receive. That even sounds biblical, right? It's better to give than to receive – I'm sure I've heard that somewhere! (Acts 20:35). So I can justify it... it's a good thing, right? If I am always giving, though, I don't leave my friend or my husband, or even my God, space to give. In my failure to receive well, I rob them of the blessing of giving. Our psychologist's words echoed in my mind – give and receive. The words were more for me than I thought.

So that night I told my husband what I'd realized... and admitted to him that I needed to learn how to receive. I needed to LET myself receive – without feeling the obligation, the "should," the overwhelming feeling that I needed to pay him back. I needed to learn the vulnerability of just receiving... of just enjoying the gift. And so that night I accepted his gift as just that – a gift. I'm sure I've got more work to do, but the beginning was beautiful. I rested in the love, in the gift – without the obligation. And what's more – he was able to enjoy it... to enjoy me freely receiving. And his enjoyment brought an even bigger smile to my face. It was a beautiful moment that touched us both deeply.

It seems our counselor was on to something: a good marriage – or any relationship – is not one where you've learned the art of give and take... it's one where you've learned to give and receive. That one little word change... so close... and yet so different. So... freeing.

So... how well do you receive? Do you, like me, feel a need to reciprocate, or pay back something which was freely given? Or are you able to allow the giver the blessing of accepting it with nothing but a smile and a heartfelt thank you? If not, what prevents you from receiving well? If you do, then feel free to share how you've learned to give and receive!

-jenn

Broken Together

Snuggled up against my husband's chest, wrapped in his arms at the end of a long day, I was feeling especially contented... happy...  blessed.  Sometimes I just can't quite wrap my mind around what God has been doing in our lives and it was one of those evenings.  I was lost in the wonder of it all when I suddenly realized where I had been a year ago.  At the beginning of April last year... our psychologist had helped me uncover something that had shocked me to the core. 

Carl and I had begun counseling not because there was anything earth-shattering going on in our marriage.  It wasn't full of hostility or knock-down, drag-out fights.  There wasn't even the slightest threat of divorce.  At times there was some tension just below the surface – it's easy to get off-balance when you're walking on all that stuff swept under the carpet!  Really, though, it was just that our marriage wasn't what it should be... or what either of us wanted it to be.  We were more business partners than best friends.  Traveling basically the same direction, but on parallel roads – enough distance between us to make for a lonely journey.   By the time that morning in April had rolled around, we'd been in counseling for somewhere around 6 months, making slow progress.

That morning, though, Carl wasn't feeling well... so I went to our session alone.  I started by talking about my own mood issues.  We talked about the fact that I internalize and bury emotions so deeply that a lot of the time even I don't know what's going on inside me.  Our psychologist began trying to help me draw it out by using stem sentences – he would start a sentence like "I feel most sad when..." and I was supposed to complete it.    After a few rounds of stem sentences he stopped and observed, "So you feel sad and alone in your marriage."  I corrected him, "Not sad... but, yeah...  alone."  The next stem sentence took a slightly different turn.  He started, "I feel most happy in my marriage when...."  I stopped cold as I realized there was nothing – the only honest answer I could give was "I don't."  After struggling with that for a few minutes I finally turned to our counselor and quietly gave voice to my realization, telling him it had surprised me.  He nodded his head in understanding and added, "Not a good, surprise, huh?"  It wasn't.  It shook me to the core.

So here I am...  a year later...  snuggled into my husband's chest, overflowing with love and happiness and feeling blessed beyond belief.  What happened?  God happened.  As I snuggled deeper into Carl's chest I reflected aloud, "You know, we've been through some pretty hard things in the last year...  but I wouldn't trade any of it if it meant we couldn't be right where we are today."  He understood exactly what I was saying and agreed completely.  We have been through some rough stuff.  We've been through some things that any sane couple would want to avoid... some things that should have pushed us further apart – especially given our "drifting" status before we even hit them!  Honestly, if God had let me in on what He was going to take us through, I'm not sure I would've agreed to it.  Actually, I am pretty sure I wouldn't have!  Yet... those very things which should have pushed us apart have drawn us together; things which should have destroyed trust, instead nurtured it; things satan meant for harm, God used for good.  And there in the storm, in amazing ways that could only be God... love grew.  

The truth is, we wouldn't be where we are without those hard times... times when we were broken together.   Broken to become healed.  Broken to become stronger.  I've heard it said that broken bones heal to become even stronger than they were before the break.  I don't know if that's true.  I do know that we have.  Our marriage now is much more than either of us could have dared to dream. So, no... I wouldn't trade any of it.  Not even the tough stuff.

And with that thought and a prayer of thanks, I snuggled even deeper into my beloved's chest, feeling his arms tighten around me... contented...  happy... blessed beyond belief... and absolutely amazed at all God has been doing and is continuing to do. 

Maybe you and I were never meant to be complete
Could we just be broken together
If you can bring your shattered dreams and I'll bring mine
Could healing still be spoken and save us
The only way we'll last forever... is broken together

            - Casting Crowns, Broken Together

Our "Secret"

Nearly three weeks ago, my husband and I renewed our wedding vows.  It was a small, simple service right after the Sunday morning services in our church.  I've been told there wasn't a female there without tears in her eyes.  I don't know – my eyes never left my husband's face.  I do know that whatever was – and is – was all God.

After the service, someone called out to me, "Can you tell us your secret?"  I was on my way to grab something from my purse, but as I hurried away I yelled back over my shoulder, "Prayer!"  I wish now I'd taken the time to really answer.  The answer is still prayer, but I'm afraid it seemed a little glib as I said it over my shoulder that morning.  There was nothing glib about it.  It's honest truth... and so much more important than anyone would have believed from the way I tossed my answer out that morning.

Several months ago, during one of our counseling sessions, our psychologist asked me what my husband could do to help when I was experiencing the depressive side of my mood disorder.  I shrugged my shoulders – I really didn't know.  I didn't think there was anything he could really do for me in those moments.  It was just something I had to get through on my own.  Our psychologist then asked how it would be if my husband prayed for me.  Tears gathered unexpectedly in my eyes.  It touched me in a way that surprised me.  The thought of my husband praying over me was an intensely powerful one.

I think it was a few weeks later when our psychologist gave us an assignment – to pray together daily.    Those first few prayers stirred something within me.  To be honest, though, while the prayers continued fairly regularly... the stirrings inside didn't.  The prayers were stilted...  predictable...  a little like reading from a prayer book rather than talking from the heart.  I could almost hear my last pastor calling them "vending machine" prayers.

In late August, though, we found ourselves face to face with some tough things to work through.  In a hotel room, away from friends and family, with prayers from two pastors covering us, we began with prayer.  There were some hard questions that night... and some hard answers.  There were silent prayers as we grappled honestly and openly with the problems we faced.  And after everything was said, there were more prayers.  The seemingly rote type of prayer we had shared over the past few months was gone – replaced by prayers of true brokenness and openness between us.  Prayers of repentance.  Prayers for direction.  Prayers of thanksgiving.  After that last prayer, I leaned over to hug my husband.  As I drew back from the hug, I kissed his cheek and suddenly, as I tasted the saltiness of the tears coursing down his face (and mine), there was an inexplicable healing.  Those broken, humble, open, honest prayers had torn down something between us and allowed God in to stir things... renew things... heal things in a way that left us both with our jaws hanging open.  It was not the ending either of us had anticipated for the evening.  It was a new beginning with Jesus' fingerprints all over it – something only God could do.

We pray together daily now – sometimes several times.  Now, when I feel a mood swing coming on, I talk with my husband, let him hold me, and he prays over me. (Trust me, guys... if you do this for your wife with sincerity, she will turn to mush!).  When things are rough at the office or he's facing other personal struggles, I pray over him.  When he left town on business a couple of weeks ago, we called each other every night and prayed together over the phone.   It's my first thought now when trouble hits.  I was starting dinner preparations recently when I received a piece of disturbing news.  After just a moment's hesitation, I dropped everything and walked out the door – straight down the road to my husband's office... to pray together.  It was just too important to wait.  A couple of months ago I'm not sure we would have prayed together about it at all.  Last week, I couldn't wait.  Just this morning, I threw my arms around his neck and prayed with him outside the house as he left for work.  Yep, standing in the yard right out there in front of everyone.  It's that important.

I do have to say that prayer alone wasn't an immediate miracle cure for us.  Those "vending machine" or rote prayers didn't do it.  It took getting honest and real with each other and praying from the heart.  Praying openly and honestly with each other has brought us closer together and keeps us close – we're a team, in this together.  Praying openly and honestly for each other has also brought a new intimacy to our marriage.  Nothing makes you feel more cherished than having your spouse hold you and pray over you.  We've been extremely blessed to have a Christian psychologist who recognizes that spiritual intimacy is a vital part of the emotional intimacy that's required for a good marriage.  I just can't imagine successful marriage counseling with someone who never even brings God into it.  Prayer unites us; moves us; heals us.

Prayer.  Praying together; praying over each other; drawing closer to each other while drawing closer to God.  That's been our "secret" for the past few weeks. Yes, I know that a few weeks isn't long in the scheme of things, but I can only say that our marriage has changed in ways I can't begin to explain.  Honestly, we've been feeling a little bit like newlyweds!  My sister calls us "cute."   I call us blessed.  And each night as we fall asleep... we pray... and thank God for all He is doing in our lives.... 

We pray.

-jenn

 

Making All Things New - an invitation

Twenty-seven years ago, a girl barely 19 years old took the hand of the 20 year old boy standing in front of her and with all the innocence and hope of those 19 years shining in her eyes said, "I do."  Twenty-six years later, she sat on a bench beside him watching the wind pound the waves of Lake Michigan into the sand, trying to find the courage to tell him that she'd spoken to their daughter's psychologist about starting marriage counseling.  When she finally found the courage, he admitted he'd been thinking the same thing.  

Over the course of the last year of counseling, we've had times where it felt like two steps forward, one step back.  Other times, it's felt like one step forward, two steps back.  While there's been progress, it's been slow.  At times it seems there've been more tears than laughter; more hurt than hope. 

A few weeks ago, at a point where our hearts were more broken than ever before, we took a night away to talk through some things.  The drive to the hotel that night was one of the longest, quietest drives we've ever had.  Neither of us knew what to expect that evening.  We began with prayer.  We ended with prayer.  There was prayer through the entire evening.  And... there was God.  In the midst of our tears, God met us there in a totally unexpected way.  Jehovah Rapha – the God who Heals – showed up in all His glory.  He restored what was broken, redeemed that which had been lost.  I can't begin to explain what happened that evening... except to say that the course of our marriage was changed forever with a night neither one of us will ever forget -- a night that had Jesus' fingerprints all over it.

At one point that evening, I looked into my husband's eyes and with all the hope and love given by my Savior shining from my eyes... I whispered, "I am my beloved's and he is mine."  Spoken from my heart, the words paraphrased from the Song of Songs were a vow; a promise; a reaffirmation of the covenant we had made twenty-seven years ago.  I meant it with everything that was within me.  At that moment in time, at this moment in time, those words mean so much more than the "I do" I'd promised twenty-seven years ago.  I understand so much more now all that those words mean.  

On that evening, with the words from Song of Solomon, I renewed my wedding vows to my husband.  This Sunday, after the morning services at our church, we will renew those vows before God, family and friends.  We understand more fully now what those vows really mean... and they mean more to us now than ever before.  We will also exchange new rings – not to replace our wedding rings, but to represent our renewed commitment.  The Song of Solomon rings bear the Hebrew inscription from the Song of Solomon – the words I spoke as a vow that evening.  We've also had them engraved with the words, "Making All Things New."  God is doing a new thing in our lives.  We want to acknowledge and remember what it was He did that night – moving beyond our wildest imaginations, hopes or dreams.

We know that there is still healing and learning to come.  We are continuing with counseling.  But now when hurt comes, we seek solace and comfort in each other's arms, covering each other in prayer and drawing close to our Savior.  We are choosing to seek the joy that God has promised and choosing to fight – together – the evil that would seek to destroy it.  Now, more than ever, we appreciate the vows that we have made; the vows we will be renewing. 

Perhaps it seems a little strange, but I think we are just as excited about renewing our vows as we were to say them the first time.  Originally, I had thought we would keep the renewal of our vows simple and private.  As we thought more about it, though, and the incredible gift that God has given us, we realized we couldn't keep that to ourselves.  We want to be a testimony to what God can do – what He wants to do.  We want to share the incredible joy He has brought us.  We still want it to keep it simple, and we don't want anyone to feel obligated.  But... if you want to share in our joy... and witness what God is doing... we'd love to have you there.  

-jenn