31Days - Stuck

I thought I knew what I was writing about for this blogpost. I'd started my research, was planning it in my head. And then... then today happened.

Two weeks ago, my husband and I sat down on our counselor's sofa and as he looked us over he commented how relaxed and contented we looked... and asked about the difference.... I was feeling really good about where I was. The 31Day challenge had been good for me. I felt I was growing. I felt more confident in who I was as God's child. I felt content.

Today... today couldn't have gone much more differently. First let me clarify – it's not "couple" stuff. We're good. It's not even "husband" stuff. He's good. It's "my" stuff. I'm not so good. I went into today knowing it probably wasn't going to be pretty. Truth is, if my counselor had asked me to put a word to how I felt inside before we started, I would have said "toxic." There was a rage boiling just beneath the surface that I didn't understand and I didn't want to even look at... It's too scary to get too close to it. But I knew I had to. So... yeah... it was a tough session – trying to get to areas where I still shut down; I still can't go.

By the end of the session I didn't feel toxic anymore... but I also didn't feel capable of going where my next blogpost was "supposed" to go. In part, because I just didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it (or anything else). In part, because... if I'm honest... I was letting satan whisper those all-too familiar accusations in my ear: "Look how messed up you still are, Jenn! You thought you were growing? Well, think again! You can't keep it together for more than a couple weeks. You haven't gotten anywhere! How on earth could you believe that you have anything to say that could possibly benefit anyone else? How arrogant! What a hypocrite! You know you haven't learned a thing. You're nothing but a poser and you have absolutely no business writing anything!"

Can I just admit that even typing out those lies has my throat tight and tears in my eyes?

So my fear for Day Twenty-Nine:

I am afraid of being stuck (not making progress).

Evil doesn't play fair. He knows just where to push. He knows where I'm vulnerable. He knows that I hate the thought of being right back where I started... of all my effort and tears being for nothing... of being stuck here... forever. He plays on my fear; uses it to try to disable me. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Maybe I should start with what my counselor told me as I prepared to leave his office. As I stood to walk toward the door with my shoulders slumped and head hanging, he looked at me and said, "You can do this. You know how I know you can do this?"

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.
(Philippians 4:13)

He continued, "You know what else I know? Apart from Him you can do nothing."

"I am the vine, you are the branches;
he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit,
for apart from Me you can do nothing.
(John 15:5)

I can do all things through Him, but without Him I can do nothing.

To be honest, I simply nodded my head. They were familiar verses that at that moment didn't have the impact they should have. They should have been freeing. They should have impressed on me that it's not MY battle. It's God's. And while I may feel "stuck" at times, God never is:

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 1:6)

It is God who began the work in me.

The word "began" in this verse carries the connotation of the very beginning (creation). I didn't begin the work that's going on in me. My therapist didn't begin the work that's going on in me. God and God alone began it – long before I even saw it; long before I even knew I needed it. It wasn't my responsibility to begin it. It isn't my responsibility to complete it. My responsibility is to simply submit myself so that I'm working with Him, not against Him. My responsibility is to allow Him to work in me.

for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
(Philippians 2:13)

It is God who is at work in me!

Not only did God begin it, but He is at work in me at this very moment. God – the all-knowing, all-powerful, God of the universe – is working in me! For His pleasure! That's a pretty amazing piece of Truth.

And circling back to Philippians 1:6:

God will continue His work to perfection.

"He... will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus." The work in me is a continuing work in progress. It won't be finished until Christ returns. But it is in process. I am in process. I am His work; His masterpiece. And God is not going to quit. He doesn't give up. He doesn't stall out. Paul is reminding us of what David told us long before:

The LORD will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O LORD, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
(Psalms 138:8)

God will complete His plans for me... with mercy, kindness and faithfulness.

David tells us God will bring to completion the plans and purposes He has for us (the things concerning, or applying to us). But do you see what comes next? In the very same breath, he talks of God's lovingkindness: His kindness, mercy and faithfulness. David is painting a picture of work done with love and care. Listen to what he's saying –  a work done with love and care... like an artist laboring over his work.  An artist creates not just with his hands, but with his heart. That's the picture David is painting.  That's what our Father is doing:

But now, O LORD, You are our Father,
We are the clay, and You our potter;
And all of us are the work of Your hand.
(Isaiah 64:8)

God is working with the love and care of an artist;
carefully sculpting and shaping each detail.

You know, I've heard that verse a thousand times. Somehow, though, I've always envisioned a messy lump of clay being transformed into a simple, monochromatic, functional piece of pottery. When I started writing about Psalms 138:8 today, though, the image began to change. He's working with love and kindness... He's working with the heart of an artist! Suddenly, instead of a simple, functional piece of pottery, I am envisioning an exquisite piece of artwork bursting with color and creativity; a masterpiece labored over with great attention to detail.

The Rock! His work is perfect,
For all His ways are just;
A God of faithfulness and without injustice,
Righteous and upright is He.
(Deuteronomy 32:4)

God's work is perfect!

The problem with a masterpiece? All those fine little details... the careful attention... it all takes time.

But listen to what God says through Habakkuk:

For the vision is yet for the appointed time;
It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail.
Though it tarries, wait for it;
For it will certainly come, it will not delay.
(Habakkuk 2:3)

In the first part of the verse, God promises that His goals will be accomplished. But if we look at the next part of the verse we see just how well God knows us. He knows our impatience. He knows we're going to look around; not see anything happening; and become frustrated, disillusioned, or even try to take things into our own hands. He knows! So He answers us before we even get there and says, "Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay."

God knows it will seem slow to us!
So He warns us and tells us to wait for it.

The New Living Translation puts it this way:

But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place. It will not be delayed.
(Habakkuk 2:3, NLT)

God's plans are not delayed – they are right on His time schedule.

It seems slow.  But it only seems slow to us. He's still working; still fine-tuning all those little details that will bring me – His masterpiece –  to perfection. Sometimes from my perspective it may look like nothing is happening; nothing is changing; no progress is being made. The artist sees the little details that I don't notice, though.

My daughter is an artist. She notices things that I miss. I can look at a painting and appreciate it as a great piece of art. She, however, notices the details that I don't: the intricate shading; the color variation; the attention to shadows and light. I don't really notice those details. She not only notices them, she spends what sometimes seems to me an inordinate amount of time on them. And yet it is the artist's patient attention to those details – details I don't even notice – that makes it a masterpiece. Those little details take time. And the work is coming together whether I can see it or not.

As I was studying Habakkuk 2:3, I discovered that the author of Hebrews actually quotes it in Hebrews 10:37 (and Hebrews 10:38 goes on to quote Habakkuk 2:4).  I took a look at it in Hebrews and was a bit surprised by what I found:

³⁵Therefore, do not throw away your confidence, which has a great reward. ³⁶For you have need of endurance, so that when you have done the will of God, you may receive what was promised. ³⁷FOR YET IN A VERY LITTLE WHILE, HE WHO IS COMING WILL COME, AND WILL NOT DELAY. ³⁸BUT MY RIGHTEOUS ONE SHALL LIVE BY FAITH; AND IF HE SHRINKS BACK, MY SOUL HAS NO PLEASURE IN HIM. ³⁹But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction, but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul
(Hebrews 10:35-39)

Oh wow. Think about that for a minute. The NT scripture is quoting an OT scripture (in all caps) in which God tells us that what may seem slow to us, is in fact still coming. It will happen, just wait. And then the NT scripture starts off the reference with "do not throw away your confidence?!" That just blew me away.

I don't know about you, but that speaks to me right where I'm at: As I'm walking out the door of my counselor's office, head hung low, shoulders slumped, with the words of satan echoing in my head: "You thought you were growing? Well, think again! You haven't gotten anywhere! How on earth could you believe that you have anything to say that could possibly benefit anyone else? How arrogant! What a hypocrite! You haven't learned a thing. You're nothing but a poser and you have absolutely no business writing anything!"

And God answers, through His written word – words written long before I was born – "I know it's taking awhile... but I'm working... it's coming... wait for it, Jenn... don't throw away your confidence."

My head lifts and my heart jumps.

Don't throw away your confidence!

The confidence I'm to keep hold of is not a confidence based on I can do, but on God; His Word; His promises; His faithfulness; His process; and His timing. I am to have confidence in the Artist. He's working on a masterpiece! That... that's enough to put tears in my eyes. Not the tears of despair and lost hope that satan wanted to push on me... but the tears of hope, love and gratitude; the tears that flow when you realize just how very much you are loved and understood... and how very special you are to the one who loves you.

But the encouragement doesn't end there! After God tells us to not throw away our confidence; after He reminds us of the OT scripture that tells us to wait for what's coming; then the author of Hebrews tells us:

But we are not of those who shrink back to destruction,
but of those who have faith to the preserving of the soul
(Hebrews 10:39)

We are not to retreat, but to have faith.

When satan filled my mind with the lies that I was getting nowhere, it felt useless to even try. Part of me wanted to retreat, pull into myself and quit. That pulling into myself? That's one of those destructive protection mechanisms I've been learning to overcome. And retreating into destruction is exactly what satan wanted. He wanted to disable me by convincing me to give up; to return to those things which would destroy me instead of reaching toward the things that could destroy him. But the God of the universe knows my weaknesses; my vulnerability to losing confidence and retreating. And He whispers words of encouragement and understanding, "Don't draw back, Jenn; don't retreat. I know it's taking awhile, but I'm working. It's coming... wait for it. Don't throw away your confidence, Jenn. Have faith!"

Do you hear the love? The tender reassurances from a God who knows you better than you know yourself? The only thing I can do at that point is relax in His grip with tears of gratitude and echo the words of thanksgiving from the Apostle Paul:

Now to Him who is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us, to Him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations forever and ever. Amen.
(Ephesians 3:20-21)

And even those simple words of gratitude have a message all their own:

God is the power working within us...
and He is able to do much more than we can imagine!

Father God, thank you so much for speaking to me through Your word. Thank You for the reminders that You are working in me – even when I don't see it. Thank You for the beautiful picture of an artist creating a work of art with love and patience. Thank You for knowing me and providing the words of encouragement that I would need – long before I needed them! Oh, Daddy! Help me to remember. Help me to hold onto confidence; to not retreat back into destruction. Instead, help me to have the faith to know that You are working even when it seems slow to me. I am a masterpiece! And You care enough to spend time on the details. 

Oh, Daddy... Thank You! 

And to You who can do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think,
according to the power that works within us,
to You be the glory!

Fear: I am afraid of  being stuck (not making any progress).

Truth:

• I can do all things through Him, but without Him I can do nothing. (Philippians 4:13, John 15:5).
• It is God who began the work in me. (Philippians 1:6)
• It is God who is at work in me! (Philippians 2:13)
• God will continue His work to perfection. (Philippians 1:6)
• God will complete His plans for me... with mercy, kindness and faithfulness. (Psalms 138:8)
• God is working with the love and care of an artist; carefully sculpting and shaping each detail. (Isaiah 64:8)
• God's work is perfect! (Deuteronomy 32:4)
• God knows it will seem slow to us! So He warns us and tells us to wait for it. (Habakkuk 2:3)
• God's plans are not delayed – they are right on His time schedule. (Habakkuk 2:3)
• Don't throw away your confidence! (Hebrews 10:36)
• We are not to retreat, but to have faith. (Hebrews 10:39)
• God is the power working within us... and He is able to do much more than we can imagine! (Ephesians 3:20-21)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).