31Days - Known

Yesterday I explored the fear of not being known (feeling alone) and the Biblical truth to combat it. Today is a continuation of yesterday's post – just the "flip side" of it. So if you haven't read it already, you may want to go back and read Day 21: I am afraid of not being known (feeling alone).

The following are small excerpts of the journal entry I shared in that post. (The full journal entry can be found in the link above):

How can I be so desperate to be known... and so reluctant to put myself in a position where I can be -- all at the same time?

The thought of having to interact with someone petrifies me... yet... I want so desperately to be able to do more than just come, worship, and then leave without even talking to a friend. I hate knowing that I'll walk out those doors and we'll eat lunch alone... again.

And yet... And yet week after week, I head straight for the kids, lower my eyes to avoid contact and walk out - an incredible contrast in wanting to be known and refusing to chance it. At war with myself. How stupid is that?

Oh, God... I need someone to rescue me from myself....

I am at war with myself – an incredible contrast in wanting to be known and refusing to chance it.

It would seem I'm not alone. The comments I received after the last post shared how much people related to feeling alone and wanting to be included, but admitted they didn't actively pursue it. Why is that?

I may make excuses like "I'm too busy," but deep down, at least for me, is usually a bigger problem. I am afraid.

I explored the fear of making the first move in a relationship and Biblical truth to combat it in one of the earlier posts in this series. If you haven't read it, and you are one of those who can echo the sentiment of wanting those friendships, but not pursuing them, you might want to go back and read  Day 4: I am afraid of being the first to admit desire for a relationship. It was one of those posts that took me by surprise and had a lot to say to me.

I want to dig a little deeper today, though. I want to dig into the "Why is that?" underneath it and then the Biblical truth to combat it.

So my fear for Day Twenty-two:

I am afraid of being known.

It's a real fear – after you get to know me, you might not like me. And that hurts. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Let's start with yesterday's first point:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
And before you were born I consecrated you...."
(Jeremiah 1:5)

God knows us intimately!

We are already known by the One who matters most. He knows us more intimately than anyone on this earth ever will. And yet...

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
(John 3:16)

God loves us!

Even knowing us better than anyone else, He still loves us – better than anyone else! Maybe you've known those verses for a long time. I have. And I have to admit that sometimes, when something becomes so familiar, it doesn't necessarily move me the way it should. But take a look at what David wrote:

I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,
Because You have seen my affliction;
You have known the troubles of my soul....
(Psalms 31:7)

I've read this before and not seen it, but David says he rejoices and is glad because God has known the affliction and troubles of his soul. And David is not talking about just physical circumstances. He's talking about his soul – his spiritual state; his heart. God knows his heart and yet shows love, kindness, and mercy.

Why does that make David glad?

Because he knows just how poor and miserable his heart is. The word translated as "affliction" actually carries the meaning of depression, poverty, and misery. He has a miserable, impoverished heart and he knows it. And he knows God knows it.

David also knows how unfaithful and how much trouble his heart can be. Strong's Dictionary gives the meaning of the word translated as "troubles" as: a female rival, adversary, adversity, affliction, anguish, distress, tribulation, trouble. Brown-Driver-Brigg's Dictionary gets a little more blunt with the female rival idea and gives a possible translation as "rival wife." In other words, David's heart is divided, it's not always faithful to the God he loves. His heart causes him trouble and he knows it. And... he knows God knows it.

So David rejoices and is glad for God's lovingkindess because he knows that God knows what a wretch he is – and God shows him love, kindness and mercy, anyway. Long before John Newton penned the hymn, David was singing it: "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound; That saved a wretch like me!"

God knows our souls and still shows love and kindness!

I know we know that. And yet... it's still a little scary to consider "being known" by a human – someone with somewhat less than divine love. Yet we are told:

Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.
(Galatians 6:2)

I need to share my burdens.

The law of Christ (His commandment to us) is found in John 13:34-35:

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

We fulfill His law by loving each other. We love each other by bearing burdens. You can't bear my burdens if you don't know them. I need to let you know.

I need to let you know me.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15)

I need to share my joy and my sorrow.

Again, you can't rejoice with me unless I let you see my joy; you cannot cry with me unless I let you see my pain. I need to let you know.

I need to let you know me.

In James 5, James describes the deep and intimate connection that should exist between Christians:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another....
(James 5:16)

I need to confess to you and I need you to pray for me.

Confession requires deep openness and revealing things we would rather hide. But James says that confession of sin is to be met with prayer, not judgment. And again, you can't know what to pray for me if you don't know where I struggle. I need to confess. I need to let you know.

I need to let you know me.

We see a great example of this openness with the Apostle Paul. He shared his fear (1 Corinthians 2:3). He shared his battles with his own self (Romans 7:15-25). He shared his joy (Philippians 2:17; 1 Thessalonians 3:9). He even boasted of his weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:5; 2 Corinthians 12:9).

He let people know him and they followed him to Christ.

But why does God call for us to know each other this way? Is it just for others' sake? There is that. But I think it's also because He wants us to be loved in a deeper way. Going back to yesterday, He knows it's not good for us to be alone.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.

To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.

But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.

It is what we need more than anything.

It liberates us from pretense,

humbles us out of our self-righteousness,

and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”

– Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

If we will not take the risk to be known; we will not experience the fullness of human love.

I have to admit that I am only coming to know this truth. I have believed that by hiding parts of myself from my friends I was making myself more presentable and more likely to be accepted and loved. For years I've hidden parts of myself even from my husband. Some were things from my past I was ashamed of and I swore I'd never tell anyone. Others were feelings or fears that just felt too vulnerable. But an amazing thing happened when I began to share those things: I felt more loved and more accepted rather than less. When I present just a part of myself, deep down I know that you don't really know me well enough to say you love me. When I revealed those parts I'd rather keep hidden to my husband, (and later some others) I discovered a freedom and love that were well worth the risk involved. Not only am I loved better, but it opens up the door for others to be more vulnerable; to say "Me too!" and thus become more fully loved themselves. No, I'm not advocating telling your deepest, darkest secrets to everyone. We do need to use wisdom and confide in safe people. But the more we open up to others, the more full our relationships; the less alone we feel.

Only in being known do we escape the feeling of being alone.

And that part is on us. We have to make the move. Going back to yesterday's post and looking at God's provision of a friend for Elijah.... It dawned on me this morning that God didn't just plop Elisha down in front of Elijah and say "Here you go – new friend, signed, sealed, delivered." No... it wasn't quite that easy. God told Elijah to go and get him. (1 Kings 19: 15-21). "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus...." Go.

We need to go and make ourselves known.

But it is oh, so worth it!

Father God, it's hard for me to let down my guard enough to be known. I don't want others seeing my weaknesses and what I believe are my deficiencies. I want to show the world someone who is "worthy" of love and acceptance. But how much more wonderful to be known – truly known – and still loved. Help me to remember that the joy is worth the risk. Give me courage and strength to share my heart – the burdens, the joys, the sorrows, the dreams, the weaknesses, all of it. Give me the courage and strength to be known. Thank you for knowing me... and loving me anyway!

Fear: I am afraid of being known.

Truth:

• God knows us intimately! (Jeremiah 1:5)
• God loves us! (John 3:16)
• God knows our souls and still shows love and kindness! (Psalms 31:7)
• I need to share my burdens (Galatians 6:2)
• I need to share my joy and my sorrow. (Romans 12:15)
  
• I need to confess to you and I need you to pray for me. (James 5:16)
• I need to let you know me.
• If we will not take the risk to be known; we will not experience the fullness of human love.
• Only in being known do we escape the feeling of being alone.
• We need to go and make ourselves known. (1 Kings 19: 15-21)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Not Known

I wrote the following journal entry in August of 2003. We had been attending a new church for several months after the failure of another church we had been very active in. The entry has been edited very slightly to remove names. It is otherwise unchanged.

How can I be so desperate to be known... and so reluctant to put myself in a position where I can be -- all at the same time?

You know what I hate most about church now? I have to admit that those first few moments before a service begins are uncomfortable – on the outskirts, not quite belonging. But what I really hate is when the worship leader says from the stage, "Have a good week." It's our cue to leave our "comfortable" places in our chairs, go collect kids, and leave for another week. And I hate it. The thought of having to interact with someone petrifies me... yet... I want so desperately to be able to do more than just come, worship, and then leave without even talking to a friend. I hate knowing that I'll walk out those doors and we'll eat lunch alone... again. Just typing it out is enough to cause the tears to fall again. I still, so desperately, miss the friendships at our last church. I still miss working hand in hand with the pastor and his wife. I miss him investing in me; patiently trying to grow me into the leadership role I owned, but didn't deserve - sometimes with encouragement, sometimes with a much-needed 2x4, but always there. I miss knowing that even when I messed up, someone there knew my heart... and still cared. I miss the Sunday afternoon lunches and discussions and planning sessions. I miss working with the band. I miss coming early and leaving late. As stressful as caring for the team and the congregation was, I still miss it. I miss connecting. Me, the independent one whose team had no clue that I even cared. Even I didn't realize how much I cared. But all those missing interactions leave such a huge hole....

So, yes, I hate hearing him say "Have a good week." It means the hardest part of my week is just moments away. I hate just walking out. Alone. It seems so empty. And yet... And yet week after week, I head straight for the kids, lower my eyes to avoid contact and walk out - an incredible contrast in wanting to be known and refusing to chance it. At war with myself. How stupid is that?

Oh, God... I need someone to rescue me from myself....

So my fear for Day Twenty-one:

I am afraid of not being known.

I suppose you could call it a fear of being alone. But it goes deeper than that. I can do "alone" time. In fact, I need alone time. It's feeling alone even when surrounded by people that's the issue. That "alone" comes from the fact that those around me don't truly know my heart. They don't know who I am enough to really stand with me. They may be social media friends... but they aren't really friends.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. Alone can hurt. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
And before you were born I consecrated you...."
(Jeremiah 1:5)

God knows us intimately!

Before our creation, God knew us. Think about that. Even before our parents' DNA joined in that miraculous moment called conception, God KNEW us. He didn't know about us. He KNEW us.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
(Psalms 139:1-4)

God understands us.

Our every thought, He understands completely. He understands it even before we have it! Several times through this series, I've suddenly seen that in the same section of scripture where God called me to action, He also preemptively addressed my fear. He understands me; sees the fear coming before I'm even aware of it; and speaks to it – thousands of years before I was born! He understands me in ways I don't even understand myself.

Continuing with the same passage of scripture:

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
(Psalms 139:5)

God touches us.

When I am in a new place or in a crowd, there is something intimately reassuring about the touch of my husband's hand on the small of my back – leading, guiding, and reassuring. I feel protected and cared for. As I read verse 5, I sense that same touch. God is on every side of me, standing in front of me and behind me with His hand on me – leading, guiding, and reassuring. I am protected and cared for. He is close enough to touch. And He touches me – He gently lays His hand on me! I am known. And I am most definitely not alone.

"No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.
(John 15:15)

Jesus calls us friend.

If I'm honest, though.... sometimes I'd still like a friend that has two feet on the ground, you know? A friend with some skin on. Here's the thing: I think God understands that completely:

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
(Genesis 2:18)

God knows it's not good for us to be alone!

I know generally we use this scripture to talk about marriage. But not everyone is married. Yes, marriage is a beautiful gift. But married or not, God knows it is not good for us to be alone. He means marriage to be male/female. But I think we can look at Jesus and know that God thought it was a pretty good idea to have some same-sex friends as well. John writes of Jesus entrusting His mother to him:

When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, "Woman, behold, your son!" Then He said to the disciple, "Behold, your mother!" From that hour the disciple took her into his own household.
(John 19:26)

Jesus' example affirms friendship.

Entrusting His mother to "the disciple whom He loved." That sounds like really good friends to me! You don't entrust your mom to just anyone!

But more than just Christ's example affirms friendship:

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.
(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

God's word affirms friendship.

It is generally believed that Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes. You know Solomon... David's son. I wonder, if while writing those words, Solomon was thinking back to the stories he had most certainly heard about his father's best friend – Jonathan. I mentioned the friendship on Day 12, but here's the beginning of it:

Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.... Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt.
(1 Samuel 18:1, 3-4)

David had just killed Goliath and Saul had been asking about it. Jonathan heard David's answers and knew that this was someone he could count as a friend. They both had the same love for God, and the same trust that God would see them through battle. (Jonathon faced the Philistines with only his cupbearer in 1 Samuel 14). One difference: Jonathon is the crowned prince, next in line for the throne; David has been anointed for the throne by God. Whoa! But Jonathan gives David his robe, acknowledging that he knows God is giving the throne to David. What unlikely friends! And yet, "Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself." They weren't just friends, they were best friends. They made a vow to protect each other's families. Jonathan protected David from his father, Saul. David sheltered Jonathon's family from annihilation (the norm was to kill the entire royal family after taking over the throne, but David refused to harm the family of his dearest friend). So these two men who could easily be enemies fighting over the throne are instead deeply devoted friends. The friendship saves David's life; preserving the lineage of the coming Christ. You can't tell me God didn't have a hand in that!

God provided exactly the friend that David needed.

Let's look at another story:

Elijah was a prophet of God who had just seen God act in mighty ways, exposing Baal as a false god. Elijah, in fact, was part of that entire process. But after exposing Baal, he receives a death threat from the queen who was a Baal worshipper. Elijah runs for the desert. God meets him there, taking care of his personal needs for rest and nourishment before asking why Elijah is there. Elijah answers:

"I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
(1 Kings 19:10)

Elijah feels alone. So alone and so discouraged that earlier he had actually prayed for his own death. And this is a man whose prayers had held back rain for 3.5 years and then called down the fire of God on a soaked sacrifice! Elijah isn't really the last prophet and he knows it – earlier in the story Obadiah had told him that he'd managed to hide 100 prophets in caves. But Elijah feels alone. And he doesn't hesitate to tell God.

God first answers by drawing him into a cave and revealing Himself (1 Kings 19:11-12). God knew that the first thing Elijah needed was a personal encounter with God and He gave it to him. Elijah recognizes the presence of God and humbly responds accordingly. God then asks Elijah again what he is doing out here. And Elijah gives the same answer:

"I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
(1 Kings 19:14)

God doesn't get frustrated. He knows what Elijah needs next and, again, He provides it:

The Lord said to him, "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus, and when you have arrived, you shall anoint Hazael king over Aram; and Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint king over Israel; and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint as prophet in your place. "It shall come about, the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael, Jehu shall put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu, Elisha shall put to death. "Yet I will leave 7,000 in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him."
(1 Kings 19:15-18)

First, He gives Elijah a personal encounter. Then He gives him a job to do in anointing new kings over Syria and Israel. Elijah needed a task to focus on so he could avoid excessive introspection. He needed to stop looking at himself and his own (admittedly difficult) circumstances. But the next thing is what's really cool.

God gave something else to the discouraged and depressed prophet, beyond a personal encounter; beyond work to do. He also gave him a friend and a successor. Elijah needed a friend. His main complaint was that he was alone. God knew that and provided for it. God let Elijah know that there was a man ready to be his disciple and companion.

God provided Elijah the friend he needed at exactly the right time.

Father God, thank You so much for looking out for me with such great care. Sometimes it's easy to think that I'm alone... that everybody else already has the friends they need and there's no room for me. Socially inept and unwanted. But I am wanted. I am known. In incredible ways. And not only are You my friend, but You've shown me through these stories, that You will provide what I need (or who I need) right when I need it. Help me to run first to You and trust You for the rest.

Tomorrow I'll look at the flip side of the journal entry above – the fear of being known. But for now, here's the recap of today:

Fear: I am afraid of not being known (feeling alone).

Truth:

• God knows us intimately! (Jeremiah 1:5)
• God understands us and touches us. (Psalms 139:1-5)
• Jesus calls us friend. (John 15:15)
• God knows it's not good for us to be alone! (Genesis 2:18)
• Jesus' example affirms friendship. (John 19:26)
• God's word affirms friendship. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
• God provided exactly the friend that David needed. (1 Samuel 18-19)
• God provided the friend Elijah needed at exactly the right time. (1 Kings 19:15-18)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - My Messy House

I've been known to walk outside to meet the pizza delivery boy. He thinks it's because of the large, excited, dog that my daughter is holding by the collar. At least that's what I hope he believes. To help with that impression I shout out, "Somebody hold the dog!" as I head for the door. Part of the reason really is to make sure the dog – who can get to 45mph in 6 feet – doesn't escape. He wouldn't hurt a flea (well, not intentionally) but he is fast; he loves to greet new people; and greyhounds are easily distracted and love to chase squirrels, cats, grocery bags flying in the wind and anything else that may move.... But if I'm honest, the main reason I call out is to give myself an excuse to keep the delivery boy outside my home.

Our home in TX was considerably larger than where we live now. We now live in 624 square feet. There's not even a place to hang coats in the winter, so the sofa becomes the coat tree. There just isn't room for all our stuff. Things get cluttered pretty quickly. And it's hard to clean when there's that much clutter. And it's easy to give up. Dusting doesn't get done as often as it should. I've not seen the top of my kitchen table for months at a time. Sometimes (okay a lot of the time) it's hard to even find the floor to vacuum the way I should. Hmmm... the way I SHOULD. Therein lies the problem. If I can't do something in the complete and full manner I believe it should be done, then I just won't start. So...

I try to prevent the delivery man from stepping inside and seeing the accumulation of stuff that hasn't found its home; the dust on top of the entertainment center; and – if it's been a busy couple of days – the dishes stacked in the kitchen. Because, believe me, with 624sq ft., you see it ALL from the doorway!

And I just don't want that seen.

So my fear for Day Twenty:

I am afraid of someone seeing my messy house.

Actually, I have reason to believe my mother is also afraid of anyone seeing it! She really did train me better... (Sorry, Mom!) So... yeah... it's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
Be hospitable to one another without complaint.
(1 Peter 4:8-9)

Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

To be honest, I've had a problem with that verse for other reasons than just my cluttered living room. I just don't consider myself to have a knack for hospitality. I consider myself fairly...umm... well... socially awkward. But I looked up the Greek word that's translated "hospitable." Thayer's dictionary gives it the meaning of "hospitable, generous to guests." Huh. Generous. I think I can do that! No outstanding entertaining skills required, just a generous heart. Cool!

I also, for the fun of it, looked up "complaint." Strong's listed the expected "a grumbling: - grudging, murmuring." But Thayer's added something: "a secret displeasure not openly avowed." Oh. A secret displeasure? You mean that sinking feeling inside as I tell a surprise guest, "No problem! Come on in!"? Oops. But it's not that I'm actually unhappy to have a guest... it's that I'm embarrassed to have a guest see my mess. But the answer for that might just be in realizing – and internalizing – the truth of verse 8:

Be fervent in love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

Here's the deal. If I walk into your home and am welcomed with a warm, generous spirit, I'm not really going to care about the stack of paperwork on the coffee table or the dishes stacked in the sink. In fact, I'm probably going to be more at ease than if your home were in perfect condition. I can remember an occasion where that concept came home for me in a big way.

I walked into a very nice, large house that was perfect. I mean P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I knew kids lived there, but you couldn't tell it. There wasn't a spot of dust anywhere; not an out-of-place toy in the entire place. I felt like I was going to mess something up just by being there! Seriously! I was very conscious of the fact that I had shoes on my feet, but my hosts left their shoes by the door. I honestly felt uncomfortable even sitting down on the sofa. That sounds completely silly, but it was true! I sat on the edge, never at ease. I didn't even want to set my purse down on the bar or use the table to do something as simple as write a note. I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time I was there. It felt cold and sterile. I felt like I was messing up their perfect little world. I may have been offered a drink, but I was too uncomfortable to have accepted it even if I was. I'm sure they felt like they had a wonderful home for guests, but I couldn't wait to leave!

Contrast that with the friend who owned a very similar home in a very similar neighborhood. I walked in to see clean laundry on the sofa and dirty dishes in the sink. There was a project going on that had the dining table completely covered (in something other than a meal). I was met with a smile and welcomed in. She apologized for the laundry on the sofa. Honestly, though, the laundry, the dishes, the project – none of it mattered to me. I was cared for and at ease. I felt at home.

Did you notice something? I didn't do it intentionally. And I didn't notice it until I read what I just typed, but I used the word "house" in the first scene. And I used "home" in the second. The truth is, I felt much more comfortable, welcomed, and accepted in the home that wasn't perfect. I felt cared for. I think I probably was cared for in the first scene as well, but... somehow I felt like the house was the thing that was really cared for, not the people in it. The warmth of the reception was much more important to me than the perfect (or imperfect) appearance.

What I have to really take to heart is that when Peter talked about being hospitable, he was talking more about the way we treat people when they walk in the door (with love), than our entertaining ability or the lack of clutter on our coffee table. If I'm letting pride keep me from welcoming you into my life (and my home), then I've got a problem.

Oh. Pride. Pride is what drives my fear. Pride and what people think of me. Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 5 those who "take pride in appearance and not in heart" and he wasn't very happy with them! I need to get rid of that!

I need to take pride not in appearance, but in the heart.

And yet...

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
(Titus 2:3-5)

Yeah, I looked up "workers at home," too. It means what you'd think: "taking care of household affairs."

I still need to take care of my home!

So, no, I'm not advocating an excuse for slothfulness! There is a balance. And maybe I need to let go of the perfectionism that says "If I can't do it right, why bother?" Maybe I need to try a little harder... on both counts: keeping the house a little better; but also not letting perfectionism keep me from using my home for God.

Okay, Father... truth is, I'm guilty on both counts. I let perfectionism keep me from doing the things I should. When I don't think I can do things perfectly, I just give up. And when things aren't perfect, I do my best to hide. Help me, Father, to put others before myself. To make sure others are treated with love and respect and welcomed into my life and my home. That's hard, God. If I'm honest, I don't really want to change. I mean, I want to show Your love. And I do remember times of enjoying using my home for You in the past. Although... I probably would've enjoyed it more if I'd let go of the idea that my home had to be in perfect order. Help me to find the balance, Lord. Actually, at this point... just help me to begin to really want to find the balance! Because I'm not there yet. Honestly, It seems a lot easier in theory, than in practice... and in a lot of ways, I'd rather just keep hiding!

Fear: I am afraid of someone seeing my messy house.

Truth:

• We are to be hospitable to one another without complaint. (1 Peter 4:9)
• We are to be fervent in love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
• I need to take pride not in appearance, but in the heart. (2 Corinthians 5:12)
• I still need to take care of my home. (Titus 2:3-5)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Emotion

We were sitting in the living room when I mentioned to my husband that we still needed to write something for Kayla's Senior Memory Night. It's supposed to be written from the perspective of an object she took with her everywhere as a young child (blankie, binkie, doll, stuffed animal, etc). I had no idea (still have no idea) what to write and voiced that concern to Carl. He responded that he thought it was supposed to be funny and sappy. Yeah. I knew that. So my comment back to him was, "But I don't do sappy very well. Maybe you should write it." I heard a snicker from the couch where Kayla was sitting.

I hate to admit that. I don't like admitting the emotional deficiency in myself. And I really don't like admitting I was insensitive enough to actually have had that conversation in front of my daughter. What does that say to her? Ugh! And, finally, I don't like the fact that there was enough truth in my complaint for her to actually find it amusing.

But the truth is there.

Several years ago a friend questioned why I wasn't really happy about something that was happening. I was stunned by her assessment. I was happy. But... I'd controlled my reaction; stifled my emotion. I knew I had trouble revealing negative emotions. But suddenly I realized that I even keep tight control on the positive ones. Truth is, I could receive a gift that would send my heart over-the-moon happy, but from my body you would see only a slight smile and a word of thanks.

What on earth?!

In my ever-logical, deny-all-emotion mind, I've analyzed and can point to several things that probably led to my emotional suppression. As a child, I was told that if you didn't show emotion, the bullies wouldn't find you as fun to torment. I would have done nearly anything to make the daily teasing stop, so it seemed a small price to pay. And I became pretty good at it. My emotions are hidden so deep that even I can't tell what they are much of the time (That's frustrating when your therapist asks what you are feeling!) I learned to value logic over emotions. And I learned that emotions make you weak; make you a target. There's more to it than that (why would I stuff good emotions as well?), but my intent really isn't to psychoanalyze the origin of my fear here, but to explore the Biblical Truth to combat it.

So... my fear for Day Nineteen:

I am afraid of revealing my emotions.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves that showing emotions can make you vulnerable. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Jesus wept.
(John 11:35)

The Truth wept.

When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and He felt compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and He began to teach them many things.
(Mark 6:34)

The Truth felt compassion.

Then He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death;
remain here and keep watch with Me."
(Matthew 26:38)

The Truth grieved.

Jesus said to him, "Have I been so long with you, and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip?
He who has seen Me has seen the Father...."
(John 14:9)

The Truth reflected the Father!

The Truth reflected a Father who expressed:

• Love (John 3:16);
• Anger (Deuteronomy 1:37);
• Pity (Judges 2:18);
• Pleasure (1 Kings 3:10);
• Laughter (Psalm 2:4);
• Compassion (Psalm 135:14);
• Grief (Psalm 78:40);
• Hate (Psalm 11:5);
• Jealousy (Exodus 34:14);
• Joy (Isaiah 62:5).

One of my favorite verses is,

The LORD your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
(Zephaniah 3:17)

I love this picture of God. It varies from the mighty warrior, to the gentle lover, to a picture of exuberant celebration. Celebration over me! There can be no question:

The Father is a God of emotion!

Not only that, but:

When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled....
(John 11:33)

God is a God who is moved by emotion.

So what does that say for me?

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness....
(Genesis 1:26)

We also, are made to reflect the Father (and the Son, and the Holy Spirit).

The truth is, like The Truth, we are to show the world something of God; to reflect Him. If I shut down my emotions, then I am not reflecting the Truth. If I portray myself as a logical, unemotional creature, then I do God a disservice. I show God as logical and unfeeling (a Vulcan!). Based on my reflection of Him, He comes off as detached – a God of rules and regulations. But that isn't who God is. God is logical. But He is not solely logical. He is love; He is a God of relationship and emotions. And I... I was created to reflect that.

So I do Him a disservice by suppressing my emotions. But the truth is, I also do myself a disservice.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone;
but if it dies, it bears much fruit.
(John 12:24)

Because of its hard, protective shell, a grain of wheat can remain intact for thousands of years and not grow. If it is surrounded by the damp earth, though, its protective shell rots. When that protective shell is gone – even in a seed thousands of years old – then the seed will begin to sprout. Once that protective shell is destroyed, then – and only then – is the core released to grow and stretch towards the light.

When the protective shell around my heart is destroyed, I will begin to grow.

I felt hit between the eyes with the implication when I first saw it – on a week when I had run smack into the hard protective shell around my heart. My protective shell keeps me from growing! But then I noticed something that hit me even harder.

Look again at the verse to see this: "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone." I know Jesus is actually talking about the fact that when we die to self and grow, we spread His gospel. But I think there's another, very vital, truth here: As long as there is a cold, protective shell around my heart (like the shell around the grain of wheat), I will remain alone. I may have other people around me, but without knowing my heart, they will not truly know me; they will not be with me. I created that shell to protect myself. But what it really does is keep people out. It keeps me alone.

Without sharing my emotions, letting people in... I will always feel alone.

That is not what God meant for us:

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone...."
(Genesis 2:18)

We were not meant to be alone.

It's not the kind of life Jesus meant for us. Jesus tells us:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
(John 10:10)

Look at the first part of that verse. The thief (satan) comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

If I am killing emotion, I am aligning myself with evil.

Evil wants death. It comes to kill. In suppressing emotion, I am actively working with evil to kill a part of myself – a part that is meant to reflect the Truth; meant to reflect the Father; meant to reflect the Spirit. That is evil's intent – to kill the emotion; destroy the reflection. And I am working with it.

But what is Jesus' purpose?

Jesus came to give life abundant.

The NLT translation puts it this way:

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.
My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.

Jesus wants life. And not just any life. Life in all its fullness. And...

A life that is full, is full of emotion!

Father God, I know You are a God of emotion. That part isn't hard for me. What is hard for me is to let You destroy that protective shell around my emotions. But thank you for showing me how poor a reflection I am when I am suppressing the emotions You created in me. Thank you for showing me how I am aligning myself with evil by attempting to kill a part of myself that You created. That said, it's still hard, Daddy. So help me to want it. Help me to realize that, really, it already is what I want. That hard shell doesn't protect me, it keeps me from growing. It keeps me alone. I don't want those things. I want to grow towards the Light. I want to reflect the Light. Thank you for Your Word and Your Truth.

Fear: I am afraid of revealing my emotions.

Truth:

• The Truth wept. (John 11:35)
• The Truth felt compassion. (Mark 6:34)
• The Truth grieved. (Matthew 26:38)
• The Truth reflected the Father! (John 14:9)
• The Father is a God of emotion. (Zephaniah 3:17 and many, many others!)
• God is a God who is moved by emotion. (John 11:33)
• We also, are made to reflect the Father (and the Son, and the Holy Spirit). (Genesis 1:26-27)
• When the protective shell around my heart is destroyed, I will begin to grow. (John 12:24)
• Without sharing my emotions, letting people in... I will always feel alone. (John 12:24)
• We were not meant to be alone. (Genesis 2:18)
• If I am killing emotion, I am aligning myself with evil. (John 10:10)
• Jesus came to give life abundant. (John 10:10)
• A life that is full, is full of emotion!

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Cockroaches

I had never seen a cockroach until I was in college. Our neighbors in married student housing, though, regularly left their fish in paper bags outside the door. That's a lovely smell after climbing three flights of stairs.... Evidently the roaches thought so, too. It was a constant battle. I was so glad when we found a tiny rent house out in the country. The bedroom was small enough that we had to take the door off the bedroom closet to be able to get into it. The bed blocked the doorway to the closet, but with the door off we could reach around to grab the hanging clothes... sort of. But it was ours. No neighbors with funky smells and roaming roaches. Yay!

Then we moved to Texas. Ummm.... yeah. I'm not sure you could grow up in the south and not know what a roach looks like. They evidently like the warmer weather - and were much more common there. The roaches we'd had in Indiana were small. Texas grows them big. I was astonished (and horrified) to see cockroaches more along the lines of one to two inches long! YIKES. But it got worse. I simply cannot describe the horror when I found out that those big, nasty critters... FLEW! It didn't help that part of this discovery was having one fly directly towards my face.

So my fear for Day Eighteen:

Yes, I am afraid of flying cockroaches.

Honestly, I was tempted to leave it at that – just throw it out there and run. Or drive, actually. Today will be a short post because I'm going to be spending the day driving 10-12 hours. I have to admit that my first thought was to just throw it out there and ask YOU to figure out the Biblical Truth. I mean, seriously, flying cockroaches? What's the Truth in that? But... I'm not going to cop-out quite that much.... I think I've actually got it. So....

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves flying cockroaches can result in a traumatizing experience. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
(Genesis 1:28)

We are to subdue and rule!

Yup. That simple. Subdue and rule. And I have to say I didn't have the faintest hesitation in paying a professional to assure my success in that command. Monthly pest control service was in the budget as long as we lived in Texas. Not a problem! I'd been commanded to subdue and rule and I was taking it seriously! So that's it. The Biblical truth for flying cockroaches. Subdue and Rule!

Dear LORD, I honestly can't find a reason to thank You for flying cockroaches. But I am going to thank You for Orkin... for the help to subdue and rule. And... I'll give thanks for a sense of humor, too – no matter how warped my kids and readers think it may be.

Fear: I am afraid of flying cockroaches.

Truth:

• We are to subdue and rule! (Genesis 1:28)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Failure

October 17, 2015
I am panicked. I woke up this morning knowing that I had less than three hours to shower, get ready for lunch with my in-laws, and... write this blogpost. And I had absolutely no idea what topic to cover. By the time I was done with my morning routine, I was down to two hours. And I still had no idea what I was going to write about. You need to understand... I've been spending several hours each day researching the scriptures for the day's topic. After that, probably an hour or two putting it all together to make some logical sense of it (at least I hope it makes sense). Then it probably takes me another hour or so to get it into blogger with all the right formatting. Oh! And I've been known to take an hour or more to find the "right" image!

In reality, this little writing challenge hasn't been so little. It's taken a major chunk of each day. Fortunately, my husband has been totally supportive. He's run and gotten kids when I was frantically trying to finish up a post. He's suggested pizza delivery when he's realized that dinner plans have not even entered my mind. He's also been the one to see what I've been learning and how good this has been for me.

It has been good!

But it has also not been a "quick write-up" each day. And this morning I had two hours... with no idea what I was going to write; no research done. I spent the next hour just trying to figure out what I could write about that wouldn't require more soul-searching and pouring over the Word than I had time for. I was down to an hour. And, yes, panicked. I took a break to take care of laundry... and now I am down to about 30 minutes. But... I'm getting somewhere... because the (obvious) fear suddenly smacks me upside the head....

My fear for Day Seventeen:

I am afraid of failure.

That's the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
(Ephesians 2:10)

I am God's workmanship!

Why is that important here – in a post on the fear of failure? Because we tend to equate experiencing failure with being a failure. If I don't meet the deadline on the blog, I believe people will look at me as a failure. You get laid off and have no idea how you're going to support your family – you feel like a failure. Your kid struggles with dyslexia and has trouble reading as easily as the other kids – he feels like a failure. You try and try and try to lose that last 10 pounds – and you feel like a failure. The list goes on. But hear this. You are NOT a failure. I am not a failure:

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
(Psalm 129:13-14)

I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

I am not a failure.

Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
(Psalm 139:14)

God's works are wonderful – and I am one of them!

I am not a failure.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
(Psalm 139:15)

I was skillfully wrought!

I am not a failure.

God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.
(Genesis 1:31)

God's creation is not a failure; we are very good.

It wasn't until after man was created that God called creation "very good." Up until then, it was just good. For me to call myself a failure is to question God's judgment (He called us very good). To call myself a failure is to in fact, call Him a failure. I can't say that I am a failure without saying my Creator failed. The only possible conclusion is that:

We are not failures.

However,

...as it is written, "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE.
(Romans 3:10)

...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
(Romans 3:23)

All of us have failed.

There isn't a single one of us who hasn't failed at some point. We all have sinned. But the thing I need to realize is that experiencing failure does not mean I AM a failure. In fact, God uses failure to grow us and make us more like Christ. We all fail. Hebrews 11 (known as the Hall of Faith) contains an impressive list of heroic figures from the Old Testament. They are remarkable men and women whose stories stand out to encourage and challenge our faith. Yet I can – off the top of my head – name failure in the lives of almost every one of them. They experienced failures including doubt, lying, cheating, sexual sins, murder, poor parenting (your son rapes your daughter and you do nothing?!), the list goes on. These men and women, like all of us, had moments of failure. Yet they were not failures. Instead, they were listed as heroes of our faith.

How can that be?

My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalms 73:26)

God is our strength, even when our flesh and hearts fail.

God told Joshua:

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
(Deuteronomy 31:6)

God will not fail us.

And just in case Joshua missed, it, God repeated Himself:

"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you;
He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed."
(Deuteronomy 31:8)

God goes before us (and will not fail).

David echoed those words to encourage his son:

Then David said to his son Solomon, "Be strong and courageous, and act;
do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you.
He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.
(1 Chronicles 28:20)

Don't fear – ACT! As long as we are about God's work, He will not fail or forsake us.

Did you catch that?! Nike may have thought they created a great ad slogan, but David said it long before Nike did: "Just do it! Don't fear - act! God is with you."

And circling back to Ephesians 2:10:

For we are God's masterpiece.
He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
(Ephesians 2:10, NLT)

I am not a failure – I am part of the plan!

He created me to do things He planned long ago. The things I put my hand to, He had planned out since the beginning of time. He prepared them for me. He created me for them. Everything I am – everything I do – is all part of the plan! That doesn't deny free will or my poor (rebellious) choices. But even my failures, God has a plan for.

And God's plans don't fail.

So... it's now a full two days from the time I first started writing this post. If you had told me at the beginning of the 31 Days of Writing challenge that I would be two days late with a post... well, it wouldn't have been a pleasant thought. Even two days ago I wasn't happy about it. I knew I was going to be late, but even at that I considered "adjusting" the publication date. I just couldn't let go of the idea that the day of the month should match the number of posts I'd written! The 17th fear should be on the 17th of the month. There was a little bit of OCD there. And there was probably also a little bit of the fact that any mismatch would point out my failure. I thought if I could get it posted early on the 18th, I could adjust the publication date and live with it. As it became obvious that it wasn't even going to be completed by the 18th, I started letting go of my OCD just enough to realize that I needed to post it with today's date. I needed to face the failure. There's a gap. And that's okay. I failed to make an arbitrary deadline created by man. I didn't get it completed enough to post. But I've been writing each day. I'm searching. I'm learning. I'm not a failure. And God's timing is perfect. He even used my failure to speak to me about my fear of failure. He's good like that. He's God like that.

Father God, it's so hard for me to put myself into a situation where I might fail. I hate the idea of looking like I've failed... of looking like a failure. I don't want to be judged like that. But in truth... it's me who is doing the judging. And in doing so, I am making a judgment about You, my Creator! Help me instead to really grasp the truth of just how wonderfully I am made and how very much You love me. Help me to remember that Your plans never fail... and I am a part of those plans. What I see as failure has been a part of Your plan all along. I am not a failure. I am part of the plan. What an amazing privilege! What an amazing God!

Fear: I am afraid of failure.

Truth:

• I am God's workmanship, skillfully wrought, and fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ephesians 2:10; Psalm 139:13-15)
• God's creation is not a failure; we are very good. (Genesis 1:31)
• All of us have failed, (Romans 3:10; 3:23) but God is our strength, even when our flesh and hearts fail. (Psalms 73:26)
• God goes before us and will not fail us. (Deuteronomy 31:6; 31:8)
• Don't fear – act! As long as we are about God's work, He will not fail or forsake us. (1 Chronicles 28:20)
• I am not a failure – I am part of the plan! (Ephesians 2:10)
• God's plans don't fail.

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Looking Foolish

I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King
Nothing, Lord, is hindering the passion in my soul
I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King
Nothing, Lord, is hindering the passion in my soul
And I'll become... even more undignified than this
Some would say it's foolishness
But I'll become... even more undignified than this
Leave my pride by the side
And I'll become... even more undignified than this
Some would say it's foolishness
But I'll become... even more undignified than this
(Matt Redman, Undignified)

This was one of the songs I used when I was putting together kids' worship in our church in Texas. We sang it in adult service, too, but I think the kids loved it even more. They at least had a little more freedom with it. It was fun to see their exuberance. I envied it to some extent. Oh could they dance! Body parts flying all over as they wriggled in excitement. No, they wouldn't have won any awards on Dancing with the Stars. But I think God was smiling on it all. I think He tipped back His head and laughed at the joy of HIs children.

When I thought of expressing that kind of freedom myself, though, it wasn't God's laughter I was thinking about. It was the laughter of anyone else that might be in the room. Oh I might occasionally do a little dance in the kitchen – with no one watching. But my body parts wouldn't look so cute wiggling and jiggling. And I was old enough I should've been able to dance better. I was old enough to... act like an adult.

Even as I type that, I hear Jesus praising the way children came to Him... imploring us to come to Him as they did. Ugh. So why do I feel like I have to act like an adult? Maybe because I don't really feel like a capable, mature, adult so I think I have to at least act like I am? Maybe. But there's something else, too.

My fear for Day Sixteen:

I am afraid of looking foolish.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves it can be humiliating to look foolish in front of my peers. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might....
(2 Samuel 6:14)

David put everything he had into his worship.

Here's the background: David has just brought the ark of God back into Jerusalem after a long absence. He is filled with joy at the fact that the ark – the presence of God Himself – has finally been returned to the Holy City (where it belongs). He couldn't contain his joy and his love of God and had been dancing in the street with the other men as he led the parade through the city. Michal, his wife (and Saul's daughter) saw him from her window and threw a fit:

But when David returned to bless his household, Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, "How the king of Israel distinguished himself today! He uncovered himself today in the eyes of his servants' maids as one of the foolish ones shamelessly uncovers himself!"
(2 Samuel 6:20)

Poor guy... he returns home full of joy and expects to share his victory and joy and bless his household. But his wife tears him apart before he even gets in the door (remember, she came out to meet him!). I've heard before that David was dancing in his underwear and I can see how that might be interpreted from Michal's scathing accusations. But if you look at the beginning of the scene above, you see he was in a linen ephod. An ephod is a lightweight, religious piece of clothing worn over a robe. He's not naked, not even close. A piece of religious clothing would have never been worn immodestly. He is dressed as any other worshipper was. And acting as all the other worshipers were. And that was Michal's problem – she couldn't stand that he took off his royal robes to put on a piece of common religious clothing and act as any worshipper. It is not his "nakedness" that bothers her – it's the fact that he wasn't acting as dignified as she believed a king should. It was that God came before throne. So David returned home, full of joy and exuberance, ready to celebrate with his wife and she ripped into him for the very thing which brought him so much joy.

David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord.
(2 Samuel 6:21)

David's worship was for the Lord, not for anyone else.

He's saying, "I wasn't dancing for you or anyone else. I was dancing for God. The God who chose me – not your dad – to rule over His people." I think in a way he's pointing out that God has blessed him and his choices. He may be more undignified than her dad, but:

God sees his love and devotion and is blessing him for it.

And... what's more...

I will become even more undignified than this
(2 Samuel 6:22)

David wasn't out for his wife's approval of his worship... or anyone but God's.

He's telling her, what God sees matters more to me than what you or anyone else thinks. That sounds so good and admirable... until it's my turn to do it. Until I'm standing watching the kids shout "I'll become... even more undignified than this! Some may say it's foolishness" and know in my heart how incredibly hard it would be to surrender to joy the way they do.

David was not doing anything inappropriate or out of context. I'm not encouraging becoming disruptive or inappropriate in a worship service. But... how hard is it sometimes to walk down to the altar to pray in front of everyone? How hard is it to raise your hand in front of everyone? Or... maybe you can do the one-hand thing, but two? Or maybe it's falling on your knees when you consider that the lyrics you are singing talk about that very thing. I'm not the only one who struggles with feeling like everyone else is watching, am I?

So how did David get to that point where he could honestly say that all he cared about was pleasing God, no matter how foolish it may look to others? How do I get there?

I die.

My pastor said something several months ago that stuck with me. He pointed out that when you are dead you don't care how you look. How often are we told in scripture to die to self?

"... Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."
(John 12:24)

Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
(Galatians 5:24)

... but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
(Romans 8:13-15)

I need to crucify my flesh and not live in slavery leading to fear.

In the words of my pastor:

"The more time I spend dying, the more bold I become.
When I'm dead, I don't care... I don't care how foolish I look."

Father God, I admit that I still care too much about what people around me might think. I want to be able to say, like David, that I don't care. But the truth is, I do. I hate the thought of looking foolish. So I've got some dying to do, Lord. It sounds painful. Death isn't easy. It's not something I really want. But I want that exuberance I see in David; the exuberance I saw in the children's faces as they echoed his words in song. So help me to want it badly enough to die enough that I, too, can say with honesty I will celebrate before the LORD, even when it might look foolish to the Michals of the world.

Fear: I am afraid of looking foolish.

Truth:

• David put everything he had into his worship. (2 Samuel 6:14)
• David's worship was for the Lord, not for anyone else. (2 Samuel 6:21)
• God sees his love and devotion and is blessing him for it. (2 Samuel 6:21)
• David wasn't out for his wife's approval of his worship... or anyone but God's. (2 Samuel 6:22)
• I need to crucify my flesh and not live in slavery leading to fear. (John 12:24; Galatians 5:24; Romans 8:13-15)
• "The more time I spend dying, the more bold I become. When I'm dead, I don't care... I don't care how foolish I look.

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Change

I was carrying out the small bin of recyclables from our kitchen a few days ago and noticed a paper on the top. It was a printout from one of my daughter's assignments for her English class. I don't normally go snooping through the recyclables, but this was on top and something about it caught my eye. So I stood beside the outside bin reading:

As we took our seats on our cold, brown, leather couches, pure excitement was painted on my parents' faces and soon spread to our faces, too. They started off by revealing that my dad would be able to work from home now and would spend more time at home. I thought this was the gift by itself, but my parents continued.

"This means we could move to Indiana and be closer to your grandparents and cousins," my mom let out with great enthusiasm.

Jessie, my older sister, shared that same enthusiasm and couldn't wait to pack up her bags to leave. Dani, my older sister, wanted to move, too, but knew she would have to spend her senior year in a new school. I, however, had no desire whatsoever to move across the country away from my friends and everything I had ever known; my parents would be moving back home, but I would be moving away from it.

Tears streamed down my face, my words too broken up by sobs to understand. Eventually I calmed down slightly. I was able to make audible words come out of my mouth to explain my tears. I didn't want to leave my friends. Or my home. Or the reminders of my childhood memories. I was heartbroken.....

My thoughts were all jumbled up. Arguments for staying and leaving were racing around, one after another. I locked myself in my newly redecorated bedroom and laid on my back on my bed until I could make a decision. To help sort out my thoughts, I created an imaginary balance and began weighing my options. I started placing coins in the corresponding plates. No guilt: into the Indiana plate – clink. Being with friends: Texas plate – clink. Being with family: Indiana – clink. Continue living in our home: Texas – clink. Seeing snow for more than just on vacation: Indiana – clink. Staying in my comfort zone: Texas – clink. My sisters being happy and endless new possibilities: Indiana – clink, clink. Although the Indiana plate was heavier, I still had my doubts. But I kept feeling a tug at my heart; God telling me to make a leap of faith, trust him, and move away from everything that had long been comfortable to me.

Decision day came. My parents took us out to eat at a local Tex-Mex restaurant. The aroma of fresh, warm tortilla chips filled the atmosphere as we took our seats and ordered our drinks. Other families were switching between eating and talking. Mine was silent. And I, personally, had no desire to change it. My parents, however, did.

My parents addressed the elephant in the room head on asking for my final decision. I sat silent, still undecided. The answer "no" kept repeating in my head but, for no other reason but God, the word "yes" came out.... So it was settled. Over the summer we would move and my life would completely change, as would my address and my school....

I cut parts of her writing for brevity's sake, but you get the idea. My daughter wasn't happy with the idea of change. As I stood there reading her story, tears gathered in my eyes. I understood it. When I was a junior or senior in high school my dad's job had looked pretty shaky and there had been talk of moving to Michigan. I remember my reaction. It wasn't good. Looking back at how much I hated my high school and the lack of connection I had to anyone there, it's kind of surprising. You would have thought I would've welcomed the chance to start over. From where I stood though, change wasn't good. It was uncomfortable. It was scary.

It still is. I put off finding a new doctor here in Indiana until I landed in the hospital. I put off getting a new dentist. I hate shopping for a new church. I even hate shopping for new jeans. The old ones are comfortable.

So my fear for Day Fifteen:

I am afraid of change.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. Change can be uncomfortable and hard. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
(Isaiah 43:18)

God calls us not to get stuck in the past.

Several times in the Old Testament God instructs the Israelites to build altars so they have something concrete to help them remember events that showed God's goodness and provision (e.g. after they had crossed on dry land through the Red Sea to escape the Egyptians). Here, though, He commands them not to call to mind former things, or ponder things of past. He doesn't want them so stuck in the past that they can't (or won't) move forward into the new things God has planned.

They had a history of that. After being led out of slavery in Egypt, they weren't happy with things in the desert. They grumbled that they should have just stayed in Egypt. (Exodus 17:3). It's easy for us to look at that and think they were a bunch of ungrateful jerks. I mean, they were slaves in Egypt! Who would want to go back to that? But when Joseph's family first went to Egypt, they were fleeing famine. God had provided for them through Egypt in the past. Things had changed for them in Egypt, and it wasn't good for them now. But when facing hunger and thirst on the way to a land full of milk and honey, they clung to that old memory. It was good to remember God's provision. But they were stuck in that past; afraid of the change they were being called to.

We need to remember the ways He has worked in our lives, but we can't get so stuck there (or so comfortable there) that we never go forward to the new things God has for us. The very next verse of that passage in Isaiah calls us to something new:

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.
(Isaiah 43:18-19)

God promises He will do something new.

He is a God of creation. From Genesis, to working in our lives even now, He is always doing something new. Always moving us forward; stretching and growing us to become more like Christ.

God asks us to be watching for the new thing.

"Will you not be aware of it?" In other words, will you pay attention? Will you stay in step with Me? In effect, He's saying "Watch for it!"

God promises to make a way.

"I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." We tend to worry about the details or obstacles, but God sees our fear and worry before we even voice it and says "Don't worry about it. I'll prepare the way."

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
(Jeremiah 29:11).

God's plans for us are for good and not evil; to give us a hope and a future.

O LORD, You are my God;
I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name;
For You have worked wonders,
Plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.
(Isaiah 25:1)

God's plans were formed long ago with perfect faithfulness.

Whatever change we are facing isn't something that God has thought up on the spur of the moment. His plans have been in place since the beginning. And they are good!

Going back to my daughter's paper, she continued:

Now I, a senior in high school, reflect on the change of these last four and a half years, while standing in the water in front of my grandparents' lake house, and know that my worries were unwarranted, my doubts foolish, and my life in God's hands. There are so many blessings that I would not have been able to receive had I lived in Texas and I am grateful for every single one of them. New friends made through Bible quizzing, marching band, common classes, youth group, or chance meetings. New opportunities like being drum major, top quizzer, and mission trips. And new memories such as bus rides, band camps, state and national competitions, lock-ins, lock-outs, late nights, early mornings, wet grass, muddy feet, frozen keys, sore fingers, ice cream mountains, dead squirrels, movie marathons, extreme slip-and-slides, apples-to-apples, newborn cries, campfire worship, inside jokes, holding hands, comfort zones, guardian angels, cathedrals, alchemists, and so many more. All of them were impossible to be made without first having a change. Each of them a blessing and for them I am immensely grateful.

Minnows tickling my feet and wet sand between my toes, I stand and gaze across an orange and blue colored sky, reflected on the glassy waters of a lake, sprinkled with the first few twinkling stars of the approaching twilight, and I feel peace. More than that – I feel God's presence. I look back on my past and see His footprints in everything since that family meeting and even before. In all the new friends, opportunities, and memories, He was there giving my life more meaning than ever possible without Him. There was a right choice. And I, through God's guidance, had made it.

All I can say to that is:

Sing to the LORD a new song, Sing His praise from the end of the earth!
(Isaiah 42:10)

So let's sing a new song!

Father, sometimes change is scary. I look at what's in my hand and I like it. I look where I'm at and I'm happy. But help me to always remember that You call me to a future that You hold. You call me to a future You have planned and had mapped out since the beginning of time. Help me to watch with excitement for the new thing You are doing instead of dragging my feet looking at what I'm leaving.
I want to sing Your praise from the end of the earth.
I want to sing a new song!

Fear: I am afraid of change.

Truth:

• God calls us not to get stuck in the past. (Isaiah 43:18)
• God promises He will do something new. (Isaiah 43:19)
• God asks us to be watching for the new thing. (Isaiah 43:19)
• God promises to make a way. (Isaiah 43:19)
• God's plans for us are for good and not evil; to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).
• God's plans were formed long ago with perfect faithfulness. (Isaiah 25:1)
• So sing a new song! (Isaiah 42:10)

Note: My daughter did give permission for me to use her story. Typos are probably mine and I did edit some for brevity.

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - King Cobra

I was a tomboy. I put worms on fishing hooks (after digging them out of the wet dirt behind the cemetery) and cleaned the fish I caught. I played with crawfish. Anything a boy could do.... Except I didn't really like snakes. I hid the slight fear I had and was still able to handle the small garter and racer snakes (getting bit at least once, which didn't do much for the fear). Couldn't show fear in front of the guys, though, after all!

I remember the day my girlfriend and I saw a snake we suspected might be venomous. We weren't close enough to see for sure, but it was lying on a drainage tile we could see from where we were standing on the bridge above. We thought it was dead. So we did the only logical thing two young girls could think of. We threw rocks toward the snake to make sure. It was well away from the bridge we were standing on and we were feeling pretty confident. Dumb idea. You knew that, right? When it suddenly moved, we jumped on our bikes and peddled for all we were worth for a very long time. That snake had been a LONG way from us but there was no way were we sticking around to see how far or how fast a ticked off, potentially venomous snake could move. In reality, it couldn't have known where that rock came from, let alone have been able to get to us. If anyone had seen us, though, they would have had a good laugh at our hasty retreat.

But the snake that really scared me... was the king cobra. I didn't know what it was that made me shudder with fear, but it terrified me. It didn't help that it was our elementary school mascot – painted right there (in purple!) on our gym floor. I even shuddered at the cartoonish figure every gym class. They've since changed it to an eagle to match the high school. Good idea.

So my fear for Day Fourteen:

I am afraid of the king cobra.

Okay. Did you really think I was gonna go there? With Biblical truth? (Yes, I'm grinning). Okay, so it's a little bit of a bait and switch, but in reality I felt differently about king cobras than other snakes. It wasn't about the lethal venom. There was something about the hood – not even really the dangerous part – that terrified me. I don't know how or why, but somehow I attached a sense of evil to that outstretched hood. That's what really invoked the deep sense of fear – evil.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. There's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
(Psalms 23:4)

We don't need to fear evil, because God is with us.

We tend to think of the rod and staff as one and the same, but in fact they are very different and serve different purposes. The rod was a club: a thick, heavy stick used for beating predators. It was slung over the shepherd's side. The staff was a long, straight pole carried in his hand and used for support, climbing, guiding, and helping the sheep in various ways. The rod and the staff together symbolize the power and affection of the shepherd.

Here's something I found interesting, though: The shepherd would go before the flock and beat the grass and bushes with his staff. Why? To scare out snakes lurking in the paths. The snakes would usually just slither away. Sometimes, though, a particularly bold snake might show a tendency towards fight rather than flight. The shepherd would then strike the snake with his club (rod), taking care to crush its head. A snake whose head is not crushed can still deliver a fatal blow to the sheep.

The first thing I found interesting about this is that it tied into the cobra/snake lead in. And I did not plan it that way! But the second thing I found interesting is that it reminded me of this scripture (which I was originally not going to use). This is God talking to the serpent (satan), giving the curse after the fall:

And I will put enmity
Between you and the woman,
And between your seed and her seed;
He shall bruise you on the head,
And you shall bruise him on the heel.
(Genesis 3:15)

The seed of the woman actually refers to Christ in this passage. Christ is prophesied to deliver the killing blow to satan – crushing his head. The same thing a shepherd would have used his rod for.

The power of God's rod and the care of His staff comfort us.

`Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You (for Your name is in this house) and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us.'
(2 Chronicles 20:9)

No matter what the evil, God will hear our cry and deliver us.

And for added measure:

No evil will befall you,
Nor will any plague come near your tent .
For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
They will bear you up in their hands,
That you do not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you will trample down.
(Psalms 91:10-13)

Okay. I admit it. I about fell over when I saw the reference to the cobra. By name. I honestly didn't know it was in there when I started preparing for this post. I was researching evil, not cobras! But sometimes you just have to smile at where God leads you.

It's also interesting that the beginning of this passage (vs 11-12) is actually quoted by satan when he tempted Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus refused to deliberately put Himself in a dangerous situation to test God (as should we).

Jesus, on the other hand, referred to the last part of the passage (vs 13) when He sent His disciples out on a preaching mission:

Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.
(Luke 10:19)

I get so excited when I see God tie things together like that! So cool!

I'd like to backtrack for just a moment, though, to reiterate that just because we've been given protection and authority doesn't mean we should intentionally put ourselves at risk. (Snake charmers need not apply!). Jesus demonstrated this when satan was tempting Him. He refused to do it.

I think back to my opening story and have to say that it was pretty stupid of my friend and I to engage that snake. It wasn't as stupid as it could have been because we really were a safe distance away. But... yeah... not the smartest decision either one of us has ever made. And we very quickly realized it!

But as I was thinking about that story this afternoon... and thinking about the direction I wanted to go with the cobra representing the topic of evil, I had another memory come to mind. Another time I engaged that I shouldn't have. I never saw the parallels before.... but I had nearly the same experience with true evil as I did with that snake. I've told this story to only a very select few. It could easily get me labeled as radical or just a child with an over-active imagination. But I swear to you it really happened.

I was probably 8-12 years old when I woke in the middle of the night and sensed something dark at the foot of my bed. It was almost shadow-like, but with a dark that went beyond shadow. Evil. I wasn't scared of the dark of my own room, but something struck fear in me that night. I tried to convince myself I was imagining things. So... much like throwing a rock at that snake that I thought was dead... I threw one out that night, too. I remember the words, "If you're real, then show yourself!" I honestly thought nothing would happen and I'd be able to go back to sleep knowing it was just my imagination. But something did happen. The very second I made the challenge, the light above my bed flashed like a bolt of lightning. And just like when I threw that rock, I knew instantly that I'd just engaged (and enraged) something I had no business engaging. And just like when I ran for the safety of my bike, I ran for the safety of my God. I don't know that I've ever had a prayer on my lips quite so quickly or as desperately as that night. But at my cry to God, I felt the presence leave. I was protected. I was safe. I fell asleep still praying.

The next morning I questioned whether I had imagined the entire thing... until I got out of bed and tried to turn on the light... and it didn't turn on. It didn't "blow" when I flipped the switch that morning. It had blown in the middle of the night – while the switch was turned off. And at the exact moment I'd issued the challenge. Scary? Yes. But at the same time, I think comforting. My God was bigger.

All that to say: I do believe our God is bigger. I do believe He will protect us from evil. But just because we have protection and authority, doesn't mean we should attempt to engage anything on our own. Paul gives us some instruction on that:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints....
(Eph 6:10-18)

We are to put on the armor of God so we will be able to resist evil.

Father God, thank you so much for Your assurances that we are under Your protection. Thank You for Your rod of protection and Your staff of care. Thank You for flushing out evil and crushing its head. Thank You for rescuing us... more times than we can even imagine. You are all powerful, all knowing, Alpha and Omega. And You are with us!

Fear: I am afraid of the king cobra evil.

Truth:

• We don't need to fear evil, because God is with us. (Psalms 23:4)
• The power of God's rod and the care of His staff comfort us. (Psalms 23:4)
• No matter what the evil, God will hear our cry and deliver us. (2 Chronicles 20:9)
• No evil will befall you... You will tread upon the lion and cobra.... (Psalms 91:10-13)
• Jesus has given us authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy... (Luke 10:19)
• We are to put on the armor of God so we will be able to resist evil. (Eph 6:10-18)

By the way, I read today that a king cobra can reach up to 18 feet. And it can stand straight up with nearly 1/3 of its length. So an 18 foot cobra could rise 6 feet to literally look you in the eyes. Maybe some fear is actually good.... Just sayin'!

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).