31Days - Loving First

Little girls whispering among themselves, "Do you think he likes me?"

Notes passed in class with childish writing scrawled inside, "Do you like me? Circle yes or no"

A nudge from one friend to another, begging her to ask the object of her affection if he might like her too.

We didn't want to let on that we might like him if he didn't like us back. It was too risky. We wanted to know before we expressed our hearts that it wasn't one-sided.

We don't pass notes anymore. But I think the fear still lingers in all of us. It feels dangerous to be the one to make that first move.

I made the first move once. This actually takes a bit to admit... but... a little-girl crush, complete with little-girl flirting, is what gave my abuser what he needed to make his move. I adored him. And he knew it. And the knowing gave him an advantage. I'd hung around him the way a little girl will, making a pest of myself anytime he was around. Don't get me wrong, as an adult I know that his actions were his alone. I was just being a little girl with a little girl crush. But as a child what I knew was that he took advantage of that adoration. He didn't care about me. He cared about himself. And if I hadn't projected my crush....

Like I said, I know better now. At least in my head. But it's still extremely difficult for me to be the first to admit desire for relationship. It affects my marriage as well as other relationships – I have a hard time even just admitting a desire for friendship! It's hard not to feel that it's a weakness; that I won't somehow end up being hurt.

So my fear for Day Four:

I am afraid of being the first to admit desire for a relationship.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves it can be dangerous. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

We love, because He first loved us.
(1 John 4:19)

God loved us first!

Not only that, but He didn't pass cute little notes that danced around the issue. He took the initiative without testing the waters first. Actually, He knew what our reaction would be. We would reject Him. We would hurt Him – physically as well as emotionally. Yet, what He sent was much bigger than a note dancing around the issue:

But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.
(Romans 5:8)

He not only loved us first, He demonstrated it and sacrificed for it.

But it didn't end there, either:

A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another,
even as I have loved you, that you also love one another.
(John 13:34)

He called us to love as He loved.

As He loved... You know, I knew God has called us to an unselfish love – one that looks to the interests of others above our own. But I have to admit that until I began writing this for today, I had never put these two verses together. He loved us first. Then He called us to love as He loved. As He loved. No silly little notes dancing around the issue, testing the waters. Whole-hearted love. Even knowing that we might will be rejected.

And just in case we missed it the first time, He said it again:

“This is My commandment, that you love one another, just as I have loved you....
You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.
This I command you, that you love one another.
(John 15:12 & 16-17)

We didn't choose Him, but He chose us and called us to that same love.

You know... there's just not a whole lot I can add to that. He pretty much said it all!

Father God, thank You for loving me first. It's so hard for me to love as You love. I want to hold back and make sure it's "safe" first. But that's not the kind of love You've called me to. It's not the kind of love You've shown. Help me to remember how You have loved. You moved first. You love with Your whole heart. You hold nothing held back. You gave it all even in the face of certain rejection. Oh, Father, help me to remember that You have called me to that same love. Give me courage and strength to follow Your example. I love You, Daddy... because You first loved me.

Fear: I am afraid of being the first to admit desire for a relationship.

Truth:

• God loved us first! (1 John 4:19)
• He not only loved us first, He demonstrated it and sacrificed for it. (Romans 5:8)
• He called us to love as He loved. (John 13:14; John 15:12 & 16-17)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).