31Days - Saying the Wrong Thing

This afternoon I listened to a speaker talk about the importance of story; the importance of listening to story; the importance of inviting story and giving it space. His illustration used a woman visiting with a 92 year old woman in a nursing home. The woman noticed the older woman's German accent and asked how she'd come to America. The older woman avoided talking about it at first, showing signs of shame. The younger woman didn't press, but instead talked about her own story for awhile – just being there with the older woman. After a bit, the older woman came back to the question and answered that she first came to the U.S.A. when she was 13 – on the Lusitania. She had been coming to play her first concert as a skilled violinist. She then admitted that she'd never played again after that trip. At this point in the story, the speaker stopped and noted that the visiting woman then honored the older woman's story by not asking the obvious question of "why?" She didn't want to bring more shame by pressing in. Instead, she simply said "Whatever it was that caused you to stop playing must have involved something very, very significant and hard. And I don't know you well enough to ask you any more questions. But I wonder if you would allow me sometime in the next few days or week to stop by and visit with you again."

In that moment, I knew I would have blown it. I would have asked the why.

And I remembered my list. And I realized how satan can so easily prevent me from being used because I just don't know what to say... so I don't "go." I have a really hard time knowing how to approach and help – especially when someone is going through painful circumstances and it immobilizes me.

So my fear for Day Nine:

I am afraid of saying the wrong thing.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves I can stick my foot in my mouth quite well. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Some of the other 31 Days of Fear (and Truth) entries come to mind:

• Day 1 with God telling Moses that He would teach him what to say.
• Day 2 with God telling us to put others' interests above our own and promising He loves us so we shouldn't worry about it.

But I want to take a minute and look at something else:

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite; and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him. When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.
(Job 2:11-13)

You may remember the story. Job had been stripped of pretty much everything that mattered to him. God had allowed satan to take Job's wealth, his health, and even his children – leaving him with a wife that begged him to curse God and die. We tend to remember that the three friends actually caused him some grief, too. In trying to figure out what was going on and help fix things for him, they started asking what sin he had committed to land him in this mess. Yeah, okay, they messed up a bit there. Been there. Done that. I recently told one of my daughters that I was sorry because I'd realized that in the past my desire to help fix things had actually come out as criticism (much like Job's friends now that I think about it). Anyway, Job's friends actually didn't start out so bad:

When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky.

They wept with him and they mourned with him. Not a bad start!

It kind of reminds me of this verse:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15)

What was absolutely spectacular about the response of Job's friends, though, was the next part of the story:

Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.

They didn't speak a word! Not one word. For seven days and nights, not a word. They just sat with him. They grasped something that is so difficult for me:

Sometimes we say more with our silence, our presence, and our tears than with our words.

It's the same thing the speaker I was listening to earlier was getting at: Listen to stories. Be there. In his message he related that the older woman eventually volunteered her source of shame. Her music instructor had violated the trust that her parents had given him. He violated her. And in that moment, she lost the music. But with the younger woman listening to her story, allowing her to tell it for the first time, she felt heard and valued. She was eventually led to Christ. And the cool thing? She heard the music again.

People are dying to tell their stories. But they need someone they can trust to handle their heartache. They need someone to listen with compassion..

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
(James 1:19)

Frequently we spend more time on the on the "slow to become angry." I think, though, there's a lot of wisdom in the first part of the verse as well.

... be quick to listen, slow to speak...

In other words, "Quit worrying about having the right thing to say, Jenn... just be there. Listen." Huh.

When I had that discussion with my daughter recently, it was because she'd suddenly stopped in mid-story, and said "You're not saying much." I took the opportunity to admit that I was trying to do a better job of listening, because I'd realized that in the past I've shut her down unintentionally. In the past, I'd wanted to fix the problem but I had come to realize that I'd actually made her feel worse (again, kind of like Job's friends). I wanted to just sit with her in her story; to let her be able to talk; to listen more and speak less. She nodded her head and smiled. Maybe Mom can be taught... eventually.

Father God, I worry so much about not having the right words to say and I let it keep me from being present in others' lives. Help me to remember that I don't need to have the right words. You told Moses you'd teach him what to speak. And you told us not to worry about ourselves when we put others first – that You loved us and had our backs. And you gave us an example in Job's friends. Sit with others in their story. No words needed. Help me remember that I don't need to have the right words. I just need to be there. I need to listen. Everyone needs to be heard, Father. Help me to listen well.

Fear: I am afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Truth:

• Sometimes we say more with our silence, our presence, and our tears than with our words. (Job 2:11-13; Romans 12:15)
• Be quick to listen, slow to speak. (James 1:19)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).