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Thursday, October 29, 2015

31Days: God Not Speaking


I remember my confusion and my fear. I remember my deception. I was at church camp. I was at church camp... and I was lying through my teeth. Yes, at church camp. But... I was a good girl. I almost always did what was expected. And I knew what was expected. So I lied. Seem a bit backwards? Yeah... maybe I'd better back up a bit.

Several kids that week had started to feel sick and the adults did something I'd never encountered before – they began anointing those who weren't feeling well and praying over them. I understood prayer, but I'd never seen anointing done before. One by one, those kids began feeling better. I eventually started feeling a little sick, too, and they anointed and prayed over me. A little while later one of the counselors asked if I was feeling any better. And... that's when I lied.

See, I knew what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to feel better. But I didn't. Not really. So was I supposed to admit that it didn't work? That I didn't have enough faith to be healed? That there was something wrong with me that God wouldn't heal me like He did the other kids? Nope. I sucked it up... and I lied. I wasn't feeling incredibly sick, so I was able to pull it off. "Yup, God healed me – everything is A-okay here!" But inside I knew... I knew that somehow I didn't measure up. Maybe I didn't have enough faith to be healed. Maybe I just wasn't close enough to God. Maybe I just wasn't worthy. Whatever it was, there was something in me that prevented me from receiving the same healing the other kids had. Looking back now, I wonder how many of them faked it too. Were we, even as children, already so adept at living the stained glass masquerade?

Well... I want to shatter the glass. I want to put my fist right through it. So let me just state it bluntly and honestly. That day I was afraid I wouldn't be healed. But today there's a similar fear that runs through me.

My fear for Day Twenty-Five:

I am afraid of not hearing God's voice.

Actually, there's really two parts to that: (1) God not speaking; and (2) me not hearing. And as I started writing, I discovered that what I had planned for one day is actually going to require two. So for the first part:

I am afraid God won't speak to me.

There is still that little girl in me who deep down is afraid there is some deficiency in me which will keep God from speaking to me... just like I believed it was a deficiency in me that kept me from healing. If He doesn't speak to me, it's my fault... and people will know I'm a fraud; that I'm not doing something right; that I don't measure up.

That's painful to admit... even to myself, even this far away from those events. So it's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

First, I have to go back to Day 3: I am afraid of not being good enough; not being chosen.

“But you, Jenn, My servant,
Jenn whom I have chosen,
Descendant of Abraham My friend,
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth,
And called from its remotest parts
And said to you, ‘You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not rejected you."
(Isaiah 41:8-9)

I have called you by name; you are Mine!
(Isaiah 43:1)


God has not rejected me, but chosen me as His.

I covered this in more detail on Day 3, so you may want to read that if you haven't. And even though I wrote about it, I still have to step back and really internalize it. I have to believe it with everything I am. God looked at me and with an exclamation point called out "I have called you by name, Jenn; you are Mine!" I. Am. His.

And Jesus tells us:

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;
(John 10:27)


Jesus promises us we will hear His voice.

That's it. It's that simple. That's the Truth. God has chosen me as His; and His sheep hear His voice.

So why do I sometimes feel like I'm holding a one-sided conversation? I think I'm in good company, because David had those same questions:

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning.
O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer;
And by night, but I have no rest.
(Psalms 22:1-2)


Even David had times where he experienced God's silence.

And yet, we know that David was "a man after God's own heart." So why would God be silent? I think sometimes it's designed to stretch and grow our faith. Sometimes it's to make us seek harder and drive us into His arms (absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes?). Most of the time, though, we're probably not going to have a clue. His ways are not ours. His thoughts are higher (Isaiah 55:8). So I think I have to concentrate less on the "why" and more on trusting; believing that what He says is true – despite my own feelings and experiences.

We don't know the reasons for the silences in David's life any more than we know the reasons for the silence in ours. What we do know is what David wrote:

In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.
(Psalms 86:7)


David trusted God to answer – even having experienced God's silence.

David knew that God wouldn't really forsake him – even if it felt that way.

God wants us to hear Him. He wants us to seek Him. And He promises to honor it if we do:

"But from there you will seek the LORD your God,
and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.
(Deuteronomy 4:29)

`You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
(Jeremiah 29:13)


God promised that if we seek with all our heart, we will find Him.

I know that. I have known that. Here's where I really start to get excited, though:

and he went out to meet Asa and said to him, "Listen to me, Asa, and all Judah and Benjamin: the LORD is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him...."
(2 Chronicles 15:2)


God will let us find Him!

Did you catch that? He doesn't just say that if we seek Him we will find Him. He tells us He will let us find Him! Why do I find that exciting? Yes, I'm grinning now. I'm practically jumping up and down.

Did you ever play "chase" with your daddy when you were little? As adults we can look back and know that there was no way we could have ever caught him. He could have spun and dodged out of our reach until we fell down and wailed in frustrated tears. Most dads don't do that. Most dads know just how far to push it and right before the point of despair he turns and lets his child catch him. The child laughs and giggles at her accomplishment – she caught her daddy! Do you see it? That daddy isn't being mean to his daughter, he's playing with her and she giggles with the pure joy of the win. That's God! He wants us to chase Him. And He wants us to win! He wants to hear the giggle of our delight at catching Him. Our Daddy darts and dodges in play as we chase after Him. There's no way we could catch Him on our own. But at just the right moment, He turns and scoops us into His arms, laughing in pure joy at our desire for Him. I love this quote by A.W. Tozer: "All the time we are pursuing Him we are already in His hand." So let yourself imagine:

Chasing after Daddy
with a hope that will not die
Little legs too short to win
But a heart that has to try
Daddy dances just out of reach
Little legs still running after
One last final spin
And Daddy's voice rings out with laughter

chorus:
And Daddy catches me
As I'm chasing after him
And I somehow win the race
A little child can never win
Daddy's arms enfold me
He lifts me high above
Laughter shakes the both of us
I'm caught... by Daddy's love

v2:
Chasing after God now
with a hope that will not die
Little legs too short to win
But a heart that has to try
Glory dances just out of reach
Little legs still running after
One last final spin
And Daddy's voice rings out with laughter
(Repeat chorus)

bridge:
Just when we would fall
And give in to despair
He will turn and catch us
And swing us in the air
Pursuer is pursued
Already in His grasp
Captured by His love
Enraptured by His laugh

chorus:
And Daddy catches me
As I'm chasing after Him
And I somehow win the race
A little child can never win
Daddy's arms enfold me
He lifts me high above
Laughter shakes the both of us
I'm caught... by Daddy's love
"Caught by Daddy's Love" ©2000, J.Dietz

That's our Daddy! Isn't it absolutely amazing to think of Him playing and laughing with us that way? Does it change your whole perspective of the chase to realize He wants to let us win? He wants to let us find Him? It did for me!

But... sigh... to be honest... I'd forgotten. I'd written those verses 15 years ago. And until I read that verse in 2nd Chronicles – actually until I was almost done writing about it this morning – I'd forgotten. Entirely forgotten. I don't know how I forgot something so completely amazing as that picture of my Father. Kids. Life. Disappointments. I don't know. But I forgot.

And that... that makes me glad for the rest of the passage. Picking up at the end of verse 2:

"And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you. For many days Israel was without the true God and without a teaching priest and without law. But in their distress they turned to the LORD God of Israel, and they sought Him, and He let them find Him."
(2 Chronicles 15:2-4)

Yes, He tells us if we forsake Him, He will forsake us. But that's not the end of it...

Even after we forsake Him, He will let us find Him – if we just seek Him again!

How amazing is that?!

Abba, Daddy... I don't know what to say. How could I have forgotten that beautiful, amazing picture of You playing and laughing with me? How could I have forgotten that seeking You isn't simply a command, but a delightfully, wonderful playtime with You? Oh, Daddy... thank You for the reminder. Thank You for speaking. Thank You for Your assurances and promises that You will speak. Thank You for always turning and showing Yourself right when I need it. Thank you... for being such a good, good Father!

Fear: I am afraid God won't speak to me.

Truth:

  • God has not rejected me, but chosen me as His. (Isaiah 41:8-9; Isaiah 43:1)
  • Jesus promises us we will hear His voice. (John 10:27)
  • Even David had times where he experienced God's silence. (Psalms 22:1-2)
  • David trusted God to answer – even having experienced God's silence. (Psalms 86:7)
  • God promised that if we seek with all our heart, we will find Him. (Deuteronomy 4:29; Jeremiah 29:13)
  • God will let us find Him – in an amazingly playful game of chase! (2 Chronicles 15:2)
  • Even after we forsake Him, He will let us find Him if we seek Him again! (2 Chronicles 15:2-4)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

31Days - Not in Control


I love my car. It's not much to look at – a rather plain gray and nothing flashy. But I love how it handles. I loved driving the mountains of West Virginia last week. I loved the views and the curves, the open road. Behind the wheel of a responsive car, I feel in control not only of the car, but also the radio and my destination. I should probably admit, too, that I NEVER use cruise control. I'm not giving up my control to a piece of machinery (and it even drives me nuts when my husband does!).

I guess I've already admitted that I control my emotions (see Day 19: I am afraid of revealing my emotions).

I also don't delegate well. In part because I don't like asking for help (oh... Day 10: I am afraid of looking weak). I have a distorted view of my responsibilities and think everything is mine to do. But delegating also means giving up control. It might not be done the way I want it to be done. Ummm... yeah. What on earth makes me think that having a dirty bathroom is better than a "mostly" clean one? Just because I don't have time to do it and someone else might forget that dust accumulates in weird (and in my bathroom, hard-to-reach) places? Really?!

Before I had kids, I thought I would be in control of them, too. Huh. They have their own little minds and their own ideas about how things should work. Go figure! I sometimes still try for control, though. I'm not proud of that. I'd rather see myself as guiding. But if I'm honest, I have to admit that I can manipulate circumstances with the best of them to try to get "my" desired outcome.

Oh, shoot. I guess I have to admit that I did that just the other night with my husband, too. I was right in what I wanted (to let him grab a bit of sleep while I went and picked up our daughter at 4am). But I was entirely wrong in the way I used circumstances to get it. I was afraid that despite being right, I might not be able to succeed in getting him to see my logic. So I wrested control in a pretty underhanded way – I left the house while he was ummm.... otherwise occupied. Bad Jenn. I later hung my head and apologized. I'm not proud of that (the wresting control, I mean – not the apology!)

And while I'm at it... I'm rather frustrated with Facebook now, too. The whole lack of control over what shows up in the feed drives me crazy.

So my fear for Day Twenty-Four:

I am afraid of not being in control.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. The little girl I once was wasn't in control – my abuser was. The sense of powerlessness he left me with wasn't even due to strength. Circumstances and knowledge put him in control. So history – my history – proves that not being in control can be dangerous. Other people can't be trusted to have my best interests at heart. There's some truth in that fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

"Have you ever in your life commanded the morning,
And caused the dawn to know its place...?

"Can you bind the chains of the Pleiades,
Or loose the cords of Orion?
"Can you lead forth a constellation in its season,
And guide the Bear with her satellites ?
"Can you lift up your voice to the clouds,
So that an abundance of water will cover you?
"Can you send forth lightnings that they may go
And say to you, 'Here we are'?"
(Job 38:12; 32-35)

Ummm... I know I've read this before, but it's hitting me right between the eyes today as I hear God saying it. This time I'm not hearing Him say it to Job, but to me: Have I ever in my life commanded the morning? Ummm... No. Can I guide the constellations, call down rain, or throw out lightning? Ummm... No.

I am not in control.

Who has ascended into heaven and descended?
Who has gathered the wind in His fists?
Who has wrapped the waters in His garment?
Who has established all the ends of the earth?
What is His name or His son's name?
Surely you know!
(Proverbs 30:4)


God is in control of heaven, earth, wind, and water!

Just as a side note... Did you notice the writer of Proverbs mentions God's son as part of creation – long before He came to earth as a baby and became known to us?! Sorry, not really the point, but I just thought it was cool. So, getting back to the point:

The One forming light and creating darkness,
Causing well-being and creating calamity;
I am the LORD who does all these.
(Isaiah 45:7)


God is in control of light and dark, goodness and disaster.

What is really amazing is to go back to the beginning of the chapter and see what's happening there:

Thus says the Lord to Cyrus His anointed,
Whom I have taken by the right hand,
To subdue nations before him
And to loose the loins of kings;
To open doors before him so that gates will not be shut:
"I will go before you and make the rough places smooth;
I will shatter the doors of bronze and cut through their iron bars.
"I will give you the treasures of darkness
And hidden wealth of secret places,
So that you may know that it is I,
The Lord, the God of Israel, who calls you by your name.
(Isaiah 45:1-3)


God is in control of the future.

God is announcing – by name (Cyrus) – the deliverer for His people from a coming captivity, and He does it 200 years before the man is ever born! And Cyrus doesn't even know God! Doesn't that just blow you away? It does me! But it gets even better.

See that section that talks about opening doors so the gates will not be shut? Armies under Cyrus conquered the city of Babylon in a raid described in Daniel 5. And according to an ancient historian (Herodotus) Cyrus conquered the city by diverting the river so they could march through the water and under the river-gates. They walked away with all the staggering treasures of the city. But they wouldn't have been able to enter if the bronze gates of the inner walls hadn't been inexplicably unlocked. Do you see it? God had it all under control! He opened the gates for Cyrus and put all of it in writing 200 years before it even happened! Isn't that just amazing?! Why did He do that? So Cyrus (who had not known God) would know it was the God of Israel who was in control – not Cyrus and his prowess.

God then tells us later in Isaiah:

"Remember this, and be assured;
Recall it to mind, you transgressors.
"Remember the former things long past,
For I am God, and there is no other;
I am God, and there is no one like Me,
Declaring the end from the beginning,
And from ancient times things which have not been done,
Saying, `My purpose will be established,
And I will accomplish all My good pleasure.'"
(Isaiah 46:8-10)

God reminds us that He is in control. He knows the end of everything. He was there at the beginning of everything. And He knows it not just because He was watching, but because He was directing. Look at that last verse... "My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure."

God does what He wants and accomplishes what He sets out to do!

He's in control. But look again at how God starts those verses: He tells us to remember. Why? Because He wants to assure us. He wants us to find comfort and courage in it. He knows the end from the beginning and is in control of it all. We can "be strong and courageous" when we understand and remember that. I was actually going to give a reference for "be strong and courageous," but a quick search on the NASB version showed that those words actually appear together in SIXTEEN different verses! I'm thinking that God really wants us to take that to heart!

God wants us to have confidence and courage in His control!

Lord, forgive me. Forgive me for those times when I think I've got to have it all under control. Forgive me for thinking for one second that I can have even a semblance of control. Forgive me for not trusting Your control, because that's at the root of it. I think I need to handle it. And I am so, so wrong. So forgive me... and help me to trust. Help me to come with open hands, surrendering control to the Daddy who loves me.

Fear: I am afraid of not being in control.

Truth:

  • I am not in control. (Job 38:12; 32-35)
  • God is in control of heaven, earth, wind, and water! (Proverbs 30:4)
  • God is in control of light and dark, goodness and disaster. (Isaiah 45:7)
  • God is in control of the future. (Isaiah 45:1-3)
  • God does what He wants and accomplishes what He sets out to do! (Isaiah 46:8-10)
  • God wants us to have confidence and courage in His control. (Isaiah 46:8-10)


-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Unknown


We tend to eat out after church on Sundays. My husband used to start the car and just head out. He doesn't do that as much anymore. He's figured out how crazy it drives me. Why? Because I want to know where we're going before we turn the car out of the drive. He has no clue where we're going; no decisions have been made yet; the family is still in discussion, but... he's GOING! And I'm thinking (maybe slightly outloud) "But what if you're going in the wrong direction?!"

Yes, I'm one of those who pulls up Google maps before going anywhere. Not only that, but I've even been known to pull up the satellite view to see what the surrounding area looks like. I mean, where's the entrance to the parking lot going to be?

And I really wish Yelp would include just a little more information in restaurant reviews. I'd love it if they said, "You'll feel entirely comfortable in your running shoes and t-shirt here" or... "Jeans and a nice shirt works well" or "Some nicer pants and shirt would be better" or "Hey, Jenn... forget it... you're just not going to be comfortable here."

I want to know – before I get there – what I'm getting into!

As I look at my brainstorming list of fears I notice... there are three different fears that are basically one and the same: Not knowing where I'm going; Unfamiliar situations; and The unknown.

So my fear for Day Twenty-three:

I am afraid of the unknown.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. Not knowing where you are going can land you into some trouble. I remember ending up in a not-so-nice area of St. Louis at night back before cell phones, Google, and Garmin. And I've felt extremely uncomfortable finding myself in a dressier restaurant in my sweatshirt. Oops. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go forth from your country,
And from your relatives
And from your father's house,
To the land which I will show you;
(Genesis 12:1)


Sometimes God calls us to leave the familiar to go to the unknown.

God is asking Abram to leave the familiar, the place he knows. I've already talked about leaving the familiar in Day 15– I am afraid of change, so I think I'll keep it pretty short here. If you haven't read Day 4, you might want to, though.

Sometimes God calls us without telling us exactly where.

"A land which I will show you" doesn't really give Abram a lot of information. I can imagine what it would have been like if I were Sarai... as my husband starts the car and heads out of the parking lot before the restaurant is decided. Abram doesn't know where he's going. He's just going. I want to know where first! But Abram just puts it in drive and goes. He's willing to leave the place he's grown up, everything familiar, even his family to strike out on his own to the unknown. But he knows God knows. And he knows he's not really alone. He knows...

God goes with us into the unknown.

God told him, "A land I will show you." Abram knows God's going with him. If someone tells me they are going to show me, I understand that they are going with me. Actually, I will assume I am to follow – that they are going before me, even. God promises His people several times that He will go before them. Abram knew he wasn't going alone.

I will lead the blind by a way they do not know,
In paths they do not know I will guide them.
I will make darkness into light before them
And rugged places into plains.
These are the things I will do,
And I will not leave them undone.
(Isaiah 42:16)


God leads us when we cannot see.

God guides us when we don't know where we are going.

God prepares the path before us – smoothing it and providing light.

God is emphatic in His promise!


Abram could go, because before Paul ever wrote the words, Abram knew and really believed:

We walk by faith, not by sight....
(2 Corinthians 5:7)

And...

God is able to make all grace abound to you,
so that always having all sufficiency in everything,
you may have an abundance for every good deed....
(2 Corinthians 9:8)


God really is sufficient!

Father God, the unknown is such a scary place for me sometimes. I want to know where I'm going; how I'm getting there; what to expect when I get there; how to dress; what to take... I want to know it all! It drives me crazy not to know. And I know what that says about me. I want to trust You, Daddy. But if I trusted You – really trusted You – then I wouldn't worry so much about all those unknowns. Help me to relax into the truth that you are Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. You've already been where I'm heading. You've readied the path. Help to truly believe that You are good.

Fear: I am afraid of the unknown.

Truth:

  • Sometimes God calls us to leave the familiar to go to the unknown. (Genesis 12:1)
  • Sometimes God calls us without telling us exactly where. (Genesis 12:1)
  • God goes with us into the unknown. (Genesis 12:1)
  • God leads us when we cannot see. (Isaiah 42:16)
  • God guides us when we don't know where we are going. (Isaiah 42:16)
  • God prepares the path before us – smoothing it and providing light. (Isaiah 42:16)
  • God is emphatic in His promise! (Isaiah 42:16)
  • We walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7)
  • God really is sufficient! (2 Corinthians 9:8)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Monday, October 26, 2015

31Days - Known


Yesterday I explored the fear of not being known (feeling alone) and the Biblical truth to combat it. Today is a continuation of yesterday's post – just the "flip side" of it. So if you haven't read it already, you may want to go back and read Day 21: I am afraid of not being known (feeling alone).

The following are small excerpts of the journal entry I shared in that post. (The full journal entry can be found in the link above):
How can I be so desperate to be known... and so reluctant to put myself in a position where I can be -- all at the same time?

The thought of having to interact with someone petrifies me... yet... I want so desperately to be able to do more than just come, worship, and then leave without even talking to a friend. I hate knowing that I'll walk out those doors and we'll eat lunch alone... again.

And yet... And yet week after week, I head straight for the kids, lower my eyes to avoid contact and walk out - an incredible contrast in wanting to be known and refusing to chance it. At war with myself. How stupid is that?

Oh, God... I need someone to rescue me from myself....

I am at war with myself – an incredible contrast in wanting to be known and refusing to chance it.

It would seem I'm not alone. The comments I received after the last post shared how much people related to feeling alone and wanting to be included, but admitted they didn't actively pursue it. Why is that?

I may make excuses like "I'm too busy," but deep down, at least for me, is usually a bigger problem. I am afraid.

I explored the fear of making the first move in a relationship and Biblical truth to combat it in one of the earlier posts in this series. If you haven't read it, and you are one of those who can echo the sentiment of wanting those friendships, but not pursuing them, you might want to go back and read  Day 4: I am afraid of being the first to admit desire for a relationship. It was one of those posts that took me by surprise and had a lot to say to me.

I want to dig a little deeper today, though. I want to dig into the "Why is that?" underneath it and then the Biblical truth to combat it.

So my fear for Day Twenty-two:
I am afraid of being known.

It's a real fear – after you get to know me, you might not like me. And that hurts. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Let's start with yesterday's first point:

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
And before you were born I consecrated you...."
(Jeremiah 1:5
)

God knows us intimately!

We are already known by the One who matters most. He knows us more intimately than anyone on this earth ever will. And yet...

"For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.
(John 3:16)


God loves us!

Even knowing us better than anyone else, He still loves us – better than anyone else! Maybe you've known those verses for a long time. I have. And I have to admit that sometimes, when something becomes so familiar, it doesn't necessarily move me the way it should. But take a look at what David wrote:

I will rejoice and be glad in Your lovingkindness,
Because You have seen my affliction;
You have known the troubles of my soul....
(Psalms 31:7)

I've read this before and not seen it, but David says he rejoices and is glad because God has known the affliction and troubles of his soul. And David is not talking about just physical circumstances. He's talking about his soul – his spiritual state; his heart. God knows his heart and yet shows love, kindness, and mercy.

Why does that make David glad?

Because he knows just how poor and miserable his heart is. The word translated as "affliction" actually carries the meaning of depression, poverty, and misery. He has a miserable, impoverished heart and he knows it. And he knows God knows it.

David also knows how unfaithful and how much trouble his heart can be. Strong's Dictionary gives the meaning of the word translated as "troubles" as: a female rival, adversary, adversity, affliction, anguish, distress, tribulation, trouble. Brown-Driver-Brigg's Dictionary gets a little more blunt with the female rival idea and gives a possible translation as "rival wife." In other words, David's heart is divided, it's not always faithful to the God he loves. His heart causes him trouble and he knows it. And... he knows God knows it.

So David rejoices and is glad for God's lovingkindess because he knows that God knows what a wretch he is – and God shows him love, kindness and mercy, anyway. Long before John Newton penned the hymn, David was singing it: "Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound; That saved a wretch like me!"

God knows our souls and still shows love and kindness!

I know we know that. And yet... it's still a little scary to consider "being known" by a human – someone with somewhat less than divine love. Yet we are told:

Bear one another's burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ.
(Galatians 6:2)


I need to share my burdens.

The law of Christ (His commandment to us) is found in John 13:34-35:

"A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another, even as I have loved you, that you also love one another. "By this all men will know that you are My disciples, if you have love for one another."

We fulfill His law by loving each other. We love each other by bearing burdens. You can't bear my burdens if you don't know them. I need to let you know.

I need to let you know me.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15)


I need to share my joy and my sorrow.

Again, you can't rejoice with me unless I let you see my joy; you cannot cry with me unless I let you see my pain. I need to let you know.

I need to let you know me.

In James 5, James describes the deep and intimate connection that should exist between Christians:

Therefore, confess your sins to one another, and pray for one another....
(James 5:16)


I need to confess to you and I need you to pray for me.

Confession requires deep openness and revealing things we would rather hide. But James says that confession of sin is to be met with prayer, not judgment. And again, you can't know what to pray for me if you don't know where I struggle. I need to confess. I need to let you know.

I need to let you know me.

We see a great example of this openness with the Apostle Paul. He shared his fear (1 Corinthians 2:3). He shared his battles with his own self (Romans 7:15-25). He shared his joy (Philippians 2:17; 1 Thessalonians 3:9). He even boasted of his weaknesses (2 Corinthians 12:5; 2 Corinthians 12:9).

He let people know him and they followed him to Christ.

But why does God call for us to know each other this way? Is it just for others' sake? There is that. But I think it's also because He wants us to be loved in a deeper way. Going back to yesterday, He knows it's not good for us to be alone.

“To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.
To be known and not loved is our greatest fear.
But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.
It is what we need more than anything.
It liberates us from pretense,
humbles us out of our self-righteousness,
and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us.”
Timothy Keller, The Meaning of Marriage

If we will not take the risk to be known; we will not experience the fullness of human love.

I have to admit that I am only coming to know this truth. I have believed that by hiding parts of myself from my friends I was making myself more presentable and more likely to be accepted and loved. For years I've hidden parts of myself even from my husband. Some were things from my past I was ashamed of and I swore I'd never tell anyone. Others were feelings or fears that just felt too vulnerable. But an amazing thing happened when I began to share those things: I felt more loved and more accepted rather than less. When I present just a part of myself, deep down I know that you don't really know me well enough to say you love me. When I revealed those parts I'd rather keep hidden to my husband, (and later some others) I discovered a freedom and love that were well worth the risk involved. Not only am I loved better, but it opens up the door for others to be more vulnerable; to say "Me too!" and thus become more fully loved themselves. No, I'm not advocating telling your deepest, darkest secrets to everyone. We do need to use wisdom and confide in safe people. But the more we open up to others, the more full our relationships; the less alone we feel.

Only in being known do we escape the feeling of being alone.

And that part is on us. We have to make the move. Going back to yesterday's post and looking at God's provision of a friend for Elijah.... It dawned on me this morning that God didn't just plop Elisha down in front of Elijah and say "Here you go – new friend, signed, sealed, delivered." No... it wasn't quite that easy. God told Elijah to go and get him. (1 Kings 19: 15-21). "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus...." Go.

We need to go and make ourselves known.

But it is oh, so worth it!

Father God, it's hard for me to let down my guard enough to be known. I don't want others seeing my weaknesses and what I believe are my deficiencies. I want to show the world someone who is "worthy" of love and acceptance. But how much more wonderful to be known – truly known – and still loved. Help me to remember that the joy is worth the risk. Give me courage and strength to share my heart – the burdens, the joys, the sorrows, the dreams, the weaknesses, all of it. Give me the courage and strength to be known. Thank you for knowing me... and loving me anyway!

Fear: I am afraid of being known.

Truth:

  • God knows us intimately! (Jeremiah 1:5)
  • God loves us! (John 3:16)
  • God knows our souls and still shows love and kindness! (Psalms 31:7)
  • I need to share my burdens (Galatians 6:2)
  • I need to share my joy and my sorrow. (Romans 12:15)
  • I need to confess to you and I need you to pray for me. (James 5:16)
  • I need to let you know me.
  • If we will not take the risk to be known; we will not experience the fullness of human love.
  • Only in being known do we escape the feeling of being alone.
  • We need to go and make ourselves known. (1 Kings 19: 15-21)
-jenn
Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Friday, October 23, 2015

31Days - Not Known


I wrote the following journal entry in August of 2003. We had been attending a new church for several months after the failure of another church we had been very active in. The entry has been edited very slightly to remove names. It is otherwise unchanged.

How can I be so desperate to be known... and so reluctant to put myself in a position where I can be -- all at the same time?

You know what I hate most about church now? I have to admit that those first few moments before a service begins are uncomfortable – on the outskirts, not quite belonging. But what I really hate is when the worship leader says from the stage, "Have a good week." It's our cue to leave our "comfortable" places in our chairs, go collect kids, and leave for another week. And I hate it. The thought of having to interact with someone petrifies me... yet... I want so desperately to be able to do more than just come, worship, and then leave without even talking to a friend. I hate knowing that I'll walk out those doors and we'll eat lunch alone... again. Just typing it out is enough to cause the tears to fall again. I still, so desperately, miss the friendships at our last church. I still miss working hand in hand with the pastor and his wife. I miss him investing in me; patiently trying to grow me into the leadership role I owned, but didn't deserve - sometimes with encouragement, sometimes with a much-needed 2x4, but always there. I miss knowing that even when I messed up, someone there knew my heart... and still cared. I miss the Sunday afternoon lunches and discussions and planning sessions. I miss working with the band. I miss coming early and leaving late. As stressful as caring for the team and the congregation was, I still miss it. I miss connecting. Me, the independent one whose team had no clue that I even cared. Even I didn't realize how much I cared. But all those missing interactions leave such a huge hole....

So, yes, I hate hearing him say "Have a good week." It means the hardest part of my week is just moments away. I hate just walking out. Alone. It seems so empty. And yet... And yet week after week, I head straight for the kids, lower my eyes to avoid contact and walk out - an incredible contrast in wanting to be known and refusing to chance it. At war with myself. How stupid is that?

Oh, God... I need someone to rescue me from myself....

So my fear for Day Twenty-one:

I am afraid of not being known.

I suppose you could call it a fear of being alone. But it goes deeper than that. I can do "alone" time. In fact, I need alone time. It's feeling alone even when surrounded by people that's the issue. That "alone" comes from the fact that those around me don't truly know my heart. They don't know who I am enough to really stand with me. They may be social media friends... but they aren't really friends.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. Alone can hurt. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,
And before you were born I consecrated you...."
(Jeremiah 1:5)


God knows us intimately!

Before our creation, God knew us. Think about that. Even before our parents' DNA joined in that miraculous moment called conception, God KNEW us. He didn't know about us. He KNEW us.

O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down,
And are intimately acquainted with all my ways.
Even before there is a word on my tongue,
Behold, O LORD, You know it all.
(Psalms 139:1-4)


God understands us.

Our every thought, He understands completely. He understands it even before we have it! Several times through this series, I've suddenly seen that in the same section of scripture where God called me to action, He also preemptively addressed my fear. He understands me; sees the fear coming before I'm even aware of it; and speaks to it – thousands of years before I was born! He understands me in ways I don't even understand myself.

Continuing with the same passage of scripture:

You have enclosed me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
(Psalms 139:5)


God touches us.

When I am in a new place or in a crowd, there is something intimately reassuring about the touch of my husband's hand on the small of my back – leading, guiding, and reassuring. I feel protected and cared for. As I read verse 5, I sense that same touch. God is on every side of me, standing in front of me and behind me with His hand on me – leading, guiding, and reassuring. I am protected and cared for. He is close enough to touch. And He touches me – He gently lays His hand on me! I am known. And I am most definitely not alone.

"No longer do I call you slaves, for the slave does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I have heard from My Father I have made known to you.
(John 15:15)


Jesus calls us friend.

If I'm honest, though.... sometimes I'd still like a friend that has two feet on the ground, you know? A friend with some skin on. Here's the thing: I think God understands that completely:

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
(Genesis 2:18)


God knows it's not good for us to be alone!

I know generally we use this scripture to talk about marriage. But not everyone is married. Yes, marriage is a beautiful gift. But married or not, God knows it is not good for us to be alone. He means marriage to be male/female. But I think we can look at Jesus and know that God thought it was a pretty good idea to have some same-sex friends as well. John writes of Jesus entrusting His mother to him:

When Jesus then saw His mother, and the disciple whom He loved standing nearby, He said to His mother, "Woman, behold, your son!" Then He said to the disciple, "Behold, your mother!" From that hour the disciple took her into his own household.
(John 19:26)


Jesus' example affirms friendship.

Entrusting His mother to "the disciple whom He loved." That sounds like really good friends to me! You don't entrust your mom to just anyone!

But more than just Christ's example affirms friendship:

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up. Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.
(Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)


God's word affirms friendship.

It is generally believed that Solomon wrote Ecclesiastes. You know Solomon... David's son. I wonder, if while writing those words, Solomon was thinking back to the stories he had most certainly heard about his father's best friend – Jonathan. I mentioned the friendship on Day 12, but here's the beginning of it:

Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself.... Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself. Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, with his armor, including his sword and his bow and his belt.
(1 Samuel 18:1, 3-4)

David had just killed Goliath and Saul had been asking about it. Jonathan heard David's answers and knew that this was someone he could count as a friend. They both had the same love for God, and the same trust that God would see them through battle. (Jonathon faced the Philistines with only his cupbearer in 1 Samuel 14). One difference: Jonathon is the crowned prince, next in line for the throne; David has been anointed for the throne by God. Whoa! But Jonathan gives David his robe, acknowledging that he knows God is giving the throne to David. What unlikely friends! And yet, "Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself." They weren't just friends, they were best friends. They made a vow to protect each other's families. Jonathan protected David from his father, Saul. David sheltered Jonathon's family from annihilation (the norm was to kill the entire royal family after taking over the throne, but David refused to harm the family of his dearest friend). So these two men who could easily be enemies fighting over the throne are instead deeply devoted friends. The friendship saves David's life; preserving the lineage of the coming Christ. You can't tell me God didn't have a hand in that!

God provided exactly the friend that David needed.

Let's look at another story:

Elijah was a prophet of God who had just seen God act in mighty ways, exposing Baal as a false god. Elijah, in fact, was part of that entire process. But after exposing Baal, he receives a death threat from the queen who was a Baal worshipper. Elijah runs for the desert. God meets him there, taking care of his personal needs for rest and nourishment before asking why Elijah is there. Elijah answers:

"I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
(1 Kings 19:10)

Elijah feels alone. So alone and so discouraged that earlier he had actually prayed for his own death. And this is a man whose prayers had held back rain for 3.5 years and then called down the fire of God on a soaked sacrifice! Elijah isn't really the last prophet and he knows it – earlier in the story Obadiah had told him that he'd managed to hide 100 prophets in caves. But Elijah feels alone. And he doesn't hesitate to tell God.

God first answers by drawing him into a cave and revealing Himself (1 Kings 19:11-12). God knew that the first thing Elijah needed was a personal encounter with God and He gave it to him. Elijah recognizes the presence of God and humbly responds accordingly. God then asks Elijah again what he is doing out here. And Elijah gives the same answer:

"I have been very zealous for the LORD, the God of hosts; for the sons of Israel have forsaken Your covenant, torn down Your altars and killed Your prophets with the sword. And I alone am left; and they seek my life, to take it away."
(1 Kings 19:14)

God doesn't get frustrated. He knows what Elijah needs next and, again, He provides it:

The Lord said to him, "Go, return on your way to the wilderness of Damascus, and when you have arrived, you shall anoint Hazael king over Aram; and Jehu the son of Nimshi you shall anoint king over Israel; and Elisha the son of Shaphat of Abel-meholah you shall anoint as prophet in your place. "It shall come about, the one who escapes from the sword of Hazael, Jehu shall put to death, and the one who escapes from the sword of Jehu, Elisha shall put to death. "Yet I will leave 7,000 in Israel, all the knees that have not bowed to Baal and every mouth that has not kissed him."
(1 Kings 19:15-18)

First, He gives Elijah a personal encounter. Then He gives him a job to do in anointing new kings over Syria and Israel. Elijah needed a task to focus on so he could avoid excessive introspection. He needed to stop looking at himself and his own (admittedly difficult) circumstances. But the next thing is what's really cool.

God gave something else to the discouraged and depressed prophet, beyond a personal encounter; beyond work to do. He also gave him a friend and a successor. Elijah needed a friend. His main complaint was that he was alone. God knew that and provided for it. God let Elijah know that there was a man ready to be his disciple and companion.

God provided Elijah the friend he needed at exactly the right time.

Father God, thank You so much for looking out for me with such great care. Sometimes it's easy to think that I'm alone... that everybody else already has the friends they need and there's no room for me. Socially inept and unwanted. But I am wanted. I am known. In incredible ways. And not only are You my friend, but You've shown me through these stories, that You will provide what I need (or who I need) right when I need it. Help me to run first to You and trust You for the rest.

Tomorrow I'll look at the flip side of the journal entry above – the fear of being known. But for now, here's the recap of today:

Fear: I am afraid of not being known (feeling alone).

Truth:

  • God knows us intimately! (Jeremiah 1:5)
  • God understands us and touches us. (Psalms 139:1-5)
  • Jesus calls us friend. (John 15:15)
  • God knows it's not good for us to be alone! (Genesis 2:18)
  • Jesus' example affirms friendship. (John 19:26)
  • God's word affirms friendship. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
  • God provided exactly the friend that David needed. (1 Samuel 18-19)
  • God provided the friend Elijah needed at exactly the right time. (1 Kings 19:15-18)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Thursday, October 22, 2015

31Days - My Messy House


I've been known to walk outside to meet the pizza delivery boy. He thinks it's because of the large, excited, dog that my daughter is holding by the collar. At least that's what I hope he believes. To help with that impression I shout out, "Somebody hold the dog!" as I head for the door. Part of the reason really is to make sure the dog – who can get to 45mph in 6 feet – doesn't escape. He wouldn't hurt a flea (well, not intentionally) but he is fast; he loves to greet new people; and greyhounds are easily distracted and love to chase squirrels, cats, grocery bags flying in the wind and anything else that may move.... But if I'm honest, the main reason I call out is to give myself an excuse to keep the delivery boy outside my home.

Our home in TX was considerably larger than where we live now. We now live in 624 square feet. There's not even a place to hang coats in the winter, so the sofa becomes the coat tree. There just isn't room for all our stuff. Things get cluttered pretty quickly. And it's hard to clean when there's that much clutter. And it's easy to give up. Dusting doesn't get done as often as it should. I've not seen the top of my kitchen table for months at a time. Sometimes (okay a lot of the time) it's hard to even find the floor to vacuum the way I should. Hmmm... the way I SHOULD. Therein lies the problem. If I can't do something in the complete and full manner I believe it should be done, then I just won't start. So...

I try to prevent the delivery man from stepping inside and seeing the accumulation of stuff that hasn't found its home; the dust on top of the entertainment center; and – if it's been a busy couple of days – the dishes stacked in the kitchen. Because, believe me, with 624sq ft., you see it ALL from the doorway!

And I just don't want that seen.

So my fear for Day Twenty:

I am afraid of someone seeing my messy house.

Actually, I have reason to believe my mother is also afraid of anyone seeing it! She really did train me better... (Sorry, Mom!) So... yeah... it's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Above all, keep fervent in your love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.
Be hospitable to one another without complaint.
(1 Peter 4:8-9)


Be hospitable to one another without complaint.

To be honest, I've had a problem with that verse for other reasons than just my cluttered living room. I just don't consider myself to have a knack for hospitality. I consider myself fairly...umm... well... socially awkward. But I looked up the Greek word that's translated "hospitable." Thayer's dictionary gives it the meaning of "hospitable, generous to guests." Huh. Generous. I think I can do that! No outstanding entertaining skills required, just a generous heart. Cool!

I also, for the fun of it, looked up "complaint." Strong's listed the expected "a grumbling: - grudging, murmuring." But Thayer's added something: "a secret displeasure not openly avowed." Oh. A secret displeasure? You mean that sinking feeling inside as I tell a surprise guest, "No problem! Come on in!"? Oops. But it's not that I'm actually unhappy to have a guest... it's that I'm embarrassed to have a guest see my mess. But the answer for that might just be in realizing – and internalizing – the truth of verse 8:

Be fervent in love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins.

Here's the deal. If I walk into your home and am welcomed with a warm, generous spirit, I'm not really going to care about the stack of paperwork on the coffee table or the dishes stacked in the sink. In fact, I'm probably going to be more at ease than if your home were in perfect condition. I can remember an occasion where that concept came home for me in a big way.

I walked into a very nice, large house that was perfect. I mean P-E-R-F-E-C-T. I knew kids lived there, but you couldn't tell it. There wasn't a spot of dust anywhere; not an out-of-place toy in the entire place. I felt like I was going to mess something up just by being there! Seriously! I was very conscious of the fact that I had shoes on my feet, but my hosts left their shoes by the door. I honestly felt uncomfortable even sitting down on the sofa. That sounds completely silly, but it was true! I sat on the edge, never at ease. I didn't even want to set my purse down on the bar or use the table to do something as simple as write a note. I was extremely uncomfortable the entire time I was there. It felt cold and sterile. I felt like I was messing up their perfect little world. I may have been offered a drink, but I was too uncomfortable to have accepted it even if I was. I'm sure they felt like they had a wonderful home for guests, but I couldn't wait to leave!

Contrast that with the friend who owned a very similar home in a very similar neighborhood. I walked in to see clean laundry on the sofa and dirty dishes in the sink. There was a project going on that had the dining table completely covered (in something other than a meal). I was met with a smile and welcomed in. She apologized for the laundry on the sofa. Honestly, though, the laundry, the dishes, the project – none of it mattered to me. I was cared for and at ease. I felt at home.

Did you notice something? I didn't do it intentionally. And I didn't notice it until I read what I just typed, but I used the word "house" in the first scene. And I used "home" in the second. The truth is, I felt much more comfortable, welcomed, and accepted in the home that wasn't perfect. I felt cared for. I think I probably was cared for in the first scene as well, but... somehow I felt like the house was the thing that was really cared for, not the people in it. The warmth of the reception was much more important to me than the perfect (or imperfect) appearance.

What I have to really take to heart is that when Peter talked about being hospitable, he was talking more about the way we treat people when they walk in the door (with love), than our entertaining ability or the lack of clutter on our coffee table. If I'm letting pride keep me from welcoming you into my life (and my home), then I've got a problem.

Oh. Pride. Pride is what drives my fear. Pride and what people think of me. Paul mentions in 2 Corinthians 5 those who "take pride in appearance and not in heart" and he wasn't very happy with them! I need to get rid of that!

I need to take pride not in appearance, but in the heart.

And yet...

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips nor enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good, so that they may encourage the young women to love their husbands, to love their children, to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.
(Titus 2:3-5)

Yeah, I looked up "workers at home," too. It means what you'd think: "taking care of household affairs."

I still need to take care of my home!

So, no, I'm not advocating an excuse for slothfulness! There is a balance. And maybe I need to let go of the perfectionism that says "If I can't do it right, why bother?" Maybe I need to try a little harder... on both counts: keeping the house a little better; but also not letting perfectionism keep me from using my home for God.

Okay, Father... truth is, I'm guilty on both counts. I let perfectionism keep me from doing the things I should. When I don't think I can do things perfectly, I just give up. And when things aren't perfect, I do my best to hide. Help me, Father, to put others before myself. To make sure others are treated with love and respect and welcomed into my life and my home. That's hard, God. If I'm honest, I don't really want to change. I mean, I want to show Your love. And I do remember times of enjoying using my home for You in the past. Although... I probably would've enjoyed it more if I'd let go of the idea that my home had to be in perfect order. Help me to find the balance, Lord. Actually, at this point... just help me to begin to really want to find the balance! Because I'm not there yet. Honestly, It seems a lot easier in theory, than in practice... and in a lot of ways, I'd rather just keep hiding!

Fear: I am afraid of someone seeing my messy house.

Truth:

  • We are to be hospitable to one another without complaint. (1 Peter 4:9)
  • We are to be fervent in love for one another, because love covers a multitude of sins. (1 Peter 4:8)
  • I need to take pride not in appearance, but in the heart. (2 Corinthians 5:12)
  • I still need to take care of my home. (Titus 2:3-5)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

31Days - Emotion


We were sitting in the living room when I mentioned to my husband that we still needed to write something for Kayla's Senior Memory Night. It's supposed to be written from the perspective of an object she took with her everywhere as a young child (blankie, binkie, doll, stuffed animal, etc). I had no idea (still have no idea) what to write and voiced that concern to Carl. He responded that he thought it was supposed to be funny and sappy. Yeah. I knew that. So my comment back to him was, "But I don't do sappy very well. Maybe you should write it." I heard a snicker from the couch where Kayla was sitting.

I hate to admit that. I don't like admitting the emotional deficiency in myself. And I really don't like admitting I was insensitive enough to actually have had that conversation in front of my daughter. What does that say to her? Ugh! And, finally, I don't like the fact that there was enough truth in my complaint for her to actually find it amusing.

But the truth is there.

Several years ago a friend questioned why I wasn't really happy about something that was happening. I was stunned by her assessment. I was happy. But... I'd controlled my reaction; stifled my emotion. I knew I had trouble revealing negative emotions. But suddenly I realized that I even keep tight control on the positive ones. Truth is, I could receive a gift that would send my heart over-the-moon happy, but from my body you would see only a slight smile and a word of thanks.

What on earth?!

In my ever-logical, deny-all-emotion mind, I've analyzed and can point to several things that probably led to my emotional suppression. As a child, I was told that if you didn't show emotion, the bullies wouldn't find you as fun to torment. I would have done nearly anything to make the daily teasing stop, so it seemed a small price to pay. And I became pretty good at it. My emotions are hidden so deep that even I can't tell what they are much of the time (That's frustrating when your therapist asks what you are feeling!) I learned to value logic over emotions. And I learned that emotions make you weak; make you a target. There's more to it than that (why would I stuff good emotions as well?), but my intent really isn't to psychoanalyze the origin of my fear here, but to explore the Biblical Truth to combat it.

So... my fear for Day Nineteen:

I am afraid of revealing my emotions.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves that showing emotions can make you vulnerable. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Jesus wept.
(John 11:35)


The Truth wept.

When Jesus went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and He felt compassion for them because they were like sheep without a shepherd; and He began to teach them many things.
(Mark 6:34)


The Truth felt compassion.

Then He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death;
remain here and keep watch with Me."
(Matthew 26:38)


The Truth grieved.

Jesus said to him, "Have I been so long with you, and yet you have not come to know Me, Philip?
He who has seen Me has seen the Father...."
(John 14:9
)

The Truth reflected the Father!

The Truth reflected a Father who expressed:
  • Love (John 3:16);
  • Anger (Deuteronomy 1:37);
  • Pity (Judges 2:18);
  • Pleasure (1 Kings 3:10);
  • Laughter (Psalm 2:4);
  • Compassion (Psalm 135:14);
  • Grief (Psalm 78:40);
  • Hate (Psalm 11:5);
  • Jealousy (Exodus 34:14);
  • Joy (Isaiah 62:5).

One of my favorite verses is,
The LORD your God is in your midst,
A victorious warrior.
He will exult over you with joy,
He will be quiet in His love,
He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.
(Zephaniah 3:17)

I love this picture of God. It varies from the mighty warrior, to the gentle lover, to a picture of exuberant celebration. Celebration over me! There can be no question:

The Father is a God of emotion!

Not only that, but:

When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews who came with her also weeping, He was deeply moved in spirit and was troubled....
(John 11:33)


God is a God who is moved by emotion.

So what does that say for me?

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness....
(Genesis 1:26)


We also, are made to reflect the Father (and the Son, and the Holy Spirit).

The truth is, like The Truth, we are to show the world something of God; to reflect Him. If I shut down my emotions, then I am not reflecting the Truth. If I portray myself as a logical, unemotional creature, then I do God a disservice. I show God as logical and unfeeling (a Vulcan!). Based on my reflection of Him, He comes off as detached – a God of rules and regulations. But that isn't who God is. God is logical. But He is not solely logical. He is love; He is a God of relationship and emotions. And I... I was created to reflect that.

So I do Him a disservice by suppressing my emotions. But the truth is, I also do myself a disservice.

"Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone;
but if it dies, it bears much fruit.
(John 12:24)

Because of its hard, protective shell, a grain of wheat can remain intact for thousands of years and not grow. If it is surrounded by the damp earth, though, its protective shell rots. When that protective shell is gone – even in a seed thousands of years old – then the seed will begin to sprout. Once that protective shell is destroyed, then – and only then – is the core released to grow and stretch towards the light.

When the protective shell around my heart is destroyed, I will begin to grow.

I felt hit between the eyes with the implication when I first saw it – on a week when I had run smack into the hard protective shell around my heart. My protective shell keeps me from growing! But then I noticed something that hit me even harder.

Look again at the verse to see this: "unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone." I know Jesus is actually talking about the fact that when we die to self and grow, we spread His gospel. But I think there's another, very vital, truth here: As long as there is a cold, protective shell around my heart (like the shell around the grain of wheat), I will remain alone. I may have other people around me, but without knowing my heart, they will not truly know me; they will not be with me. I created that shell to protect myself. But what it really does is keep people out. It keeps me alone.

Without sharing my emotions, letting people in... I will always feel alone.

That is not what God meant for us:

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone...."
(Genesis 2:18)


We were not meant to be alone.

It's not the kind of life Jesus meant for us. Jesus tells us:

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly."
(John 10:10)

Look at the first part of that verse. The thief (satan) comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

If I am killing emotion, I am aligning myself with evil.

Evil wants death. It comes to kill. In suppressing emotion, I am actively working with evil to kill a part of myself – a part that is meant to reflect the Truth; meant to reflect the Father; meant to reflect the Spirit. That is evil's intent – to kill the emotion; destroy the reflection. And I am working with it.

But what is Jesus' purpose?

Jesus came to give life abundant.

The NLT translation puts it this way:

The thief's purpose is to steal and kill and destroy.
My purpose is to give life in all its fullness.

Jesus wants life. And not just any life. Life in all its fullness. And...

A life that is full, is full of emotion!

Father God, I know You are a God of emotion. That part isn't hard for me. What is hard for me is to let You destroy that protective shell around my emotions. But thank you for showing me how poor a reflection I am when I am suppressing the emotions You created in me. Thank you for showing me how I am aligning myself with evil by attempting to kill a part of myself that You created. That said, it's still hard, Daddy. So help me to want it. Help me to realize that, really, it already is what I want. That hard shell doesn't protect me, it keeps me from growing. It keeps me alone. I don't want those things. I want to grow towards the Light. I want to reflect the Light. Thank you for Your Word and Your Truth.

Fear: I am afraid of revealing my emotions.

Truth:

  • The Truth wept. (John 11:35)
  • The Truth felt compassion. (Mark 6:34)
  • The Truth grieved. (Matthew 26:38)
  • The Truth reflected the Father! (John 14:9)
  • The Father is a God of emotion. (Zephaniah 3:17 and many, many others!)
  • God is a God who is moved by emotion. (John 11:33)
  • We also, are made to reflect the Father (and the Son, and the Holy Spirit). (Genesis 1:26-27)
  • When the protective shell around my heart is destroyed, I will begin to grow. (John 12:24)
  • Without sharing my emotions, letting people in... I will always feel alone. (John 12:24)
  • We were not meant to be alone. (Genesis 2:18)
  • If I am killing emotion, I am aligning myself with evil. (John 10:10)
  • Jesus came to give life abundant. (John 10:10)
  • A life that is full, is full of emotion!

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

31Days - Cockroaches


I had never seen a cockroach until I was in college. Our neighbors in married student housing, though, regularly left their fish in paper bags outside the door. That's a lovely smell after climbing three flights of stairs.... Evidently the roaches thought so, too. It was a constant battle. I was so glad when we found a tiny rent house out in the country. The bedroom was small enough that we had to take the door off the bedroom closet to be able to get into it. The bed blocked the doorway to the closet, but with the door off we could reach around to grab the hanging clothes... sort of. But it was ours. No neighbors with funky smells and roaming roaches. Yay!

Then we moved to Texas. Ummm.... yeah. I'm not sure you could grow up in the south and not know what a roach looks like. They evidently like the warmer weather - and were much more common there. The roaches we'd had in Indiana were small. Texas grows them big. I was astonished (and horrified) to see cockroaches more along the lines of one to two inches long! YIKES. But it got worse. I simply cannot describe the horror when I found out that those big, nasty critters... FLEW! It didn't help that part of this discovery was having one fly directly towards my face.

So my fear for Day Eighteen:

Yes, I am afraid of flying cockroaches.

Honestly, I was tempted to leave it at that – just throw it out there and run. Or drive, actually. Today will be a short post because I'm going to be spending the day driving 10-12 hours. I have to admit that my first thought was to just throw it out there and ask YOU to figure out the Biblical Truth. I mean, seriously, flying cockroaches? What's the Truth in that? But... I'm not going to cop-out quite that much.... I think I've actually got it. So....

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves flying cockroaches can result in a traumatizing experience. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

God blessed them; and God said to them, "Be fruitful and multiply, and fill the earth, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth."
(Genesis 1:28)


We are to subdue and rule!

Yup. That simple. Subdue and rule. And I have to say I didn't have the faintest hesitation in paying a professional to assure my success in that command. Monthly pest control service was in the budget as long as we lived in Texas. Not a problem! I'd been commanded to subdue and rule and I was taking it seriously! So that's it. The Biblical truth for flying cockroaches. Subdue and Rule!

Dear LORD, I honestly can't find a reason to thank You for flying cockroaches. But I am going to thank You for Orkin... for the help to subdue and rule. And... I'll give thanks for a sense of humor, too – no matter how warped my kids and readers think it may be.

Fear: I am afraid of flying cockroaches.

Truth:

  • We are to subdue and rule! (Genesis 1:28)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

Monday, October 19, 2015

31Days - Failure


October 17, 2015
I am panicked. I woke up this morning knowing that I had less than three hours to shower, get ready for lunch with my in-laws, and... write this blogpost. And I had absolutely no idea what topic to cover. By the time I was done with my morning routine, I was down to two hours. And I still had no idea what I was going to write about. You need to understand... I've been spending several hours each day researching the scriptures for the day's topic. After that, probably an hour or two putting it all together to make some logical sense of it (at least I hope it makes sense). Then it probably takes me another hour or so to get it into blogger with all the right formatting. Oh! And I've been known to take an hour or more to find the "right" image!

In reality, this little writing challenge hasn't been so little. It's taken a major chunk of each day. Fortunately, my husband has been totally supportive. He's run and gotten kids when I was frantically trying to finish up a post. He's suggested pizza delivery when he's realized that dinner plans have not even entered my mind. He's also been the one to see what I've been learning and how good this has been for me.

It has been good!

But it has also not been a "quick write-up" each day. And this morning I had two hours... with no idea what I was going to write; no research done. I spent the next hour just trying to figure out what I could write about that wouldn't require more soul-searching and pouring over the Word than I had time for. I was down to an hour. And, yes, panicked. I took a break to take care of laundry... and now I am down to about 30 minutes. But... I'm getting somewhere... because the (obvious) fear suddenly smacks me upside the head....

My fear for Day Seventeen:

I am afraid of failure.

That's the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them.
(Ephesians 2:10)


I am God's workmanship!

Why is that important here – in a post on the fear of failure? Because we tend to equate experiencing failure with being a failure. If I don't meet the deadline on the blog, I believe people will look at me as a failure. You get laid off and have no idea how you're going to support your family – you feel like a failure. Your kid struggles with dyslexia and has trouble reading as easily as the other kids – he feels like a failure. You try and try and try to lose that last 10 pounds – and you feel like a failure. The list goes on. But hear this. You are NOT a failure. I am not a failure:

For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother's womb.
I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
(Psalm 129:13-14)


I am fearfully and wonderfully made!

I am not a failure.

Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
(Psalm 139:14)


God's works are wonderful – and I am one of them!

I am not a failure.

My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
(Psalm 139:15)


I was skillfully wrought!

I am not a failure.

God saw all that He had made, and behold, it was very good.
(Genesis 1:31)


God's creation is not a failure; we are very good.

It wasn't until after man was created that God called creation "very good." Up until then, it was just good. For me to call myself a failure is to question God's judgment (He called us very good). To call myself a failure is to in fact, call Him a failure. I can't say that I am a failure without saying my Creator failed. The only possible conclusion is that:

We are not failures.

However,

...as it is written, "THERE IS NONE RIGHTEOUS, NOT EVEN ONE.
(Romans 3:10)

...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
(Romans 3:23)


All of us have failed.

There isn't a single one of us who hasn't failed at some point. We all have sinned. But the thing I need to realize is that experiencing failure does not mean I AM a failure. In fact, God uses failure to grow us and make us more like Christ. We all fail. Hebrews 11 (known as the Hall of Faith) contains an impressive list of heroic figures from the Old Testament. They are remarkable men and women whose stories stand out to encourage and challenge our faith. Yet I can – off the top of my head – name failure in the lives of almost every one of them. They experienced failures including doubt, lying, cheating, sexual sins, murder, poor parenting (your son rapes your daughter and you do nothing?!), the list goes on. These men and women, like all of us, had moments of failure. Yet they were not failures. Instead, they were listed as heroes of our faith.

How can that be?

My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
(Psalms 73:26)


God is our strength, even when our flesh and hearts fail.

God told Joshua:

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or tremble at them, for the LORD your God is the one who goes with you. He will not fail you or forsake you."
(Deuteronomy 31:6)


God will not fail us.

And just in case Joshua missed, it, God repeated Himself:

"The LORD is the one who goes ahead of you;
He will be with you. He will not fail you or forsake you.
Do not fear or be dismayed."
(Deuteronomy 31:8)


God goes before us (and will not fail).

David echoed those words to encourage his son:

Then David said to his son Solomon, "Be strong and courageous, and act;
do not fear nor be dismayed, for the LORD God, my God, is with you.
He will not fail you nor forsake you until all the work for the service of the house of the LORD is finished.
(1 Chronicles 28:20)


Don't fear – ACT! As long as we are about God's work, He will not fail or forsake us.

Did you catch that?! Nike may have thought they created a great ad slogan, but David said it long before Nike did: "Just do it! Don't fear - act! God is with you."

And circling back to Ephesians 2:10:

For we are God's masterpiece.
He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.
(Ephesians 2:10, NLT)


I am not a failure – I am part of the plan!

He created me to do things He planned long ago. The things I put my hand to, He had planned out since the beginning of time. He prepared them for me. He created me for them. Everything I am – everything I do – is all part of the plan! That doesn't deny free will or my poor (rebellious) choices. But even my failures, God has a plan for.

And God's plans don't fail.

So... it's now a full two days from the time I first started writing this post. If you had told me at the beginning of the 31 Days of Writing challenge that I would be two days late with a post... well, it wouldn't have been a pleasant thought. Even two days ago I wasn't happy about it. I knew I was going to be late, but even at that I considered "adjusting" the publication date. I just couldn't let go of the idea that the day of the month should match the number of posts I'd written! The 17th fear should be on the 17th of the month. There was a little bit of OCD there. And there was probably also a little bit of the fact that any mismatch would point out my failure. I thought if I could get it posted early on the 18th, I could adjust the publication date and live with it. As it became obvious that it wasn't even going to be completed by the 18th, I started letting go of my OCD just enough to realize that I needed to post it with today's date. I needed to face the failure. There's a gap. And that's okay. I failed to make an arbitrary deadline created by man. I didn't get it completed enough to post. But I've been writing each day. I'm searching. I'm learning. I'm not a failure. And God's timing is perfect. He even used my failure to speak to me about my fear of failure. He's good like that. He's God like that.

Father God, it's so hard for me to put myself into a situation where I might fail. I hate the idea of looking like I've failed... of looking like a failure. I don't want to be judged like that. But in truth... it's me who is doing the judging. And in doing so, I am making a judgment about You, my Creator! Help me instead to really grasp the truth of just how wonderfully I am made and how very much You love me. Help me to remember that Your plans never fail... and I am a part of those plans. What I see as failure has been a part of Your plan all along. I am not a failure. I am part of the plan. What an amazing privilege! What an amazing God!

Fear: I am afraid of failure.

Truth:

  • I am God's workmanship, skillfully wrought, and fearfully and wonderfully made. (Ephesians 2:10; Psalm 139:13-15)
  • God's creation is not a failure; we are very good. (Genesis 1:31)
  • All of us have failed, (Romans 3:10; 3:23) but God is our strength, even when our flesh and hearts fail. (Psalms 73:26)
  • God goes before us and will not fail us. (Deuteronomy 31:6; 31:8)
  • Don't fear – act! As long as we are about God's work, He will not fail or forsake us. (1 Chronicles 28:20)
  • I am not a failure – I am part of the plan! (Ephesians 2:10)
  • God's plans don't fail.
-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).