31Days: God Not Speaking

I remember my confusion and my fear. I remember my deception. I was at church camp. I was at church camp... and I was lying through my teeth. Yes, at church camp. But... I was a good girl. I almost always did what was expected. And I knew what was expected. So I lied. Seem a bit backwards? Yeah... maybe I'd better back up a bit.

Several kids that week had started to feel sick and the adults did something I'd never encountered before – they began anointing those who weren't feeling well and praying over them. I understood prayer, but I'd never seen anointing done before. One by one, those kids began feeling better. I eventually started feeling a little sick, too, and they anointed and prayed over me. A little while later one of the counselors asked if I was feeling any better. And... that's when I lied.

See, I knew what was supposed to happen. I was supposed to feel better. But I didn't. Not really. So was I supposed to admit that it didn't work? That I didn't have enough faith to be healed? That there was something wrong with me that God wouldn't heal me like He did the other kids? Nope. I sucked it up... and I lied. I wasn't feeling incredibly sick, so I was able to pull it off. "Yup, God healed me – everything is A-okay here!" But inside I knew... I knew that somehow I didn't measure up. Maybe I didn't have enough faith to be healed. Maybe I just wasn't close enough to God. Maybe I just wasn't worthy. Whatever it was, there was something in me that prevented me from receiving the same healing the other kids had. Looking back now, I wonder how many of them faked it too. Were we, even as children, already so adept at living the stained glass masquerade?

Well... I want to shatter the glass. I want to put my fist right through it. So let me just state it bluntly and honestly. That day I was afraid I wouldn't be healed. But today there's a similar fear that runs through me.

My fear for Day Twenty-Five:

I am afraid of not hearing God's voice.

Actually, there's really two parts to that: (1) God not speaking; and (2) me not hearing. And as I started writing, I discovered that what I had planned for one day is actually going to require two. So for the first part:

I am afraid God won't speak to me.

There is still that little girl in me who deep down is afraid there is some deficiency in me which will keep God from speaking to me... just like I believed it was a deficiency in me that kept me from healing. If He doesn't speak to me, it's my fault... and people will know I'm a fraud; that I'm not doing something right; that I don't measure up.

That's painful to admit... even to myself, even this far away from those events. So it's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

First, I have to go back to Day 3: I am afraid of not being good enough; not being chosen.

“But you, Jenn, My servant,
Jenn whom I have chosen,
Descendant of Abraham My friend,
You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth,
And called from its remotest parts
And said to you, ‘You are My servant,
I have chosen you and not rejected you."
(Isaiah 41:8-9)

I have called you by name; you are Mine!
(Isaiah 43:1)

God has not rejected me, but chosen me as His.

I covered this in more detail on Day 3, so you may want to read that if you haven't. And even though I wrote about it, I still have to step back and really internalize it. I have to believe it with everything I am. God looked at me and with an exclamation point called out "I have called you by name, Jenn; you are Mine!" I. Am. His.

And Jesus tells us:

"My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me;
(John 10:27)

Jesus promises us we will hear His voice.

That's it. It's that simple. That's the Truth. God has chosen me as His; and His sheep hear His voice.

So why do I sometimes feel like I'm holding a one-sided conversation? I think I'm in good company, because David had those same questions:

My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?
Far from my deliverance are the words of my groaning.
O my God, I cry by day, but You do not answer;
And by night, but I have no rest.
(Psalms 22:1-2)

Even David had times where he experienced God's silence.

And yet, we know that David was "a man after God's own heart." So why would God be silent? I think sometimes it's designed to stretch and grow our faith. Sometimes it's to make us seek harder and drive us into His arms (absence makes the heart grow fonder, yes?). Most of the time, though, we're probably not going to have a clue. His ways are not ours. His thoughts are higher (Isaiah 55:8). So I think I have to concentrate less on the "why" and more on trusting; believing that what He says is true – despite my own feelings and experiences.

We don't know the reasons for the silences in David's life any more than we know the reasons for the silence in ours. What we do know is what David wrote:

In the day of my trouble I shall call upon You,
For You will answer me.
(Psalms 86:7)

David trusted God to answer – even having experienced God's silence.

David knew that God wouldn't really forsake him – even if it felt that way.

God wants us to hear Him. He wants us to seek Him. And He promises to honor it if we do:

"But from there you will seek the LORD your God,
and you will find Him if you search for Him with all your heart and all your soul.
(Deuteronomy 4:29)

`You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart.
(Jeremiah 29:13)

God promised that if we seek with all our heart, we will find Him.

I know that. I have known that. Here's where I really start to get excited, though:

and he went out to meet Asa and said to him, "Listen to me, Asa, and all Judah and Benjamin: the LORD is with you when you are with Him. And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him...."
(2 Chronicles 15:2)

God will let us find Him!

Did you catch that? He doesn't just say that if we seek Him we will find Him. He tells us He will let us find Him! Why do I find that exciting? Yes, I'm grinning now. I'm practically jumping up and down.

Did you ever play "chase" with your daddy when you were little? As adults we can look back and know that there was no way we could have ever caught him. He could have spun and dodged out of our reach until we fell down and wailed in frustrated tears. Most dads don't do that. Most dads know just how far to push it and right before the point of despair he turns and lets his child catch him. The child laughs and giggles at her accomplishment – she caught her daddy! Do you see it? That daddy isn't being mean to his daughter, he's playing with her and she giggles with the pure joy of the win. That's God! He wants us to chase Him. And He wants us to win! He wants to hear the giggle of our delight at catching Him. Our Daddy darts and dodges in play as we chase after Him. There's no way we could catch Him on our own. But at just the right moment, He turns and scoops us into His arms, laughing in pure joy at our desire for Him. I love this quote by A.W. Tozer: "All the time we are pursuing Him we are already in His hand." So let yourself imagine:

Chasing after Daddy
with a hope that will not die
Little legs too short to win
But a heart that has to try
Daddy dances just out of reach
Little legs still running after
One last final spin
And Daddy's voice rings out with laughter

chorus:
And Daddy catches me
As I'm chasing after him
And I somehow win the race
A little child can never win
Daddy's arms enfold me
He lifts me high above
Laughter shakes the both of us
I'm caught... by Daddy's love

v2:
Chasing after God now
with a hope that will not die
Little legs too short to win
But a heart that has to try
Glory dances just out of reach
Little legs still running after
One last final spin
And Daddy's voice rings out with laughter
(Repeat chorus)

bridge:
Just when we would fall
And give in to despair
He will turn and catch us
And swing us in the air
Pursuer is pursued
Already in His grasp
Captured by His love
Enraptured by His laugh

chorus:
And Daddy catches me
As I'm chasing after Him
And I somehow win the race
A little child can never win
Daddy's arms enfold me
He lifts me high above
Laughter shakes the both of us
I'm caught... by Daddy's love
"Caught by Daddy's Love" ©2000, J.Dietz

That's our Daddy! Isn't it absolutely amazing to think of Him playing and laughing with us that way? Does it change your whole perspective of the chase to realize He wants to let us win? He wants to let us find Him? It did for me!

But... sigh... to be honest... I'd forgotten. I'd written those verses 15 years ago. And until I read that verse in 2nd Chronicles – actually until I was almost done writing about it this morning – I'd forgotten. Entirely forgotten. I don't know how I forgot something so completely amazing as that picture of my Father. Kids. Life. Disappointments. I don't know. But I forgot.

And that... that makes me glad for the rest of the passage. Picking up at the end of verse 2:

"And if you seek Him, He will let you find Him; but if you forsake Him, He will forsake you. For many days Israel was without the true God and without a teaching priest and without law. But in their distress they turned to the LORD God of Israel, and they sought Him, and He let them find Him."
(2 Chronicles 15:2-4)

Yes, He tells us if we forsake Him, He will forsake us. But that's not the end of it...

Even after we forsake Him, He will let us find Him – if we just seek Him again!

How amazing is that?!

Abba, Daddy... I don't know what to say. How could I have forgotten that beautiful, amazing picture of You playing and laughing with me? How could I have forgotten that seeking You isn't simply a command, but a delightfully, wonderful playtime with You? Oh, Daddy... thank You for the reminder. Thank You for speaking. Thank You for Your assurances and promises that You will speak. Thank You for always turning and showing Yourself right when I need it. Thank you... for being such a good, good Father!

Fear: I am afraid God won't speak to me.

Truth:

• God has not rejected me, but chosen me as His. (Isaiah 41:8-9; Isaiah 43:1)
• Jesus promises us we will hear His voice. (John 10:27)
• Even David had times where he experienced God's silence. (Psalms 22:1-2)
• David trusted God to answer – even having experienced God's silence. (Psalms 86:7)
• God promised that if we seek with all our heart, we will find Him. (Deuteronomy 4:29; Jeremiah 29:13)
• God will let us find Him – in an amazingly playful game of chase! (2 Chronicles 15:2)
• Even after we forsake Him, He will let us find Him if we seek Him again! (2 Chronicles 15:2-4)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).