31Days - Looking Foolish

I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King
Nothing, Lord, is hindering the passion in my soul
I will dance, I will sing to be mad for my King
Nothing, Lord, is hindering the passion in my soul
And I'll become... even more undignified than this
Some would say it's foolishness
But I'll become... even more undignified than this
Leave my pride by the side
And I'll become... even more undignified than this
Some would say it's foolishness
But I'll become... even more undignified than this
(Matt Redman, Undignified)

This was one of the songs I used when I was putting together kids' worship in our church in Texas. We sang it in adult service, too, but I think the kids loved it even more. They at least had a little more freedom with it. It was fun to see their exuberance. I envied it to some extent. Oh could they dance! Body parts flying all over as they wriggled in excitement. No, they wouldn't have won any awards on Dancing with the Stars. But I think God was smiling on it all. I think He tipped back His head and laughed at the joy of HIs children.

When I thought of expressing that kind of freedom myself, though, it wasn't God's laughter I was thinking about. It was the laughter of anyone else that might be in the room. Oh I might occasionally do a little dance in the kitchen – with no one watching. But my body parts wouldn't look so cute wiggling and jiggling. And I was old enough I should've been able to dance better. I was old enough to... act like an adult.

Even as I type that, I hear Jesus praising the way children came to Him... imploring us to come to Him as they did. Ugh. So why do I feel like I have to act like an adult? Maybe because I don't really feel like a capable, mature, adult so I think I have to at least act like I am? Maybe. But there's something else, too.

My fear for Day Sixteen:

I am afraid of looking foolish.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves it can be humiliating to look foolish in front of my peers. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might....
(2 Samuel 6:14)

David put everything he had into his worship.

Here's the background: David has just brought the ark of God back into Jerusalem after a long absence. He is filled with joy at the fact that the ark – the presence of God Himself – has finally been returned to the Holy City (where it belongs). He couldn't contain his joy and his love of God and had been dancing in the street with the other men as he led the parade through the city. Michal, his wife (and Saul's daughter) saw him from her window and threw a fit:

But when David returned to bless his household, Michal the daughter of Saul came out to meet David and said, "How the king of Israel distinguished himself today! He uncovered himself today in the eyes of his servants' maids as one of the foolish ones shamelessly uncovers himself!"
(2 Samuel 6:20)

Poor guy... he returns home full of joy and expects to share his victory and joy and bless his household. But his wife tears him apart before he even gets in the door (remember, she came out to meet him!). I've heard before that David was dancing in his underwear and I can see how that might be interpreted from Michal's scathing accusations. But if you look at the beginning of the scene above, you see he was in a linen ephod. An ephod is a lightweight, religious piece of clothing worn over a robe. He's not naked, not even close. A piece of religious clothing would have never been worn immodestly. He is dressed as any other worshipper was. And acting as all the other worshipers were. And that was Michal's problem – she couldn't stand that he took off his royal robes to put on a piece of common religious clothing and act as any worshipper. It is not his "nakedness" that bothers her – it's the fact that he wasn't acting as dignified as she believed a king should. It was that God came before throne. So David returned home, full of joy and exuberance, ready to celebrate with his wife and she ripped into him for the very thing which brought him so much joy.

David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord.
(2 Samuel 6:21)

David's worship was for the Lord, not for anyone else.

He's saying, "I wasn't dancing for you or anyone else. I was dancing for God. The God who chose me – not your dad – to rule over His people." I think in a way he's pointing out that God has blessed him and his choices. He may be more undignified than her dad, but:

God sees his love and devotion and is blessing him for it.

And... what's more...

I will become even more undignified than this
(2 Samuel 6:22)

David wasn't out for his wife's approval of his worship... or anyone but God's.

He's telling her, what God sees matters more to me than what you or anyone else thinks. That sounds so good and admirable... until it's my turn to do it. Until I'm standing watching the kids shout "I'll become... even more undignified than this! Some may say it's foolishness" and know in my heart how incredibly hard it would be to surrender to joy the way they do.

David was not doing anything inappropriate or out of context. I'm not encouraging becoming disruptive or inappropriate in a worship service. But... how hard is it sometimes to walk down to the altar to pray in front of everyone? How hard is it to raise your hand in front of everyone? Or... maybe you can do the one-hand thing, but two? Or maybe it's falling on your knees when you consider that the lyrics you are singing talk about that very thing. I'm not the only one who struggles with feeling like everyone else is watching, am I?

So how did David get to that point where he could honestly say that all he cared about was pleasing God, no matter how foolish it may look to others? How do I get there?

I die.

My pastor said something several months ago that stuck with me. He pointed out that when you are dead you don't care how you look. How often are we told in scripture to die to self?

"... Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit."
(John 12:24)

Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.
(Galatians 5:24)

... but if by the Spirit you are putting to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are being led by the Spirit of God, these are sons of God. For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"
(Romans 8:13-15)

I need to crucify my flesh and not live in slavery leading to fear.

In the words of my pastor:

"The more time I spend dying, the more bold I become.
When I'm dead, I don't care... I don't care how foolish I look."

Father God, I admit that I still care too much about what people around me might think. I want to be able to say, like David, that I don't care. But the truth is, I do. I hate the thought of looking foolish. So I've got some dying to do, Lord. It sounds painful. Death isn't easy. It's not something I really want. But I want that exuberance I see in David; the exuberance I saw in the children's faces as they echoed his words in song. So help me to want it badly enough to die enough that I, too, can say with honesty I will celebrate before the LORD, even when it might look foolish to the Michals of the world.

Fear: I am afraid of looking foolish.

Truth:

• David put everything he had into his worship. (2 Samuel 6:14)
• David's worship was for the Lord, not for anyone else. (2 Samuel 6:21)
• God sees his love and devotion and is blessing him for it. (2 Samuel 6:21)
• David wasn't out for his wife's approval of his worship... or anyone but God's. (2 Samuel 6:22)
• I need to crucify my flesh and not live in slavery leading to fear. (John 12:24; Galatians 5:24; Romans 8:13-15)
• "The more time I spend dying, the more bold I become. When I'm dead, I don't care... I don't care how foolish I look.

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Change

I was carrying out the small bin of recyclables from our kitchen a few days ago and noticed a paper on the top. It was a printout from one of my daughter's assignments for her English class. I don't normally go snooping through the recyclables, but this was on top and something about it caught my eye. So I stood beside the outside bin reading:

As we took our seats on our cold, brown, leather couches, pure excitement was painted on my parents' faces and soon spread to our faces, too. They started off by revealing that my dad would be able to work from home now and would spend more time at home. I thought this was the gift by itself, but my parents continued.

"This means we could move to Indiana and be closer to your grandparents and cousins," my mom let out with great enthusiasm.

Jessie, my older sister, shared that same enthusiasm and couldn't wait to pack up her bags to leave. Dani, my older sister, wanted to move, too, but knew she would have to spend her senior year in a new school. I, however, had no desire whatsoever to move across the country away from my friends and everything I had ever known; my parents would be moving back home, but I would be moving away from it.

Tears streamed down my face, my words too broken up by sobs to understand. Eventually I calmed down slightly. I was able to make audible words come out of my mouth to explain my tears. I didn't want to leave my friends. Or my home. Or the reminders of my childhood memories. I was heartbroken.....

My thoughts were all jumbled up. Arguments for staying and leaving were racing around, one after another. I locked myself in my newly redecorated bedroom and laid on my back on my bed until I could make a decision. To help sort out my thoughts, I created an imaginary balance and began weighing my options. I started placing coins in the corresponding plates. No guilt: into the Indiana plate – clink. Being with friends: Texas plate – clink. Being with family: Indiana – clink. Continue living in our home: Texas – clink. Seeing snow for more than just on vacation: Indiana – clink. Staying in my comfort zone: Texas – clink. My sisters being happy and endless new possibilities: Indiana – clink, clink. Although the Indiana plate was heavier, I still had my doubts. But I kept feeling a tug at my heart; God telling me to make a leap of faith, trust him, and move away from everything that had long been comfortable to me.

Decision day came. My parents took us out to eat at a local Tex-Mex restaurant. The aroma of fresh, warm tortilla chips filled the atmosphere as we took our seats and ordered our drinks. Other families were switching between eating and talking. Mine was silent. And I, personally, had no desire to change it. My parents, however, did.

My parents addressed the elephant in the room head on asking for my final decision. I sat silent, still undecided. The answer "no" kept repeating in my head but, for no other reason but God, the word "yes" came out.... So it was settled. Over the summer we would move and my life would completely change, as would my address and my school....

I cut parts of her writing for brevity's sake, but you get the idea. My daughter wasn't happy with the idea of change. As I stood there reading her story, tears gathered in my eyes. I understood it. When I was a junior or senior in high school my dad's job had looked pretty shaky and there had been talk of moving to Michigan. I remember my reaction. It wasn't good. Looking back at how much I hated my high school and the lack of connection I had to anyone there, it's kind of surprising. You would have thought I would've welcomed the chance to start over. From where I stood though, change wasn't good. It was uncomfortable. It was scary.

It still is. I put off finding a new doctor here in Indiana until I landed in the hospital. I put off getting a new dentist. I hate shopping for a new church. I even hate shopping for new jeans. The old ones are comfortable.

So my fear for Day Fifteen:

I am afraid of change.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. Change can be uncomfortable and hard. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
(Isaiah 43:18)

God calls us not to get stuck in the past.

Several times in the Old Testament God instructs the Israelites to build altars so they have something concrete to help them remember events that showed God's goodness and provision (e.g. after they had crossed on dry land through the Red Sea to escape the Egyptians). Here, though, He commands them not to call to mind former things, or ponder things of past. He doesn't want them so stuck in the past that they can't (or won't) move forward into the new things God has planned.

They had a history of that. After being led out of slavery in Egypt, they weren't happy with things in the desert. They grumbled that they should have just stayed in Egypt. (Exodus 17:3). It's easy for us to look at that and think they were a bunch of ungrateful jerks. I mean, they were slaves in Egypt! Who would want to go back to that? But when Joseph's family first went to Egypt, they were fleeing famine. God had provided for them through Egypt in the past. Things had changed for them in Egypt, and it wasn't good for them now. But when facing hunger and thirst on the way to a land full of milk and honey, they clung to that old memory. It was good to remember God's provision. But they were stuck in that past; afraid of the change they were being called to.

We need to remember the ways He has worked in our lives, but we can't get so stuck there (or so comfortable there) that we never go forward to the new things God has for us. The very next verse of that passage in Isaiah calls us to something new:

Do not call to mind the former things,
Or ponder things of the past.
Behold, I will do something new,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even make a roadway in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.
(Isaiah 43:18-19)

God promises He will do something new.

He is a God of creation. From Genesis, to working in our lives even now, He is always doing something new. Always moving us forward; stretching and growing us to become more like Christ.

God asks us to be watching for the new thing.

"Will you not be aware of it?" In other words, will you pay attention? Will you stay in step with Me? In effect, He's saying "Watch for it!"

God promises to make a way.

"I will even make a roadway in the wilderness, Rivers in the desert." We tend to worry about the details or obstacles, but God sees our fear and worry before we even voice it and says "Don't worry about it. I'll prepare the way."

"For I know the plans that I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope."
(Jeremiah 29:11).

God's plans for us are for good and not evil; to give us a hope and a future.

O LORD, You are my God;
I will exalt You, I will give thanks to Your name;
For You have worked wonders,
Plans formed long ago, with perfect faithfulness.
(Isaiah 25:1)

God's plans were formed long ago with perfect faithfulness.

Whatever change we are facing isn't something that God has thought up on the spur of the moment. His plans have been in place since the beginning. And they are good!

Going back to my daughter's paper, she continued:

Now I, a senior in high school, reflect on the change of these last four and a half years, while standing in the water in front of my grandparents' lake house, and know that my worries were unwarranted, my doubts foolish, and my life in God's hands. There are so many blessings that I would not have been able to receive had I lived in Texas and I am grateful for every single one of them. New friends made through Bible quizzing, marching band, common classes, youth group, or chance meetings. New opportunities like being drum major, top quizzer, and mission trips. And new memories such as bus rides, band camps, state and national competitions, lock-ins, lock-outs, late nights, early mornings, wet grass, muddy feet, frozen keys, sore fingers, ice cream mountains, dead squirrels, movie marathons, extreme slip-and-slides, apples-to-apples, newborn cries, campfire worship, inside jokes, holding hands, comfort zones, guardian angels, cathedrals, alchemists, and so many more. All of them were impossible to be made without first having a change. Each of them a blessing and for them I am immensely grateful.

Minnows tickling my feet and wet sand between my toes, I stand and gaze across an orange and blue colored sky, reflected on the glassy waters of a lake, sprinkled with the first few twinkling stars of the approaching twilight, and I feel peace. More than that – I feel God's presence. I look back on my past and see His footprints in everything since that family meeting and even before. In all the new friends, opportunities, and memories, He was there giving my life more meaning than ever possible without Him. There was a right choice. And I, through God's guidance, had made it.

All I can say to that is:

Sing to the LORD a new song, Sing His praise from the end of the earth!
(Isaiah 42:10)

So let's sing a new song!

Father, sometimes change is scary. I look at what's in my hand and I like it. I look where I'm at and I'm happy. But help me to always remember that You call me to a future that You hold. You call me to a future You have planned and had mapped out since the beginning of time. Help me to watch with excitement for the new thing You are doing instead of dragging my feet looking at what I'm leaving.
I want to sing Your praise from the end of the earth.
I want to sing a new song!

Fear: I am afraid of change.

Truth:

• God calls us not to get stuck in the past. (Isaiah 43:18)
• God promises He will do something new. (Isaiah 43:19)
• God asks us to be watching for the new thing. (Isaiah 43:19)
• God promises to make a way. (Isaiah 43:19)
• God's plans for us are for good and not evil; to give us a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11).
• God's plans were formed long ago with perfect faithfulness. (Isaiah 25:1)
• So sing a new song! (Isaiah 42:10)

Note: My daughter did give permission for me to use her story. Typos are probably mine and I did edit some for brevity.

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - King Cobra

I was a tomboy. I put worms on fishing hooks (after digging them out of the wet dirt behind the cemetery) and cleaned the fish I caught. I played with crawfish. Anything a boy could do.... Except I didn't really like snakes. I hid the slight fear I had and was still able to handle the small garter and racer snakes (getting bit at least once, which didn't do much for the fear). Couldn't show fear in front of the guys, though, after all!

I remember the day my girlfriend and I saw a snake we suspected might be venomous. We weren't close enough to see for sure, but it was lying on a drainage tile we could see from where we were standing on the bridge above. We thought it was dead. So we did the only logical thing two young girls could think of. We threw rocks toward the snake to make sure. It was well away from the bridge we were standing on and we were feeling pretty confident. Dumb idea. You knew that, right? When it suddenly moved, we jumped on our bikes and peddled for all we were worth for a very long time. That snake had been a LONG way from us but there was no way were we sticking around to see how far or how fast a ticked off, potentially venomous snake could move. In reality, it couldn't have known where that rock came from, let alone have been able to get to us. If anyone had seen us, though, they would have had a good laugh at our hasty retreat.

But the snake that really scared me... was the king cobra. I didn't know what it was that made me shudder with fear, but it terrified me. It didn't help that it was our elementary school mascot – painted right there (in purple!) on our gym floor. I even shuddered at the cartoonish figure every gym class. They've since changed it to an eagle to match the high school. Good idea.

So my fear for Day Fourteen:

I am afraid of the king cobra.

Okay. Did you really think I was gonna go there? With Biblical truth? (Yes, I'm grinning). Okay, so it's a little bit of a bait and switch, but in reality I felt differently about king cobras than other snakes. It wasn't about the lethal venom. There was something about the hood – not even really the dangerous part – that terrified me. I don't know how or why, but somehow I attached a sense of evil to that outstretched hood. That's what really invoked the deep sense of fear – evil.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. There's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
(Psalms 23:4)

We don't need to fear evil, because God is with us.

We tend to think of the rod and staff as one and the same, but in fact they are very different and serve different purposes. The rod was a club: a thick, heavy stick used for beating predators. It was slung over the shepherd's side. The staff was a long, straight pole carried in his hand and used for support, climbing, guiding, and helping the sheep in various ways. The rod and the staff together symbolize the power and affection of the shepherd.

Here's something I found interesting, though: The shepherd would go before the flock and beat the grass and bushes with his staff. Why? To scare out snakes lurking in the paths. The snakes would usually just slither away. Sometimes, though, a particularly bold snake might show a tendency towards fight rather than flight. The shepherd would then strike the snake with his club (rod), taking care to crush its head. A snake whose head is not crushed can still deliver a fatal blow to the sheep.

The first thing I found interesting about this is that it tied into the cobra/snake lead in. And I did not plan it that way! But the second thing I found interesting is that it reminded me of this scripture (which I was originally not going to use). This is God talking to the serpent (satan), giving the curse after the fall:

And I will put enmity
Between you and the woman,
And between your seed and her seed;
He shall bruise you on the head,
And you shall bruise him on the heel.
(Genesis 3:15)

The seed of the woman actually refers to Christ in this passage. Christ is prophesied to deliver the killing blow to satan – crushing his head. The same thing a shepherd would have used his rod for.

The power of God's rod and the care of His staff comfort us.

`Should evil come upon us, the sword, or judgment, or pestilence, or famine, we will stand before this house and before You (for Your name is in this house) and cry to You in our distress, and You will hear and deliver us.'
(2 Chronicles 20:9)

No matter what the evil, God will hear our cry and deliver us.

And for added measure:

No evil will befall you,
Nor will any plague come near your tent .
For He will give His angels charge concerning you,
To guard you in all your ways.
They will bear you up in their hands,
That you do not strike your foot against a stone.
You will tread upon the lion and cobra,
The young lion and the serpent you will trample down.
(Psalms 91:10-13)

Okay. I admit it. I about fell over when I saw the reference to the cobra. By name. I honestly didn't know it was in there when I started preparing for this post. I was researching evil, not cobras! But sometimes you just have to smile at where God leads you.

It's also interesting that the beginning of this passage (vs 11-12) is actually quoted by satan when he tempted Jesus in the wilderness. Jesus refused to deliberately put Himself in a dangerous situation to test God (as should we).

Jesus, on the other hand, referred to the last part of the passage (vs 13) when He sent His disciples out on a preaching mission:

Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing will injure you.
(Luke 10:19)

I get so excited when I see God tie things together like that! So cool!

I'd like to backtrack for just a moment, though, to reiterate that just because we've been given protection and authority doesn't mean we should intentionally put ourselves at risk. (Snake charmers need not apply!). Jesus demonstrated this when satan was tempting Him. He refused to do it.

I think back to my opening story and have to say that it was pretty stupid of my friend and I to engage that snake. It wasn't as stupid as it could have been because we really were a safe distance away. But... yeah... not the smartest decision either one of us has ever made. And we very quickly realized it!

But as I was thinking about that story this afternoon... and thinking about the direction I wanted to go with the cobra representing the topic of evil, I had another memory come to mind. Another time I engaged that I shouldn't have. I never saw the parallels before.... but I had nearly the same experience with true evil as I did with that snake. I've told this story to only a very select few. It could easily get me labeled as radical or just a child with an over-active imagination. But I swear to you it really happened.

I was probably 8-12 years old when I woke in the middle of the night and sensed something dark at the foot of my bed. It was almost shadow-like, but with a dark that went beyond shadow. Evil. I wasn't scared of the dark of my own room, but something struck fear in me that night. I tried to convince myself I was imagining things. So... much like throwing a rock at that snake that I thought was dead... I threw one out that night, too. I remember the words, "If you're real, then show yourself!" I honestly thought nothing would happen and I'd be able to go back to sleep knowing it was just my imagination. But something did happen. The very second I made the challenge, the light above my bed flashed like a bolt of lightning. And just like when I threw that rock, I knew instantly that I'd just engaged (and enraged) something I had no business engaging. And just like when I ran for the safety of my bike, I ran for the safety of my God. I don't know that I've ever had a prayer on my lips quite so quickly or as desperately as that night. But at my cry to God, I felt the presence leave. I was protected. I was safe. I fell asleep still praying.

The next morning I questioned whether I had imagined the entire thing... until I got out of bed and tried to turn on the light... and it didn't turn on. It didn't "blow" when I flipped the switch that morning. It had blown in the middle of the night – while the switch was turned off. And at the exact moment I'd issued the challenge. Scary? Yes. But at the same time, I think comforting. My God was bigger.

All that to say: I do believe our God is bigger. I do believe He will protect us from evil. But just because we have protection and authority, doesn't mean we should attempt to engage anything on our own. Paul gives us some instruction on that:

Finally, be strong in the Lord and in the strength of His might. Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. Stand firm therefore, having girded your loins with truth, and having put on the breastplate of righteousness, and having shod your feet with the preparation of the gospel of peace; in addition to all, taking up the shield of faith with which you will be able to extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. With all prayer and petition pray at all times in the Spirit, and with this in view, be on the alert with all perseverance and petition for all the saints....
(Eph 6:10-18)

We are to put on the armor of God so we will be able to resist evil.

Father God, thank you so much for Your assurances that we are under Your protection. Thank You for Your rod of protection and Your staff of care. Thank You for flushing out evil and crushing its head. Thank You for rescuing us... more times than we can even imagine. You are all powerful, all knowing, Alpha and Omega. And You are with us!

Fear: I am afraid of the king cobra evil.

Truth:

• We don't need to fear evil, because God is with us. (Psalms 23:4)
• The power of God's rod and the care of His staff comfort us. (Psalms 23:4)
• No matter what the evil, God will hear our cry and deliver us. (2 Chronicles 20:9)
• No evil will befall you... You will tread upon the lion and cobra.... (Psalms 91:10-13)
• Jesus has given us authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy... (Luke 10:19)
• We are to put on the armor of God so we will be able to resist evil. (Eph 6:10-18)

By the way, I read today that a king cobra can reach up to 18 feet. And it can stand straight up with nearly 1/3 of its length. So an 18 foot cobra could rise 6 feet to literally look you in the eyes. Maybe some fear is actually good.... Just sayin'!

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Anger (Others')

As I started yesterday's post I wrote,

My fear for Day Twelve: I am afraid of anger.

Any anger. It doesn't matter whether it's mine; whether it's someone else's directed at me; or even someone else's directed at yet someone else (for instance, my husband's anger toward a co-worker or boss). That third-party anger in no way touches me. And yet I withdraw. My heart screams that anger is something to be avoided at all costs.

At the time, I really intended to cover both aspects of anger – mine and others'. But as I researched and wrote I realized that it really needed to be two separate posts.

So my fear for Day Thirteen is again:

I am afraid of anger.

Yesterday I focused my fear of being angry. Today, I want to focus on my fear of others' anger. It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Although I don't necessarily like it, I think I have to look at this first:

This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
(James 1:19)

I need to consider what's being said.

The Greek word translated as "hear" has the meaning: "to attend to, consider what is or has been said." My first reaction should always be to consider what is being said. In the case of someone approaching me in anger, I need to remember that anger comes from hurt. Hard hurt. What is the source of the hurt? Did I have some part in it? Is there an apology I need to make; forgiveness I need to seek? It's too easy for me to immediately become defensive if faced with anger. I do need to listen and evaluate. Okay... so that's all well and good, but it doesn't really address the fear. So what's the Truth that addresses the fear?

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Behold, all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored;
Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish.
(Isaiah 41:10-11)

Let's unpack this a little:

Do not fear, for I am with you.

It's intimidating to face someone's anger when you are standing alone. But God reminds us that we are never alone. He is there with us.

Do not be anxious for I am your God.

God of the universe, here... All powerful. And He is there.

I will strengthen you... and uphold you with My righteous right hand.

I've heard this before, but I never really fully understood the inference. Just a few verses before in Isaiah 41:7, God talks about the process of making idols (false gods). At the end of the process it says, "And he fastens it with nails, So that it will not totter." Listen to what God is saying! When He tells us He will hold us up, He's painting a picture of contrast. Others trust in gods that have to be held up with nails... but our God holds us up! He has the strength and power to do that... and He is with us! Sorry for all the exclamation points, but I never saw that before and found it a little exciting.

Those who are angered at us will be shamed and dishonored.

God will take care of our enemies. This echoes God's promise to Abraham in Genesis 12:3, where He says: "I will bless those who bless you, and I will curse him who curses you."

Beyond just telling us that He is with us, though, God gives us advice on how to deal with anger from others:

A gentle answer turns away wrath,
But a harsh word stirs up anger.
(Proverbs 15:1)

Pretty self-explanatory, right? Unfortunately, it's easier to understand than to do. But God also gives us an example. Let's go back to Judges and look more at the story of Gideon I referenced in Day 10: I am afraid of looking weak:

Then the men of Ephraim said to him, "What is this thing you have done to us, not calling us when you went to fight against Midian?" And they contended with him vigorously. But he said to them, "What have I done now in comparison with you? Is not the gleaning of the grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage of Abiezer? "God has given the leaders of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb into your hands; and what was I able to do in comparison with you?" Then their anger toward him subsided when he said that.
(Judges 8:1-3)

Background: Gideon is still chasing the Midianites (with his 300 men). The tribe of Ephraim, meanwhile, has captured two of the fleeing princes (Oreb and Zeeb). When the men of Ephraim bring the heads of the princes to Gideon, they take the opportunity to tell him (rather hotly) just what they think of the fact that they weren't asked to fight in the first place. (Convenient that they're doing this after the Midianites are already fleeing, don't you think?).

The reason the men of Ephraim are upset is simple: pride. They are the strongest tribe of Israel and they weren't included. They feel an insult and a loss of glory. Gideon was just following God's plan. God intentionally wanted the weakest of the weak so His people would know that He delivered them. Gideon knows he was just following God's plan. And he could have answered with just that. But he's a little more diplomatic than that. He knows they haven't completely won the battle yet (they are still chasing the Midianites) and that they need to stay united. He doesn't need internal conflict. Gideon listens to the men of Ephraim in all their raging anger and looks past it to see the hurt (he considered what they were saying!). And he deals with them where they are.

I have to admit that I didn't immediately understand his answer in Judges 8:2. I did some research, though (www.studylight.org is great for this, btw!). So here are the things I found that helped:

1. At this point Gideon hasn't captured the king of Midian.
2. The men of Ephraim, though, have captured two of the princes.
3. "Gleaning" is gathering the leftover grapes.
4. "Vintage" actually refers to the entire grape harvest. (Interestingly, this word is masculine but "gleaning" is feminine!)
5. Abiezer refers to Gideon's clan – the clan Gideon referred to earlier as the weakest clan.

So... when we read:

But he said to them, "What have I done now in comparison with you? Is not the gleaning of the grapes of Ephraim better than the vintage of Abiezer? God has given the leaders of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb into your hands; and what was I able to do in comparison with you?"

We can now understand it as "What have I done in comparison with you? You guys came in and the gleanings that you got, the leftovers, are really better than the whole harvest that we took. God has delivered into your hands the princes of Midian, Oreb and Zeeb: what was I able to do in comparison to you?"

He looked at their wounds and put salve on them. He affirmed the importance of their role. He could have pointed out the thousands his men had killed and that they didn't need the men of Ephraim. But he didn't. He showed humility.

He gave a gentle answer and turned away wrath.

Okay. So is a soft answer always going to have the desired result? Probably not. It goes back to what I talked about in Day 5: I am afraid of conflict and confrontation. God tells me what to do. My part is still my part, regardless of what the other person may do.

And in that case I go back to the promises in Isaiah:

Do not fear, for I am with you;
Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you, surely I will help you,
Surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand.
Behold, all those who are angered at you will be shamed and dishonored;
Those who contend with you will be as nothing and will perish.

God is with me.

Father God, thank you so much for showing me the example of Gideon. Like Jonathon's example of expressing anger, I'd never noticed it before. Thank you, too, for the promise that You are with us; that You will strengthen and hold us when we are facing those who are angry. Help me to remember that whatever I am facing, I am never facing it alone. You are there with me: strengthening and holding me up. I am Your child and You are fiercely protective of me. My God doesn't need nails to hold Him up, He holds me!

Fear: I am afraid of others' anger.

Truth:

• I need to consider what's being said. (James 1:19)
• "Do not fear, for I am with you." (Isaiah 41:10)
• "Do not be anxious for I am your God." (Isaiah 41:10)
• "I will strengthen you... and uphold you with My righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)
• Those who are angered at us will be shamed and dishonored. (Isaiah 41:11)
• "A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger." (Proverbs 15:1)
• Gideon gave a gentle answer and turned away wrath. (Judges 8:1-3)
• God is with me. (Isaiah 41:10)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Anger (Mine)

This morning I was told, "Conflict isn't wrong. It's how you handle conflict." That really struck me, and I thought about writing about the fear of conflict today and using that as one of my points. And then I remembered I had already written on my fear of conflict. Oops. Oh well. As I continued to chew on it some, though, I realized... part of my fear of conflict is due to another fear on my list.

My fear for Day Twelve:

I am afraid of anger.

Any anger. It doesn't matter whether it's mine; whether it's someone else's directed at me; or even someone else's directed at yet someone else (for instance, my husband's anger toward a co-worker or boss). That third-party anger in no way touches me. And yet I withdraw. My heart screams that anger is something to be avoided at all costs. So there's a real fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

I think for today I want to explore the same concept my counselor emphasized to me about conflict: Anger isn't wrong. It's how you handle anger. So today I'm going to focus on the fear of my own anger.

A search on the word anger turns up pages (and pages) of scriptures – most of them referencing God's anger.

Behold, the name of the LORD comes from a remote place;
Burning is His anger and dense is His smoke;
His lips are filled with indignation
And His tongue is like a consuming fire....
(Isaiah 30:27)

The LORD is gracious and merciful;
Slow to anger and great in lovingkindness.
(Psalms 145:8)

God feels anger.

Thankfully, He is also gracious and merciful. He is slow to anger. But slow to anger does not mean, in any way, that He has no anger. Isaiah 30:27 as well as many other verses clearly speak of His burning anger.

In the New Testament, Jesus reacted to the money changers who were cheating those coming to bring sacrifices. He proclaimed that the money changers had turned his Father's house of worship into a den of thieves.

And He made a scourge of cords, and drove them all out of the temple, with the sheep and the oxen; and He poured out the coins of the money changers and overturned their tables.
(John 2:15)

Jesus feels anger.

I've been taught it was a righteous anger, though. Jesus never sinned, after all, so it wasn't a sin. So we've seen that God and Jesus both experience anger. We are made in His image, so it would make sense that we feel the same emotions.

But... honestly... all I could think as a kid was that if I had shown that kind of anger in front of my parents, it would not have gone well. So... anger was okay for Jesus... but not so much for Jenn. It was okay for Him because... well, He was God. He was perfect.

New Testament scriptures seemed to confirm the belief that anger was something I shouldn't express:

But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth.
(Colossians 3:8)

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice.
(Ephesians 4:31)

Sounds pretty clear, right? Anger = bad.

But then you run into this verse and it seems to contradict those above:

Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger....
(Ephesians 4:26)

We can be angry and not sin!

Huh? How does that fit with the first two verses? I did some looking, and what I found is that there are actually two different Greek words in these verses that are translated as "anger." The Greek word translated as anger in first two verses carries the implication of punishment. It's not just emotion; it's emotion that results in action against the object of the anger. The Greek word translated "anger" in Ephesians 4:26, though, doesn't have that same implication. It's just emotion. Passionate, maybe. But there's no implication of punishment. We don't have the right to exact that kind of punishment. God does, but we don't. We do, however, have the right to be angry.

Then Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did not eat food on the second day of the new moon, for he was grieved over David because his father had dishonored him.
(1 Samuel 20:34)

Jonathon was fiercely angry with his own father.

David was Jonathon's friend. Jonathon was actually in line (as far as family lineage) to be the next king over Israel. God had anointed David, though. And Jonathon was okay with that. But his dad (Saul) wasn't. Jonathon had just figured out how deeply Saul's hatred and jealousy burned. Saul had asked why David wasn't at the feast. Jonathon answered that David was with his own family and Saul fell into a rage, calling Jonathon a traitor and the "son of a perverse, rebellious woman." Then he tells Jonathon to fetch David so he could have him put to death. Jonathon stood up to his dad and asked, "Why should he be slain? What has he done?" Saul had no answer other than to throw his spear at Jonathon. Wow. Some dad!

I never really thought about this part of the story before, but Jonathon's dad has insulted his mother ("son of a..."), and threatened his friend. All in a conversation over dinner – a party, actually. And Jonathon is angry. Fiercely angry. He shows his displeasure by getting up from the table and leaving his father's party without eating a bite. He doesn't retaliate. He doesn't exchange barbs. He expresses his anger... but he does not sin!

Note: Since I've already talked about facing conflict, I'd like to say that I don't think Jonathon strayed into passively avoiding conflict by his departure. He had already shown his willingness to stand up to his father and question his actions. He was enforcing boundaries. "It's not okay to throw your spear at me. I do not have to put myself at risk." He acted honorably towards a dishonorable man. He honored his father; expressed his anger; protected his friend; and did not sin.

We can act honorably while expressing anger and not sin.

Father God, it's so hard for me to deal with anger. I push it down and refuse to acknowledge it. I know that's another lie of omission. But honestly, I don't even know what to pray. It still seems wrong to ask for help in expressing anger. I know there is a time and a place where it needs to be done, though – no matter how much I'd just like to pretend it's not there. So help me instead to express anger in a healthy and honorable way. I want to always act with grace and truth.

Fear: I am afraid of being angry.

Truth:

• God feels anger. (Isaiah 30:27; Psalms 145:8 and many, many others!)
• Jesus feels anger. (John 2:15)
• We can be angry and not sin! (Ephesians 4:26)
• Jonathon was fiercely angry with his own father. (1 Samuel 20:34)
• We can act honorably while expressing anger and not sin. (1 Samuel 20)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Not Belonging

I went walking in the woods near our home last week. The path where I entered had a no trespassing sign posted. I knew, though, that my family had been allowed to walk the woods for years. We know the family that owns it. As I meandered along the paths, I noticed a large tree with a name and year carved into it. The carving was very large and very clear. I imagined some high school boy making his mark on the world. It was a large tree, growing straight towards the sky. As I passed it, I glanced back. What I saw made me turn from the path to walk around the tree to take a better look. There were other names carved in that tree. Several, actually. Some of them had been there so many years that they weren't really legible. Each name had a year carved as well. I thought I could maybe make out dates in the 60's. I thought some might have been even been older than that, but I wasn't sure. They had all been there quite some time. Then I saw the name of the neighbor who had allowed us to use these woods. As I studied the tree, my perspective changed. I began to see this stately, old tree as a family marker of sorts. I don't know whether the dates were birth dates or graduation dates, or some other significant date, but now instead of a stealthy teenager I was envisioning a family history. The names on that tree marked family and a significant passage. It surprised me to realize I felt a small twinge of sadness. While I had freedom of walking these woods, I had no right to have my name on the tree. I was allowed in. But I didn't really belong.

It surprised me, because I do have my own family and a strong sense of belonging within it. I grew up with grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins all mixing together at holidays. I knew I belonged. But I also remember standing in my high school cafeteria, looking for that spot at the edge of a group with a friend I knew. Allowed on the outskirts, maybe. But not really belonging. Just trying to look like maybe I did....

Even today, years after leaving those awkward high school days behind, I have to admit that those fears and feelings still remain as I walk into any gathering.

So my fear for Day Eleven:

I am afraid of not belonging.

That's the fear. And there's some truth in the fear. It's hard feeling on the outskirts, feeling like you don't belong. It's not a pleasant place to be. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

... you belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God.
(1 Corinthians 3:23)

We belong to the King!

It's kind of interesting that the scripture that says most clearly that we belong, is one that speaks of divided loyalties within the church. The Corinthians were dealing with factions within the body. Some were saying, "I am of Paul"; others were claiming "I am of Apollos." Paul answers their conflict with this:

So then let no one boast in men. For all things belong to you, whether Paul or Apollos or Cephas or the world or life or death or things present or things to come; all things belong to you, and you belong to Christ; and Christ belongs to God.
(1 Corinthians 3:21-23)

In other words, "Quit worrying about what group you belong to. You belong to Christ. And through that you belong to God." My sense of worth should not be based on what group I belong to, but that I belong to Christ.

And if you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham's descendants, heirs according to promise.
(Galatians 3:29)

We are also Abraham's descendants – with the history and promises that are his.

I have friends with adopted children. Those children now have the history of their adoptive families. Those stories become theirs. We are also grafted into the family of Abraham. Not only do we share in all the promises to Abraham, but we share in the rich history of God's chosen people.

Okay. I get it. I shouldn't worry about what group I may or may not belong to. I belong to Christ. I even, in a way, belong to Abraham. But... if I'm honest... I still have a desire for belonging, for fellowship. I think God honors that, though. He actually designed us that way:

Then God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness...."
(Genesis 1:26)

We have trouble wrapping our minds around the trinity – three in one – but whether we understand it or not, the reality is that He created us in "Our" image. We may say "His" image, but scripture is clearly plural. He says "Let Us" and "Our image." He's talking with Himself. No, He doesn't have a multiple personality disorder. But He is simply three in one. He had fellowship with Himself. We are made to reflect Him. We are made for relationship. In case there was any doubt:

Then the Lord God said, "It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him."
(Genesis 2:18)

We are made for relationship.

John acknowledges it here:

...but if we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus His Son cleanses us from all sin.
(1 John 1:7)

If we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another.

But... I'm walking in the Light... I'm a Christian... and I still struggle with feeling like I belong. But here's the deal: if I'm honest with myself, I have to admit that part of it is my fault. I don't want to make the first move. (Uh oh – there's the fear from Day 4 popping up). I walk into a church, maybe even a Sunday school room. I sit. I listen. I may answer a question or two; say good morning to a couple of people, even make small talk over my cup of hot chocolate before class begins. But listen to what Luke writes in Acts:

They were continually devoting themselves to the apostles' teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer.
(Acts 2:42)

They devoted themselves to fellowship.

Am I devoted to fellowship, or am I devoted to attendance? Ouch. That hurts. I'm devoted to the apostle's teaching. But if I am honest, I have to admit that I am more devoted to attendance than I am to actual fellowship. Deep down, I want it. But I want it to come to me. I don't actively pursue it. But I need to do more than just want it. I need to do more than pursue it, even. I need to be devoted to it. Strong's dictionary defines the Greek word translated "devoted" as: "to be earnest towards; to persevere, be constantly diligent." That sounds like more than saying just good morning to the person in the pew next to me. Sigh. I think I've got some work to do. Matter of fact, I think I'd better go back and read Day 4 to myself again!

Abba... Daddy... it's so easy for me to stand on the outskirts, feeling like I don't belong. Help me to grasp the truth that I belong to You. The King of kings, the God of the universe, has said I belong to Him! That is my greatest need for relationship. Still, You made us for relationship with others. You placed that longing in our hearts. But, Daddy, I still struggle with being the first to reach out. I want fellowship to come to me. Help me reach beyond myself... to become devoted to more than teaching and attendance but to You and to others. Help me to live as You live – in fellowship.

Fear: I am afraid of being not belonging.

Truth:

• We belong to the King! (1 Corinthians 3:23)
• We are also Abraham's descendents – with the history and promises that are his. (Galatians 3:29)
• We are made for relationship. (Genesis 1:16; Genesis 2:18)
• If we walk in the Light as He Himself is in the Light, we have fellowship with one another. (1 John 1:7)
• We need to devote ourselves to fellowship. (Acts 2:42)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Weakness

I love Matthew West's song, Strong Enough:

I know I'm not strong enough to be
everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up
I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough
Strong enough
For the both of us....

But, then, l love most songs by Matthew West, so maybe that's not surprising. But if you look at my life from the outside, maybe it is surprising....

Earlier this week my mom knocked on my door and asked my help. They've had some plumbing issues and the piano needed to be moved so the plumber could attempt to find the leak. "Sure, no problem, Mom." I walked over, noted it was on wheels and gave a good go at lifting my end. Uh... it didn't budge. At all. Okay, this was going to take a little more effort than I thought. In the end, we moved it no further than we absolutely had to. And while the plumber started in on his job, I stood leaning over the piano trying to catch my breath and hating how pitifully out of shape and weak I must've looked. Ugh.

Physically weak is bad enough. Where I really hate it, though, is showing weakness in other ways. Especially emotionally. Emotionally weak kids are targets for bullies. I learned early that if you didn't show it bothered you, things were likely to go much better. Childhood bullying is long gone, but I still really want to look like I've "got it all together." I don't want to admit brokenness and expose that soft underbelly. And I don't want to be in a position where I can't handle something myself. I hate asking for help; feeling weak and inadequate. I want to do it all on my own – just like any two year old.

So my fear for Day Ten:

I am afraid of looking weak.

So that's the fear. And there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

... but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong
(1 Corinthians 1:27)

God has chosen the weak to shame the strong.

Honestly, I know that. I've heard it all my life. But I sure don't live like I believe it. "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps" "God helps those who help themselves." "Don't ever let them see you cry." Those are the things that echo inside me.

But none of that – NONE of that – is Biblical. Here's Biblical:

Then the Lord turned to him and said, “Go with the strength you have, and rescue Israel from the Midianites. I am sending you!”

“But Lord,” Gideon replied, “how can I rescue Israel? My clan is the weakest in the whole tribe of Manasseh, and I am the least in my entire family!”
(Judges 6:14-15)

Gideon says, "Strength? What strength? You've got to be kidding me!"

The Midianites had been tormenting, abusing, and starving the Israelites for seven years when God came to Gideon and told him he was going to be the one to rescue them. Gideon is a bit incredulous at this piece of news, because, as he says himself, he is not only the weakest of his family, but his family is the weakest clan of the entire tribe. He is the weakest of the weakest! God makes it clear in the following verses, though, that Gideon is His plan for rescuing the entire nation of Israel. Gideon still has trouble believing it, questions and is given proof when God burns up a wet offering (Judges 6:20). Gideon falls on His face and says okay. Then, just a few verses later he recounts and demands (and is given) another sign (Judges 6:36-38). Still not enough, he asks for and is given proof yet again (Judges 6:39-40). Gideon seriously cannot figure how God is going to use the absolutely weakest man in the kingdom to pull off the rescue of Israel.

It gets worse for Gideon, though. He showed up to do battle with 32,000 men. God said it was too many:

The Lord said to Gideon, “You have too many warriors with you. If I let all of you fight the Midianites, the Israelites will boast to me that they saved themselves by their own strength.
(Judges 7:2)

So a process of elimination brought that down to 10,000. God still said it was too many. Finally with 300 men left, God allowed them to head to battle. Judges 7-8 tells of the miraculous victory.

Here's the deal: God wants to show off! No, not in a self-gratifying way. He wants to show us, and our enemies, the extent of His power, glory, and grace. He wants us to know He can take care of us – He doesn't need our help. He even wants our enemies to know He can take care of us, too. He wants them to know who they are dealing with. We are His kids and He's not putting up with it.

Here's what God wants us to understand:

God is our refuge and strength, A very present help in trouble.
(Psalms 46:1)

God is our strength.

But so often I try to do it myself. I don't want to look weak. I've got this under control, you know? Oh good grief. Not only is that a ludicrous lie, but look at what God says about it:

"Then they will sweep through like the wind and pass on. But they will be held guilty, They whose strength is their god."
(Habakkuk 1:11)

Those whose strength is their god will be held guilty.

Guilty of what? Of not trusting Him. The Psalms are full of verses about God being our strength, but this one caught me a little by surprise:

The LORD is my strength and my shield; My heart trusts in Him, and I am helped; Therefore my heart exults, And with my song I shall thank Him.
(Psalms 28:7)

My heart trusts in God, and I am helped.

I must trust Him in order to accept His help! If I try to pull myself up by my own bootstraps; try to avoid looking weak; try to make myself look strong... what does that say? It says I don't trust Him! And I don't give Him space to work and to be glorified. I've got to get out of the way so He can shine.

... whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen.
(1 Peter 4:11)

We are to serve through God's strength (not our own) so he may be glorified.

And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
(2 Corinthians 12:9)

God's power is perfected in our weakness.

You know... I have to admit that I am not right there with Paul. Not only is he not afraid of his weakness, but the guy actually boasts about it. I'm not there. I want to be able to say I am, but I'm just not. Work in progress....

LORD, you know how I fear feeling and looking weak. I want to be able to handle life on my own, or to at least look like I'm handling it on my own. Oh, Daddy, I want to be able to show a greater trust in Your goodness than I do in my own strength, but it's so hard for me. So help me to remember that while I am so busy trying to look strong, I'm keeping people from seeing what You could really do in my life if I would only let you. Help me to come to the point where I, like Paul, can not only feel comfortable with my weakness, but actually boast in it. Help me to really desire that, LORD, because honestly... I just can't imagine it.

Fear: I am afraid of looking weak.

Truth:

• God has chosen the weak to shame the strong. (Judges 6-8; 1 Corinthians 1:27)
• God is our strength. (Psalms 46:1)
• Those whose strength is their god will be held guilty. (Habakkuk 1:11)
• My heart trusts in God, and I am helped. (Psalms 28:7)
• We are to serve through God's strength so he may be glorified. (1 Peter 4:11)
• God's power is perfected in our weakness. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Saying the Wrong Thing

This afternoon I listened to a speaker talk about the importance of story; the importance of listening to story; the importance of inviting story and giving it space. His illustration used a woman visiting with a 92 year old woman in a nursing home. The woman noticed the older woman's German accent and asked how she'd come to America. The older woman avoided talking about it at first, showing signs of shame. The younger woman didn't press, but instead talked about her own story for awhile – just being there with the older woman. After a bit, the older woman came back to the question and answered that she first came to the U.S.A. when she was 13 – on the Lusitania. She had been coming to play her first concert as a skilled violinist. She then admitted that she'd never played again after that trip. At this point in the story, the speaker stopped and noted that the visiting woman then honored the older woman's story by not asking the obvious question of "why?" She didn't want to bring more shame by pressing in. Instead, she simply said "Whatever it was that caused you to stop playing must have involved something very, very significant and hard. And I don't know you well enough to ask you any more questions. But I wonder if you would allow me sometime in the next few days or week to stop by and visit with you again."

In that moment, I knew I would have blown it. I would have asked the why.

And I remembered my list. And I realized how satan can so easily prevent me from being used because I just don't know what to say... so I don't "go." I have a really hard time knowing how to approach and help – especially when someone is going through painful circumstances and it immobilizes me.

So my fear for Day Nine:

I am afraid of saying the wrong thing.

It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves I can stick my foot in my mouth quite well. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

Some of the other 31 Days of Fear (and Truth) entries come to mind:

• Day 1 with God telling Moses that He would teach him what to say.
• Day 2 with God telling us to put others' interests above our own and promising He loves us so we shouldn't worry about it.

But I want to take a minute and look at something else:

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this adversity that had come upon him, they came each one from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite and Zophar the Naamathite; and they made an appointment together to come to sympathize with him and comfort him. When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky. Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.
(Job 2:11-13)

You may remember the story. Job had been stripped of pretty much everything that mattered to him. God had allowed satan to take Job's wealth, his health, and even his children – leaving him with a wife that begged him to curse God and die. We tend to remember that the three friends actually caused him some grief, too. In trying to figure out what was going on and help fix things for him, they started asking what sin he had committed to land him in this mess. Yeah, okay, they messed up a bit there. Been there. Done that. I recently told one of my daughters that I was sorry because I'd realized that in the past my desire to help fix things had actually come out as criticism (much like Job's friends now that I think about it). Anyway, Job's friends actually didn't start out so bad:

When they lifted up their eyes at a distance and did not recognize him, they raised their voices and wept. And each of them tore his robe and they threw dust over their heads toward the sky.

They wept with him and they mourned with him. Not a bad start!

It kind of reminds me of this verse:

Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
(Romans 12:15)

What was absolutely spectacular about the response of Job's friends, though, was the next part of the story:

Then they sat down on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights with no one speaking a word to him, for they saw that his pain was very great.

They didn't speak a word! Not one word. For seven days and nights, not a word. They just sat with him. They grasped something that is so difficult for me:

Sometimes we say more with our silence, our presence, and our tears than with our words.

It's the same thing the speaker I was listening to earlier was getting at: Listen to stories. Be there. In his message he related that the older woman eventually volunteered her source of shame. Her music instructor had violated the trust that her parents had given him. He violated her. And in that moment, she lost the music. But with the younger woman listening to her story, allowing her to tell it for the first time, she felt heard and valued. She was eventually led to Christ. And the cool thing? She heard the music again.

People are dying to tell their stories. But they need someone they can trust to handle their heartache. They need someone to listen with compassion..

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
(James 1:19)

Frequently we spend more time on the on the "slow to become angry." I think, though, there's a lot of wisdom in the first part of the verse as well.

... be quick to listen, slow to speak...

In other words, "Quit worrying about having the right thing to say, Jenn... just be there. Listen." Huh.

When I had that discussion with my daughter recently, it was because she'd suddenly stopped in mid-story, and said "You're not saying much." I took the opportunity to admit that I was trying to do a better job of listening, because I'd realized that in the past I've shut her down unintentionally. In the past, I'd wanted to fix the problem but I had come to realize that I'd actually made her feel worse (again, kind of like Job's friends). I wanted to just sit with her in her story; to let her be able to talk; to listen more and speak less. She nodded her head and smiled. Maybe Mom can be taught... eventually.

Father God, I worry so much about not having the right words to say and I let it keep me from being present in others' lives. Help me to remember that I don't need to have the right words. You told Moses you'd teach him what to speak. And you told us not to worry about ourselves when we put others first – that You loved us and had our backs. And you gave us an example in Job's friends. Sit with others in their story. No words needed. Help me remember that I don't need to have the right words. I just need to be there. I need to listen. Everyone needs to be heard, Father. Help me to listen well.

Fear: I am afraid of saying the wrong thing.

Truth:

• Sometimes we say more with our silence, our presence, and our tears than with our words. (Job 2:11-13; Romans 12:15)
• Be quick to listen, slow to speak. (James 1:19)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).

31Days - Seen

You know the person who smiles and plays along while wearing a large sombrero as all the wait-staff bounce around, clapping and singing/shouting some version of happy birthday? Yeah, that's not me. I'm the one sinking into the ground and silently muttering threats against my family.

I was also the kid who slunk onto the bus at the end of the school day trying desperately to slip into an empty seat where I could be unseen; left alone... hoping to avoid any teasing bullying that might occur if I was noticed.

I was the kid who tried to quickly calculate where I could slide into a seat in the lunchroom without being seen. I didn't want people to notice that I was unsure and didn't know where to go... that actually I had nowhere to go....

Speaking of going... I'm the one sitting in the church pew regretting drinking that cup of hot chocolate earlier... but loathe to actually get up in the middle of service to take care of the "issue" because, well... all eyes would be on me.

I'm the one who regretted intentionally drawing attention to myself as a young child... drawing the attention of my abuser.

And... I would've been the wallflower at the school dance. But a wallflower might be still be noticed. So I didn't go.

My fear for Day Eight?

I am afraid of being seen.

Not seen as in being known. That's a whole nother post. ;) But just being seen, period – doing anything that might draw attention to myself. It's a real fear... with some valid reasons behind it. History – my history – proves it can be humiliating... even dangerous. So there's some truth in the fear. But what's the real Truth? Truth with a capital T?

"You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on the lampstand, and it gives light to all who are in the house. "Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father who is in heaven."(Matthew 5:14-16)

You are the light of the world.

Uh oh. Light. That gathers some attention in this dark world.

A city set on a hill can't be hidden; nor does anyone light a lamp and put it under a basket.

Uh. Yeah. I think that's what I was just talking about when I said "uh oh."

Let your light shine before men... that they may see your good works!

In the words of Pooh, "Oh bother!"

Let my light shine before men? I'd rather cower in the darkness under my bed, thank you very much..... Oh, wait. Jesus talks about that, too:

"Now no one after lighting a lamp covers it over with a container, or puts it under a bed; but he puts it on a lampstand, so that those who come in may see the light.
(Luke 8:16)

Okay. So scratch that idea. So what else does the Bible have to say about being the light?

... prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life....(Philippians 2:15-16)

... appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life

So... we are to appear as lights in the world, by being "above reproach" in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation. A crooked and perverse generation. That does seem to pretty much sum up our world, doesn't it? So what's our instruction? We are to appear as lights by being above reproach. And how do we do that? By holding fast the word of life!

Now why does that just blow me away? Because as I was posting yesterday's fear ("Walking in the dark," ironically enough) I wasn't really sure why I was writing about it. I mean, it almost seemed a cop-out on the whole 31 Days of Fear (and Truth) thing. And I really did have other fears to write about. But I just kept coming back to it. It just felt right. So do you remember what the key point was yesterday? I looked at how God's word was instrumental in the psalmist's life, showing him truth; giving him purity and a right relationship with God; giving confidence and boldness and wisdom.

So here I am today, writing about being afraid to be seen, and the verse that comes up says to hold fast to the word of life? Maybe I'm the only one excited by that, but it just seems really cool to me that this post follows on that one; builds on that one – through absolutely no planning of my own. I don't know, maybe that was just supposed to be my own little confirmation and not shared here... but sometimes when you're excited to see God you just gotta kinda shout a little, you know?

Okay... so rabbit trail aside. We all know those people who just live to be the center of attention, right? Well, that's not what's called for here. It doesn't talk about drawing attention by jumping up and down and yelling, "Hey! Look at me! Look at what I did!" Or even by jumping up and down proclaiming "Every one is going to hell and you'd better get right with God now!" No, what it says is:

... prove yourselves to be blameless and innocent, children of God above reproach in the midst of a crooked and perverse generation, among whom you appear as lights in the world, holding fast the word of life....

We are called to hold fast to the words of life. Just to be who Christ called us to be. Trust me, that will make us different. By simply being who He calls us to be (which requires being in and holding fast to the word), we will be light. And because the world is so dark, that will draw attention. We will be seen. And that's okay – despite what my own inclinations lead me to believe. Here's the cool thing, though. When I was searching on "light" I came across this verse:

Paul and Barnabas spoke out boldly and said, "It was necessary that the word of God be spoken to you first; since you repudiate it and judge yourselves unworthy of eternal life, behold, we are turning to the Gentiles. "For so the Lord has commanded us,

'I HAVE PLACED YOU AS A LIGHT FOR THE GENTILES,
THAT YOU MAY BRING SALVATION TO THE END OF THE EARTH.' "
(Acts 13: 46-47)

In my Bible, the caps are used to indicate that the words are a quote from (or an allusion to) a quote from the Old Testament. So I looked it up:

"I am the LORD, I have called you in righteousness,
I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you,
And I will appoint you as a covenant to the people,
As a light to the nations....
(Isaiah 42:6)

Paul felt comfortable claiming this verse, so I will too. Paul references Isaiah to say that he's been called to be a light to the nations (Gentiles) – the same light we are called to be. What I want to look at, though, is not just the call to be the light... but the promise within it. Look at the beginning of the verse:

I will also hold you by the hand and watch over you....

In the very same verse which Paul holds up to support his call to be a light to the gentiles, God promises to hold by the hand and watch over those He calls to be a light. Once again, He understands the fear. He sees it before we even voice it. He tells us, "I know being a light is scary. I know you are afraid to be seen. But don't worry... I've got you." It kind of echoes what I wrote about on Day 2 when He said, "I know that putting someone else first is scary. But you don't need worry about your self-protection because I love you. I've got your back." (Jenn Dietz paraphrase, there).

Now how cool is that? Two of my fears in the last week, God answered before I was even born and said, "I understand the fear. I know what I'm asking is scary for you. But don't worry – I'm here. I've got you." I wasn't expecting to see that on Day 2. And I wasn't expecting to find it today. Yet there it is. Wow, God. Just wow.

Father God, You know I am scared of being seen; of drawing attention to myself in any way. Yet you call me to be a light. That's going to draw some attention in this dark world. You call me to be different. That's hard for me too. I don't want to stand out. I want to blend in and disappear into the woodwork. But it blows me away to realize You understand that fear. In the Old Testament, even, you understood it and gave the words that would speak to me today, where I am at here and now. Amazing, God. Just amazing. Help me to remember the awe... and remember the promise. Help me to pull the light from under the basket... and come out from under the bed!

Fear: I am afraid of being the seen; of drawing attention to myself.

Truth:

• We are the light of the world. (Matthew 5:14)
• You can't hide a light. (Matthew 5:14-15)
• We are supposed to let our light shine before men. (Matthew 5:16)
• We appear as lights by holding fast to God's Word (Philippians 2:15-16)
• God Himself will hold and protect those He has called to shine. (Isaiah 42:6)

-jenn

Note: This post is part of a 31-day writing challenge. Click here to see the rest of the posts on my 31 Days of Fear (and Truth).